Ironman! a Volunteer story

Friday Night Bill and I camped out at Sand Hollow Resevoir so we could make it to the 4:30am meeting for the Swim support. We slept like crap - music echoing off the hills from those at the Bike racks keeping an eye on the security for millions of dollars of Bike equipment. So our alarm going off at 4:15am was like... pain... real pain. But I was excited to get in the water and be a part of this amazing day around so many amazing athletes.

at 6 ish we were loading our kayak into the water to go get in place. the sun was not yet up but just a tiny bit of light trying to peak over the hills. I was surprised to find out the water was warmer than I expected. in fact I was expecting to be freezing. I wasn't!

What a GORGEOUS morning. Blue Water, Blue skies, Red hills and sand...
Bill and I were situated in a 2 man kayak on the east side of the island about 3/4 of the way through the Water course. Bill was designated section leader of Section E on the swim. So we got to boss people around - another favorite pastime.

I was impressed as I watched the swimmers go by - first the Pros... speechless... amazing...

I suck at swimming.
so watching these guys hardly lifting their heads out of the water and going in a straight line...
A M A Z I N G...

cuz I suck at swimming.

Last time I tried to swim at Sand Hollow to "try and train for a triathlon".... I sucked. I basically got in the water and shivered and swam about 10 yards and got out. and I NEVER could get myself to put my head under water.

So, yeah... watching these guys swim this strong for 2.5 miles. I was impressed.
Not much to do on kayak support on the back side of the race for the pros and the people in the first half of the race. they are strong and steady and not needing much support.

it was the second half that things get exciting for water support - at least where we are placed in the water. I hear the Starting line area gets a lot of action with water support. but we don't get a lot of action until the ending half.

We only had to have one man hang onto our kayak and work out some cramps.
They are allowed to hang onto to the kayak as long as we don't go forward. If they come out of the water they are out of the race.

I know of about 7 people who ended up being pulled from the water. I heard Last year it was around 30 people pulled out of the water.
Some were just too cold, some too cramped up, some just exhausted already. It's a combination of the water temperature, the adrenaline and the exertion they put in that puts their lives in danger in the water.

I have OOODLES of respect for anyone who can finish even this much of the race.
In case you were wondering - the Ironman is a 2.5 mile swim, then a 112 mile bike ride then 26.2 mile run. - pretty stinking tough to do anyone one of these alone much less back to back.

When I was at the grocery store getting some food to pack for the campout, the checker asked me if I was doing the Ironman. "Oh yeah, I am SOOOO doing the ironman!" hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa ha haaaa ahhhhhhh....
well not this year or the next anyway.
I just want to LOOK like I could. :)

One of the Hardest parts of the Ironman on the Swim support side for me was the very very tail end. there were about 4 swimmers at the end we were worried would not make it.
At this point there is enough kayak support for each swimmer to have a full support fleet for them. so Bill and I and another 2 man kayak teamed up to keep "Joe" (don't know his real name) going the right direction and motivated. It's pretty easy to get going completely off course and course correcting takes a lot out of a swimmer if they have to do it over and over. some swimmers actually swim twice as far as they others because of the distance they spend going off course and having to correct.
so "joe" had a kayak on either side of him keeping him pointed in the right direction. He was shivering and struggling. There was a moment when I really thought he would give up and ask to be pulled out. But he didn't he kept trying. His mind kept telling his body he could do this. At one point he was so weak his swimming form had him moving backward instead of forward! I have no idea why. (but then again - did I tell you I suck at swimming and would not make a great swim coach?)

When I saw the look of frustration and renewed determination in this guy's face, I realized he was not going to ask to be pulled out of the race and it was now our job to give him as much support and encouragement as we could. so I pulled out my bootcamp trainer hat (not really - it's a metaphore) and we all started cheering this guy on - counting down the time - telling him how much further he had - yelling at the top of our lungs:
"COME ON"
"YOU'VE TRAINED FOR THIS"
"YOU CAN DO IT"
"PUSH HARDER"
and all the other stuff you tell a woman in labor... :)

Once again my 4 years of High School Cheerleading were useful.

I was emotionally invested in this guy's success.

We were about 100 meters from the finish line and their was 2 minutes left. His pace was going to have him just missing the cutoff time. I wanted to cry.

It was all I could do to keep from jumping in the water next to him and swimming to the finish with him. (but then they would have had to pull me from the water and waste the kayak support on me instead.)

