I have weird guilt pangs on Mother's day sometimes. You see... I am not the sterotypical mom that stays home and bakes goodies and has a clean home. I work long hours and when I come home we quickly throw some food together, do a fast 15 minute tidy of the house and I might take a nap. and then go to work again. I crash after a long day at work around 10pm and I wake up at 5am. so... yeah... I work hard but not too hard in the house. I often feel guilty about it but I feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing right now. I know there are a lot of things for me to get better at and figure out. But this is my life as it currently is.
Last Sunday as I was in church with my family some of the speakers were discussing memories of their moms (It was Mother's day). Memories of coming home to an immaculate house with cookies or pies or cakes in the oven. and so on... I wondered - what will my kids memories of me be? What will they think of me? Am I a failure as a mother that my kids won't have memories of me baking in the kitchen?
A few weeks ago we were volunteering as a family at the Ironman this week it's the Relay for
Life. It seems like we are always involved in events in the community. It's what I love to do.
Last night I set up a tent at the Relay for Life and I played with my kids all night. My 2 little boys were playing hard and running all over the place. My daughter was talking with a friend and having a great time walking around the track for a good cause. At night when I finally found a moment to lay down in the tent next to my little ones sound asleep and wrapped more blankets over them, I put my arm around one of my kids and I thought to myself "I hope this is the memory my kids have of me. That we did things together. I hope they don't feel deprived of a mother that bakes. I hope they know I love them because of what we go do."
This activity and this way of me being me doesn't make me better or worse than any other mother and the way they do things. It was just nice to come to a realization that I was OK. That I was good enough and doing a good job. I kissed my 4 year old on the cheek before I drifted off and said "I love you Ferrell" He grinned and whispered "I love you most mom." "I thought you were asleep." "nope I'm not tired" (he says with his eyes closed as he snuggled his teddy bear). "Did you have a good day kiddo?" "yup... I was in a race mom. It was awesome." And he closed his eyes again and went back to sleep.
That was the cake I just baked for my kids.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
the craziness of it all
I'm in a bad mood as I write this. I do my best writing when I am irritated. My husband and I are both small business owner. Bill operates a design and print business, I own a fitness studio, the 2 of us together operate a kayak and SUP rental and sales business.
As small business owners we do EVERYTHING!
Take my business as a fitness studio for instance:
I do almost all of the fitness training, sales, bookkeeping, marketing, data entry, housekeeping, customer service, etc... the list goes on and on and on...
Around Tax season I am asked to then make an inventory list of EVERYTHING in my studio I purchased for business and then to pay taxes on all of that (again - yearly).
So the weights, mats, books and magazines, CD's, notebooks, paperclips, chairs, tables, magnets holding my display board up, the display board, the hammer and nails, the desks, You name it... EVERYTHING that exists in my studio I am supposed to itemize, keep track of the costs (if I acquired it for free I need to get an actual cost if I were have to buy it) Then after I figure out EVERYTHING I have for my business, I have to categorize it into categories that make very little sense and then figure out what year everything was purchase and THEN... I get to figure out the taxes owed on all that. Every year. So I purchase the items once - pay for taxes then. And since I own a business I get to continue to pay taxes on everything I ever bought every year I am in business.
I am not a fan of taxes. I hate taking time out of my already busy schedule to tell the IRS every shred of everything I own and every penny I have ever made. It takes me weeks to figure it all out and it is exhausting and stressful - not to mention the hours I lose being able to work my actual business.
My husband and I are not rich people according to whatever someone somewhere decided was the poverty level. funny thing though, our kids eat enough food, we have a roof over our heads, we own our own cars (no payments) and we are happy. Do we have a flat screen TV? no. Do we have a new car right off the lot? no. Do we pay for health insurance? no. Do we take our kids to the Doctor at the first sign of a sniffle? no. We cure our own kids with nutrition, essential oils and herbs so we save a bundle on medical expenses. We go to the Lake and play with the whole family. The kids get to play with us. We have very little debt (other than a house that we no longer have... another story another day...) We are very happy and at peace with wehre we are. BUT every year we are asked to file a tax return to tell the government how much money we did or did not make. and every year the IRS sends us a nice sized check. It's stooopid! Do we NEED it? well... who could use a few extra thousand dollars a year sent to them by the IRS? But do we NEED it? ugh. I am swallowing hard as I write - no. We can get by without it. when that check comes in we plan - well... we could get some more inventory, we could pay for some medical stuff. we could get some new glasses. we could get the car fixed. Nothing fancy for us. we are pretty simple people. Some people take vacations or buy new TV's. Do you realize that every penny we get back is part of the National debt? anything you purchase with a tax return check is money that doesn't exist. You are buying stuff with FAKE money! So really we all have stolen goods if we get a tax return and bought something with it. The money isn't real anymore.
Bill and I stop our work for a week or to round up receipts, expenses, invoices, mileage, download statements, etc... there is stress on us as we try to deal with each other Him and his lack of organization skills me and my lack of perfection in trying to find every last penny. (I have a habit of walking away from it and saying "screw it") So we yell at each other, and get really grumpy. I snap at the kids and I would rather just NOT do my taxes at all. After Filing our legally required paperwork every year, we get a nice check. You know what it's good for? to make up for the money we lost when we couldn't run our businesses because we were trying to find papers and download files. I don't need the check. I need to run my business. I am so tired of people whining that they are "entitled" to tax dollars. Go work your ass off and quit whining. I'd send you my check, but I am going to fix my kid's broken bikes and put up a fence for my dog this year. I'd rather be working than filing my tax return. Thanks for the money Uncle Sam. Maybe someday you will quit asking for me to prove what I make and I will quit telling you how very little it is and you can quit thinking I need a pity check every year and start paying off some of your own damn debt. Thanks Uncle Sam. I don't need your medicaid and I don't need your Social Security. I just need you to leave me alone and let me work!
As small business owners we do EVERYTHING!
Take my business as a fitness studio for instance:
I do almost all of the fitness training, sales, bookkeeping, marketing, data entry, housekeeping, customer service, etc... the list goes on and on and on...
Around Tax season I am asked to then make an inventory list of EVERYTHING in my studio I purchased for business and then to pay taxes on all of that (again - yearly).
So the weights, mats, books and magazines, CD's, notebooks, paperclips, chairs, tables, magnets holding my display board up, the display board, the hammer and nails, the desks, You name it... EVERYTHING that exists in my studio I am supposed to itemize, keep track of the costs (if I acquired it for free I need to get an actual cost if I were have to buy it) Then after I figure out EVERYTHING I have for my business, I have to categorize it into categories that make very little sense and then figure out what year everything was purchase and THEN... I get to figure out the taxes owed on all that. Every year. So I purchase the items once - pay for taxes then. And since I own a business I get to continue to pay taxes on everything I ever bought every year I am in business.
I am not a fan of taxes. I hate taking time out of my already busy schedule to tell the IRS every shred of everything I own and every penny I have ever made. It takes me weeks to figure it all out and it is exhausting and stressful - not to mention the hours I lose being able to work my actual business.
My husband and I are not rich people according to whatever someone somewhere decided was the poverty level. funny thing though, our kids eat enough food, we have a roof over our heads, we own our own cars (no payments) and we are happy. Do we have a flat screen TV? no. Do we have a new car right off the lot? no. Do we pay for health insurance? no. Do we take our kids to the Doctor at the first sign of a sniffle? no. We cure our own kids with nutrition, essential oils and herbs so we save a bundle on medical expenses. We go to the Lake and play with the whole family. The kids get to play with us. We have very little debt (other than a house that we no longer have... another story another day...) We are very happy and at peace with wehre we are. BUT every year we are asked to file a tax return to tell the government how much money we did or did not make. and every year the IRS sends us a nice sized check. It's stooopid! Do we NEED it? well... who could use a few extra thousand dollars a year sent to them by the IRS? But do we NEED it? ugh. I am swallowing hard as I write - no. We can get by without it. when that check comes in we plan - well... we could get some more inventory, we could pay for some medical stuff. we could get some new glasses. we could get the car fixed. Nothing fancy for us. we are pretty simple people. Some people take vacations or buy new TV's. Do you realize that every penny we get back is part of the National debt? anything you purchase with a tax return check is money that doesn't exist. You are buying stuff with FAKE money! So really we all have stolen goods if we get a tax return and bought something with it. The money isn't real anymore.