When "joe" finally made it out - he had missed the cuttoff by a minute. right along side him was a woman and they were told at the same time as they were wrapped in a blanket that there were not going to be able to continue the race.

I wanted to hug him. so I did.

He looked dissapointed and relieved at the same time. I imagine he must have felt proud that he pushed through a tough swim that at midpoint none of us (and maybe him too) thought he would finish. I also imagine he must have been happy that he wasn't going to have to get on that bike and ride over 100 miles and then run a marathon. He looked exhausted. I was proud of him. I didn't know his name or where he was from or anything about him. But I felt like I knew him. And I was proud of him.

This portion of the race and my volunteering was over.
So we got on some SUP (Stand Up Paddle Boards) and played around for a few minutes before we headed back to our tent to warm up and nap before the second round of volunteering/playtime at the Ironman.

I went home for a few hours to play with my kids and kiss them all before I headed out the door at 5:30pm to got to run aid station support from 6pm - midnight. I was so excited for this portion of the race. I knew that the elite/professional athletes were done before I got there. The winner finished before 3:30pm.

(a side note: it's so weird differentiating the athletes as elite/non-elite. They are all amazing and elite in comparison to me. BUT - I have no idea what to call the FREAKS - I say that lovingly- who are in the first 50-100 or so finishers. other than superhuman elite. so I will just call them the "elite" to make it easier.)

For those of you who have to deal with St. George traffic on race day every yea all day or all weekend - I pity you. It took me FOREVER to try and get to the area of town I needed to be in to park and then walk over to the aid station. so many detours and roads closed all over the place. I thought I could cut over here - nope. try this route - nope.
I finally had to give in and follow the traffic to Bluff Street and then went to the church parking lot before walking to the aid station.

I went by myself this time. Bill decided to stay home with the kids and recover from no sleep. Me? I am a freak when it comes to a good party. I was ready to be up all night dancing with a crowd. - that is where my "eliteness" kicks in. I outlasted Bill and I was ready for a second round.

Apparently the aid station I had signed up for had been moved.
I walked over to where it was supposed to be.
I had signed up for aid station #11 - the theme they chose was HIPPIES - you know, Peace, love, beads etc... So I was all dressed the part and ready for some hippie love.

I found aid station #6,7,8,9,10 and then 12? what? where was 11? I walked back up the hill to number 6- they said go back down and told me where it should have been - between numbers 10 and 12. NOPE. I walk up the side street where all the runners were going up a hill and was hoping for an aid station there. NOPE. I walked back down the hill. I was really feeling for the Ironmen at this point. I was in a pair of sandals - I took them off since they were hurting my feet and now I was barefoot walking alongside the ironman athletes who for the most part were walking at this point as well. I had not swam 2.5 mile or rode a bike 112 miles. I had walked only a couple of miles (barefoot) up and down this hillside in the 90 degree weather and I was starting to get tired. I could see why this St. George Course was considered a tough ironman course - lots of Hills... I got to walk them barefoot.

I finally decided to settle onto aid station 12. I was done looking for my people. They would just have to miss me. SO - I was dressed in Hippie attire and hanging out with the Cowboys at the western themed aid station. They had country music playing when I got there - not my faves from the 60's and 70's. so... I was a little sad.
But I jumped right in. This group did have free dinner for me - grilled on the spot hamburgers. Yeah! I was freaking STARVING!
So this is where I stayed for most of the night. I didn't know a soul at this aid station. This is the first Ironman aid station I had ever volunteered at. I had done other aid stations elsewhere - but this was awesome! what a party. I am not a huge fan of the country western theme - But these guys knew how to make it a PARTY!
We handout out water, ice, cola, wet sponges, etc...
I have a thing about music - it has to be right. the right speed is critical especially when you need some energy to keep moving.
So - this guy - older guy - nice guy - at the aid station decided he didn't like the hard thumping rythyms of Kid Rock and "I'm a cowboy" and other Hard rock Style country music. So he puts on "Hey Jude" like 5 times... uh.... yeah.... nice guy... not a great running song.
I jokingly said something about it to him.
Me - "do you ever go running with music?"
Him - "Hey Jude is a great song."
Me - "I'm not saying it isn't, it just doesn't have good running beat. I love this song but it doesn't really pump you up."
Him - "well most of them are walking right now anyway."
Me - "yeah... well..."
I think I lost. He played it 5 more times. Maybe he didn't like me more than he liked the song. Not sure. I needed some hard thumping dance tunes.

Around 10pm I was chatting with some guy in a golf cart about my aid station dilema and he tell me aid station number 11 was moved and he could take me there.
YAY!
I would get to see my Friend Michelle Sullivan and her crew. so I quietly ditched aid station 11 and "Hey Jude" and went up the hill to the Hippies.

NOW the party could start!
Enter the dance party til midnight...

Ok...
so we were dancing and singing and the music was loud and hard - they way I like it.
I was with an old friend and finished off an evening having a great time. AND my outift was right finally!

Around 11:30 the runners were few and far between. but we would have one here and one there still struggling to finish this race.

We would cheer and High Five all of them as they passed our aid station.
midnight - still 4 runners out there and the race was called. they would not even make it to aid station 11. I am not sure how many other runners were passed our aid station and in town trying to finish. One was 2 miles away from our aid station. I was torn up about having to turn off the music and leave when one more person was out there and needing all the support they could get. But technically - the race organizers wanted them to get off the streets. I did decide to leave. I got in my car and drove into downtown St. George to see the finish line. I actually had never seen it before. most everyone was gone when I pulled into town. There was the clean up crew and few devoted friends of runner still trying to finish the race they started. I saw a couple of guys standing next to the finish line. I asked if they were waiting for a runner they knew. nope. they were just there at the end to cheer on the last of the last of the athletes and this was their favorite part of the race. ME TOO! It is those who have persevered through unbelievable trials along the course and finished even when they are told they do not get honored by the crowd, press, medals, and accolades - they finish anyway. These are my heroes! So I stood on the finish line with these 4 other guys as the clean up crew were tearing down the archway. we saw someone coming in and we cheered as loud as we could. His pace picked up just a tad and he crossed that half torn down archway with the cheers of just 5 people. I wanted to cry. I am that way.
I chatted with these guys for a few minutes and then there was another runner - these people were alone. No family, no other support and no crowds. but they finished!
I think one of them was foreign and must have come a great distance to be here as he spoke very little Enlgish and looked like he wanted to say something to us there - but instead just in an accent I couldn't place said "thank you." It meant the world to me. I told these men I was cheering with I wanted to cry. They laughed and said "Ya, I know huh?"

It was nearly 1:00am I had a family and husband at home. I hated leaving but knew I had to. The race day was over for me. and I loaded up on Mountain Dew and Chocolate at Maverick and pumped up the music for my 30 minute drive home alone in the dark.
It was good to be home with my husband who had waited up for me.


Some things that impressed me while volunteering - ages - sizes and types of athletes.
There is a "type" that you expect to do this race. The majority fit that type - strong - lean - tough warriors - men and women = ages 20-40

But the others were refreshing - The older athletes some looked like they may have been pushing 70 or more!
The Larger athletes - I saw 2 at least that my judgmental mind would have never EVER placed them as capable of doing this event - way to prove me wrong you animals!

The Person with the artificial leg - wow.

And so many many many stories for each of them.

If you are like me you may have said "I could never do something like this." But what I love about this is that these people have proven so many people wrong. Because they did do this. Many of the athletes were older than me - by 10 years or more!
I know my friends that did this had once struggled with weight issues and trained hard to lose weight THEN started Triathlon training and THEN decided - WHY NOT?

They remind me - NEVER RULE ANYTHING OUT!

I was able to give my friend Missy (Hyde) Payne a Hug at aid station 12. She looked amazing and left a sweaty mark on my shirt.

I kept looking for my friend Cathy Ford but never saw her. I had decided she must have been one of those FREAKS that finished earlier in the day. I later read on her Facebook thread she had to drop out at mile 70 on the bike course due to heat exhaustion. bummer - but she had a great attitude and plans on trying again next year.

Next year - the whole family will be doing it with me too. It's too good of a party and inspiring event to not be a part of in some small way.