Bill and I stop our work for a week or to round up receipts, expenses, invoices, mileage, download statements, etc... there is stress on us as we try to deal with each other Him and his lack of organization skills me and my lack of perfection in trying to find every last penny. (I have a habit of walking away from it and saying "screw it") So we yell at each other, and get really grumpy. I snap at the kids and I would rather just NOT do my taxes at all. After Filing our legally required paperwork every year, we get a nice check. You know what it's good for? to make up for the money we lost when we couldn't run our businesses because we were trying to find papers and download files. I don't need the check. I need to run my business. I am so tired of people whining that they are "entitled" to tax dollars. Go work your ass off and quit whining. I'd send you my check, but I am going to fix my kid's broken bikes and put up a fence for my dog this year. I'd rather be working than filing my tax return. Thanks for the money Uncle Sam. Maybe someday you will quit asking for me to prove what I make and I will quit telling you how very little it is and you can quit thinking I need a pity check every year and start paying off some of your own damn debt. Thanks Uncle Sam. I don't need your medicaid and I don't need your Social Security. I just need you to leave me alone and let me work!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Michelle's swim support story for 2012 Ironman St. George
It looked like it was going to be a perfect Ironman race day. Bill
and I woke up at 3:30am to load up and head out to Sand Hollow Reservoir
with our Kayaks and Paddleboards. Had our regular meetings and split up
into group. There were roughly 60 kayakers/Paddleboarders. PLUS they
had a big group of Lifeguards about 20 or so also on their paddle
boards, almost all of them were first time paddleboarders used to life
guarding from a tower at a pool. There were several boats and a handful
of jetskis. we were well equipped to handle this swim in normal
conditions.
At the early morning meeting we were told that several hundred were doing their first Ironman and to be ready for those that underestimate the swim. It is the most dangerous portion of the race for those under prepared. Our job as Paddle support was to be in the thick of the swimmers pretty much in the way if necessary and be with them to pick them up and signal for a jet ski or boat to take them.
So we paddles get in position.
The sun was rising beautifully, I am on the water on my paddleboard that the night before I was doing Yoga on the same board on the same lake in calm water.
This is going to be a fun day and I am looking forward to paddling and helping out. Although I do take my job seriously, I also have a blast out there doing swim support. I've helped with many triathlons and know what to do.
The music is going I'm standing and dancing on my board and enjoying the party. The Ironman speaker system is pumping out some great tunes and the announcer is having a great time playing it up - good party!
My husband and I are with the big group toward the starting line. In fact the paddlers are asked to mark the starting line and push the swimmers into position between the starting buoys marking the correct place to start. I happen to be the kind of person that takes my job seriously when we do swim support. After the Pro racers take off, we were asked to keep the other athletes/swimmers behind the starting line, between the buoys and those that were warming up needed to do so in the proper areas as designated. LOL! yeah... try to tell them that. I did. While most of the athletes follow instructions and were in the proper starting area, there were a handful telling me to "chill out lady" "it's not a big deal." Sorry folks it is a big deal! You are in a freaking Ironman race! If you start out 20 meters in front of the starting line and you get out of the water 10 meters in front of someone in your division - yeah - you suck! Follow the rules people - this is not a hippie race/free for all. Swim support was given a job to do and that was to help enforce the rules the athletes signed a line and said they would follow. Some guy swimming for his warm up way past the starting line (where he was not supposed to be warming up) was heading back toward the start I was doing my job near the start line yelling at athletes to get back and inside the start lines. when this swimmer is heading my way out of nowhere... I tried to quickly maneuver out of his way ... and I yelled at him to watch out. He was in the thick of the Kayakers and he hits the side of my paddleboard with his head and goes under me flailing. when he gets his head up he looks at me and holds up his hand in a gesture that says " $%#@, lady, what the %^&#$" He actually didn't say a word. I yelled at him "Duude -sorry I tried tell you..." I'm sure he blames me for any lack of success he may have encountered.
I hear the announcer say "Remember athletes - the only thing you have control over today is your attitude..."
Then the race starts.
The Ironman is a tough race. One of the toughest events in the world. The athletes swim 2.2 miles then get on their bikes and ride over 100 miles and then finish the race running a marathon. I feel like I am in Pretty good shape - but I have never done any of these things on their own. doing them back to back takes someone who is more than just "good shape" it takes amazing strength, endurance and mental prowess. It really is a test of mental toughness as much as physical skill. No one should EVER sign up for an Ironman race without knowing first that they are in for one of the toughest days of their life. They sign a waiver that says they are fully aware they could lose their life doing the Ironman.
Most first time Ironman athletes completely underestimate the difficulty of the swim. As swim support we are warned that the biggest danger is not drowning - it is the adrenaline rush and panicking that is the most dangerous. A few hundred Yard from the starting line is the BUSIEST place for swim support - not nearly finished when you would think we would be pulling the most swimmers. Nope it's at the start when their nerves are too dangerous to be able to complete the swim.
The athletes are allowed to hold onto swim support vessels as long as there is no forward motion. We cannot paddle forward or they are disqualified. We were told to expect mild wind about 9mph. no sweat, I can do that.