My knees hurt when I look down

No, really. When I stand at the top of something a little more than a few feet up and then I look down... my legs ache, my heart pounds, my stomache churns. I have this HORRIBLE fear of heights. I am also afraid of deep open water. I wonder if those fears are related. I decided earlier that this was year to get over my fears and go do things I have always wanted to try but have allowed my fears to hold me back.
my list of things I want to do include:
- zipline
- repelling
- rock climbing
- climb Angel's landing.
there are other things but they have nothing to do with my fears - just lack of skill I need to improve in order to get there
- Run a marathon
- do a solo triathlon
etc...
the top list is stuff I could go do today the bottom list takes some time to train up to.
BUT I haven't tried anything from the top list because I am a freaking chicken when it comes to heights. I LOVE the idea of climbing up the side of a cliff. I love hiking and bouldering around But I can't seem to bring myself to do more than that.

Guess what I did today?


The first time we went up there I was nearly dizzy just looking off the balcony. Courtney (works at Zion Ponderosa) hooked me in and told me to go. But I kept stalling. I knew it was no big deal. But I physically could NOT get my legs to move me off the balcony. SO Bill pushed me. Thanks Bill. I really thought I would be able to do it without a push, but I could NOT. Once going I was able to relax and enjoy the ride. It was safe and mellow and not that big of a deal.
I had to try it again though. I needed to be able to do it without Bill Pushing me. I needed to know that I could overcome my fears and do things that scare the hell out of me. So I did. Some of you are looking at me and thinking - dude, Michelle, what is the big deal that Zipline is wimpy. yeah, well.... SO! I was scared anyway! I would never have jumped a year ago and I did it! I am so happy! I am ready for repelling and then Angel's landing and some rock climbing! BRING IT ON!

an apostle of God spoke today

Yesterday and today I had the opportunity to go listen to more instruction from a church conference.
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we do believe in the same organization that existed when Christ was on the earth.
We have a Prophet on the earth as well as 12 apostles that help lead the Church, receive revelation, and speak to us in God's behalf.
Usually our General Conference is when we get to hear from these apostles.
Our smaller "Stake Conferences" are normally area leaders and authorities speaking to us. But this weekend we had one of the 12 apostles of God - much like Peter, James, John, Luke etc... of the New Testament. It was a great privilege to hear an apostle of God speak.
along with him, we heard others speak - not so glamorous - like my neighbor's kid - Braydon Sanders. I know him and have been watching him grow up for the past 6 years. But still, he listened to the spirit and spoke from his hear and did a great job.

Here are my notes from this weekend and what I received from all words and speakers I can remember or took notes of.

Saturday was a crazy busy day. I debated even going to the evening session of our conference. I was tired and cranky and really just wanted to sleep. But I had been feeling kind of... "empty". I needed to be filled. So Bill and I went about 30 minutes late. But we got there.
we sat in the back of the room. I neglected to take good notes but I was impressed with the words of the speaker that was talking when we entered. It was on serving God because of Love for our Savior Jesus Christ. great words great talk. I was in and out of sleep during most of the other speakers. I remember feeling love and warmth even though I was struggling staying awake. I remember brother Worthen being a powerful spiritual speaker, But I can't remember the topic of his talk.
I was glad to be there, but praying I would hear something that was just for me.
Then Brother Holland got up to speak. He set aside his notes and said how he wished there was a living room big enough to sit casually and just talk to us directly. I really felt his love and concern for us. This was not a man here to put on a show, but a man who had prayed for us and what God wanted us to hear today.
he then went on to speak about how each of us hits times of trial - death, loneliness, sadness, financial hardship, problems with kids, problems with marriage. and he talked about the Love God has for broken things.
a few things that stood out to me -

- You don't abandon ship in a storm. Stay in the boat. Just because there is a struggle and you aren't getting things you want right now is not a reason to decide the church isn't true and jump ship. to do so is the most dangerous thing. Stay in the boat and ride out the storm.

- God loves broken things. when you feel broken is when God is most loving it seems. he asked that we bring a broken heart and contrite spirit to him. For anyone to say that because they hurt or are in pain that God must not love them is WRONG!
Then a powerful testimony was shared of how he sat by Prophets of God that were in pain.
Howard W. Hunter Cried out in agony as Cancer ravaged him.
Gordon B. Hinckley would mourn the loss of his wife and go home to an empty house and a can of tuna fish. never was there a lonelier man.
Spencer W. Kimball had every physical difficulty imaginable and experienced suffering of all sort personal, family and physical.

To say that God doesn't love these men because they suffer... is not so.
God LOVES his prophets and they suffered through the ages. when we suffer we must remember that God Loves us still.

I went Home feeling full and refreshed. and then I went to Dairy Queen and ruined it all. (Kidding) It was good to sit with friends afterward and share a good moment.

came home and went to bed.

SUNDAY...
got to conference late, sat in a relief society room where conference was being broadcast over the speaker system. I was actually happy to be in the overflow room as my kids like to make a little noise and the speakers were louder than they were in the main cultural hall where the majority of the congregation sat.
It reminded me of King Benjamin and the tower had had built so he could address the crowd that had gathered to hear him speak.

The apostle of God was speaking at the Stake Center in LAverkin. The wards were broken up and asked to attend assigned buildings to hear conference being broadcast to us wherever we were.

Kind Benjamin from the Book of Mormon had such a crowd gather that he had to have a tower set up so his voice would carry and then he had messengers deliver his message even further to the crowd that still could not hear that had gathered to hear.

So I felt like this is kind of what it must have been like for them. we weren't up close and personal to the apostle, but we were able to hear the address that was for us as God delivered the words to him. Still a great blessing to be there.

President Demille (Stake President)
spoke on the importance of having daily devotional time with God. personal prayer and scripture study. This was also a big part of many other talks this weekend.
Take time to talk to your father in Heaven daily.
Find Peace in doing the right things.
He shared the Poem/ hymn by Janice Kapp Perry "Be still and know that I am God"
to the Youth : Find time to be still and have a daily communication with God.

Braydon Sanders (my neighbor's kid)spoke next.
I have to admit - it is always hard to listen to a kid that you have watched grow up and make mistakes. But it was really cool hearing this young man and see the spiritual growth that has been occurring in him. He is becoming a strong Young Man and that is really cool!
His talk was on service and how he has really enjoyed getting to use the gift of the priesthood power to serve some elderly ladies and bring them the sacrament to their homes and the love that is found through service.



Sister??? Young women president whose name I did not catch
spoke on teaching Children to work and serve
- consistency, repetition and example are key elements
- our own attitude affects how we serve.
I loved this: "pretend you are raising someone else's kids and that their parents are watching you." (isn't this true? we are raising children of God and he is watching us - OUCH!)

Brother Jeppson of the temple presidency
Make your homes a temple-like atmosphere
"a house of order, a house of Learning, a house of God."
Come often to the temple.

Sister Worthen bore her testimony.
Opportunities like this cause one to ask "What do I believe?"
It brings you to your knees to ask and confirm what you believe in.
She also spoke of the importance of personal daily devotional with God.

Brother Worthen
regional representative
we live in a chaotic tumultuous time. how do we respond?
shared a story of a Platoon Sgt talking to a soldier. when you are in the most difficult circumstances, I have one thing to say:
"in combat the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing otherwise, you die."
The main thing: Have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ!
Faith is the opposite of Fear.
"If ye are prepared ye Shall not Fear."
"Prepare every needful thing."
You can prepare for almost everything...
But Just ONE thing is NEEDFUL! - Christ like Love
He shared a story of President Hinckley breaking safety protocols that had been reviewed and carefully planned for his safety when he decided reaching out to a sad widow and turning the wrong direction was more important than protocol - it took him forever to get out of that event.

If you are overwhelmed - find opportunities to serve others.


Sister Holland:
She shared her testimony to the fact that she loves her husband and KNOWS he IS an apostle of God. Very Strong testimony to that fact.
I loved her adoring words regarding their love and the humor as well.
"when I met him he had dimples. those dimples are now filled with my Good Cooking."
He speaks to us as if Jesus Christ were in the very room.
Happiness comes from Love and abiding in the love of Jesus Christ.
The most important thing we can do is Love God and Love each other. Love will cast out all fear.


Brother Holland - of the current 12 apostles on the earth today:
He spoke of how overwhelming his calling is. that it is knee buckling and brings him to his knees.
He spoke of Peter of the New testament that walked with Jesus.
His calling is the same - to testify of Christ and to assist in the leadership of the Church.
He said he understood more of Peter now - that when Christ died - Peter basically gave up and said "let's go fishing - we had a great ride."
Jesus was gone and he was lost.
When Jesus returned and showed himself to them and asked 3 times - do you love me - then feed my sheep.
The calling was the same as it was before. Jesus Christ LIVES! Peter became apostolic at that point. it was no longer just an appointment but became his life.

The question is asked of us: Do YOU love God? If the answer is YES then nothing else matters. If the answer is NO, then nothing else matters.
it is the only question that REALLY matters most. If we love God, we will serve him and keep the commandment.

if we truly LOVED GOD, could it make a difference in the way we lived, served, and in the Global community?

Brother Holland then gave us a blessing for everyone in the area and expressed that there was no limit to this blessing:
To the men: Honor and be worthy of the priesthood. grasp the significance of the priesthood.
They can change the course of history if they step up to the role and duty of the priesthood. Be more like the master that leads us. You will honor the the priesthood and learn patience and love starting in your own families and marriages.
to the women:
(this was powerful for me)
The Gospel has always been the story of women!
Brother Holland is a member of the church because of the strength of a woman in his family history. it was his mother that brought him to church. women carry the banner of faith, hope and charity.
It was his girlfriend who said to serve a mission or she wouldn't marry him. we laughed as he talked about how he .got his papers in for that one.
Women are loved and honored in the church.

He quoted someone as saying. "Mormon men are strong. BUT Mormon WOMEN are incredible!"

to the youth... not sure what he said because at this point my kids that had been REALLY GOOD were now tired of sitting and began fighting. Dane (age 6) comes in my face and says "Ilia Punched me!" Ilia Says "Not hard"
Dane says "I want my seat back"
"I'm hungry,"
I'm tired"
3 babies are crying and my 3 year old is throwing his socks.
funny? sure. or ironic.
I did hear brother Holland say something about needing to read 3rd Nephi Chapter 17 regarding the blessings given to the children when Jesus visited the Americas and gathered the children around him. Looks like I have some reading to do.

Closing thoughts by brother Holland
- Be believing- Love God, Do Good and Feel the hand of God in your lives.
It is a dark and dreary world without the gospel - a reminder not to jump ship in the storm.

and then for those that are questioning the truthfulness of the Gospel he says
"I have NOT given my life to a Fairy tale! I was NOT born yesterday. I have given my life to this gospel of Jesus Christ and will until the day I die. This is the Truth! I declare to you that this is God's Very truth"
This gospel has given me everything.
(he continued his blessing to all of us)
I promise you that if you live righteously - every prayer, every dream you have WILL be realized TENFOLD. It is HIS will.
Amen.


My thoughts - Thank you Lord for sending your servant to share with me thy will.
I recommit myself to doing better at serving my neighbors, being patient and loving with my family and having my personal quiet time with God. I recommit to including God in my hopes and dreams as well.

Rest in Peace Jason Oliver

Yesterday a man died.
Jason was a school buddy from Simi Valley High School class of 1992.
I went to that school from when I moved from Wyoming to California in the spring of 1990 to when I graduated in 1992.
I am not the best kind of friend. I don't carry relationships on very well when it isn't convenient. (facebook is changing that - lol)
I haven't seen or spoken to Jason since our graduation. Facebook was the way we reconnected after 17 years of not speaking or hanging out.
I was saddened beyond what I thought I would be yesterday when he passed away.
My husband asked if I wanted to go to his funeral and how close I was to Jason.
I really don't know how to define the connection I had felt with this man.
I only really knew him for a year and a half of my life.
But they were important years of my life.
Jason was... interesting, funny, strong, powerful, amazing.
I will admit I had a high school crush on him. It broke my heart when I found out he wasn't interested in women. :)
Jason was a political activist - and while I found myself on the opposite side of some major issues, he still acted like a kind loving passionate man who just was doing what he felt was the right thing. As was I.
He used to tell us that he would be President one day. We all KNEW he was the kind of man that could make that happen.
Jason was fearless.
He wore a tie to school every day.
He sang what he felt like when he felt like singing.
He would say what he felt.
Was I close to Jason?
As close as I was to most any other of my Simi High school buddies that I lost contact with after graduation.
Had I ran into him in a mall or post office I would have given him a huge hug and kiss on the cheek. And then we would have debated some political issue until I would cave and say "fine - you win."
I adored him.
I was thrilled when I "found" him on facebook. He was one of those people that never leaves your mind. He makes an impression. his smile burns into your heart. You cannot forget that smile.
He was adorable - even when I felt he was wrong. wrong or right. He was a powerhouse of a man. He deserves to be honored.
I don't know if I will go to his funeral or not.
But either way, I want the world to know...
Jason had strength.
His smile still is in my heart.
Rest in peace amazing, wonderful Jason.

Today was Fast Sunday:
In my church the first Sunday of every month is a day to dedicate to prayer for a special purpose and to go without food for a day (or 2 meals in our house).
It is a time of reflection, spiritual growth and of overcoming physical desires. Also on these Sundays there is a time dedicated during our church meetings for people to come up and share the thoughts that are in their hearts or "bare their testimonies".

I had an interesting moment of reflection today. A little over a week ago a woman in my congregation (ward) passed away. She was an older lady and was ready to return to her father in Heaven. Her passing was actually one of joy. At her funeral I was able to be around other women from my ward and we laughed and talked. there were a few tears with those that I hung around. Mostly - it was a joyful return home for her and we knew it.
However - today in church during fast and testimony meeting, I missed this woman... Sister Durtschi. She was one who would take the opportunity every chance she could to share her unwavering testimony of love and joy and faith. She was a rock! Suddenly - I missed her terribly. You never know what an impression someone has left on you until they are gone.
I began to reflect on another sweet lady I had known many many years earlier when I attended Hilliard ward in Southern Wyoming - Sister Martin. She too was a rock of faith and testimony. she was a short heavy set woman that walked with a cane. But she bore her testimony nearly every Sunday and it always started with this: "It is GOOD to be here this BEAUTIFUL Sunday morning." And then she would go on to share with us how wonderful Jesus Christ is and her unwavering testimony in his goodness and mercy and in a living prophet on the earth today and in the Book of Mormon and of the prophet Joseph Smith. She was a powerhouse. I realized today just how much she meant to me. She's been gone for many many years and I left that ward more than 20 years ago. she was gone to her father in Heaven before then. But today I missed Sister Durtschi and so I also missed Sister Martin. 2 amazing old ladies that were widows and strong faithful examples of sharing their love of their savior when the chance was given.

Brother Chuck Hardy got up to speak today and mentioned some of the things that were going on in my mind. I thought it was interesting that he would say the exact thoughts I was thinking. He mentioned that it was interesting not to have Sister D. come up and share her testimony with the rest of us and how someone needed to step up and take her place.

I felt prompted to stand and share my thoughts. I don't think my words came out as I had hoped. My thoughts were these -

You never know how much of an impression someone has made on you until they are gone. Sister Martin in the Hilliard ward was remembered by me today as I looked for the lady that would stand and share her unshaking love of the Savior with all of us. When brother Hardy issued the challenge that someone needed to step up and take her place, I did not think I ever could fill shoes like that, I am weak and struggle with so many issues, I am not on the same playing field as these ladies. I do however, feel the need - the urgency and the importance of sharing my faith in my savior Jesus Christ when the opportunity is given. But I also HOPED that others would see that their testimonies of faith were needed by others as well. I LOVE to hear how my brothers and sister in the gospel of Jesus Christ love the Lord their God. I love to hear how they overcome struggles. I feel so much closer to them and so much more hopeful after testimony meeting.
So I want to thank the Sister Durtschis, Sister Martins, Anna Mays, Daniellas, Brother what's his names and others in my life who have faithfully shared with me and the rest of us their love and faith during fast and testimony meetings. You have left an impression, your words were needed and I thank you for listening to your heart when it said "stand and share".
and to those who have done this in the past and are no longer here - You are forever in my heart. thank you. I have learned so much because of your steadfastness.

Happy valentine's day

I have written and re-written this blog post that I had hoped to dedicate to my husband Bill. I think this is my 5th attempt.
It's hard to find the exact words I want to say to the love of my life.
I met him in 1992. we became great friends and spent a lot of time together. we went Christmas shopping together for his girlfriend and ended up buying matching mats for each other.
I get a smile on my face every time I think about how our relationship started.

I just wanted to make sure the world knew it. but I can't seem to say enough. Or I end up saying it wrong. I love you Bill.
"Te adoro, te admiro, te amo!"

missing him...

Bill just took the kids to his stepmom's funeralin California. They will be gone for a couple of days.
I miss him terribly. I do adore that man of mine. for all of our differences and struggles - I really do NOT want to be without him ever. He is such a comfort to me when I am down. or lonely.
Bill - I am writing this publicly to you. regardless of my selfish flaws and our differences of opinions, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. thanks for being patient with me as I grow my business and try to figure so many things out. I am so glad you are by my side through all of this.
I love you Bill.