The swimmers are off and the pros are way out in front and going strong and steady. We are in the thick of the rest of the athletes - many never having done something like this in their life. Swimmers are all over the place swimming in every direction. We are correcting courses telling people to turn around and head the other way. I had stop a few people actually swimming backward and tell them to go forward. One woman that was swimming back toward the start line and struggling for breath I paddled over to her and asked if she was ok, told her she was going the wrong direction and she was bewildered. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Swimming is MY event. I am an amazing swimmer, I should be able to do this, what's wrong with me?"
Me: is this your first Ironman?
Her: yes.
Me: are you nervous?
Her: VERY! (and she laughs)
Me: Your biggest danger is your fear, you need to calm down. you have 2 more miles. do you think you can continue for 2 more miles of this?
Her: yes I can
Me: I will be watching you.
Her: Ok, thanks
She takes some time holding onto my board to catch her breath, calm down and collect herself...and she heads off.
Then the wind slammed us!
I had been sitting on my board - not standing. I felt a little nervous but I could handle this. I am a strong paddler and have never fallen off my board in the wind when I am sitting on it - ever! I am a crappy swimmer though. I am watching these swimmers really struggle as the wind picks up and produces swells one after another 4-5 feet high. This is not the ocean, it's worse. Waves in the ocean give you a break between them. We were experiencing wind around 40 miles per hour. Boats were rocking and in danger of being capsized and we paddlers were being pushed around. Our bodies were sails for our vessels we were on.
As I would paddle to one swimmer after another checking on their status as they struggled to catch their breath between swells I would have to back paddle HARD to make sure the wind didn't push me forward as they held onto my board.
Someone asked me if it would have been a benefit to have the wind pushing the swimmers forward and it must have been nice for them having the wind at their back as they swam that first leg. The problem was they could not see the next swell coming their way over their heads as they gasped for air. They were gulping water and struggling for breath. So no, it was not easy. The paddlers were struggling as well as we fought the wind pushing us around and sometimes away from swimmers calling for help. It took serious arm strength to paddle in hard to assist a swimmer. I was glad I was able to help 4 swimmers get to a jetski. I never have pulled that many swimmers out personally from the water. I was on my way to assist another swimmer when "WHAM" I was off my board and hit in the head as my board flipped over me and I watched it get tossed away be the wind. I was pummeled by a big swell. CRAP! My PFD (personal flotation device) was on the board not on me and it was gone with the board. I was in the water with swimmers and now I needed rescued too. Unlike the Ironman athletes I had NOT trained for any kind of swimming event. In fact I have a serious fear of deep water and I was in trouble.
Let me be the first to say
it - yes I was stupid and did not wear my life vest. I really had been
used to my wetsuit being enough buoyancy and I was a proud of my ability
to stay on my board. This event humbled me. You can be sure next time
I do swim support - I will be wearing that bulky ugly vest of mine.
I was embarrassed that I had fallen off my board. That was my first emotion. Very quickly came the next feeling - Panic! "CRAP! I am a lousy swimmer"
It's funny how fast thoughts can go through your head in a manner of seconds...
"I can't believe I was tossed off my board."
"people must think I am a fool"
"Shoot, I suck at swimming."
"I could drown"
"I can't catch my breathe"
all sorts of muddled panicking thoughts
"I can't swim, I can't swim, I can't swim...."
I see 3 kayaks heading my way to rescue me - one of them is my husband.
"crap - they should be doing their job and rescuing swimmers - not me"
"calm down Michelle - Calm down - the first rule of survival is Don't panic"
LOL - we learn that in first aid right - Rule number one - Don't panic!
Also for those of us that are Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fans we all know the first rule of "don't Panic!"
I try swimming but I am holding onto my paddle and someone's wetsuit swim cap they tossed I had picked up in the wate. The wind and waves are pummeling me. I have no idea why I didn't let go of the swim cap. I didn't even think about it for some reason. That is kind of funny now that I look back. I was worried about saving a stupid wet suit cap. weird.
I am swimming as hard as I can holding onto these things. I had already been paddling hard and now I was swimming hard as I could using all my power to try and get to the closest Kayak to me. He is struggling against the wind and swells to get to me as well.
"I could die out here."
He throws me a PFD and I swim to it hard and hold on tight. I yell at my husband off in the distance. "I'M OK!" and I give him a thumbs up. I knew once I had that floatie - I would be ok. I was now just fine. I think... but maybe not... not sure. Still not a good place to be out there. The Kayaker moves in finally and tells me to hold on while he maneuvers over to another kayaker that had been tossed over by the wind and swells. It seemed like forever just holding on and pushing against the elements to get to the other kayaker in the water. The guy that rescued me asks if I can pull myself into his kayak, I pull and pull and maneuver and keep trying. I am again embarrassed because I know I can do this. I can't figure out why I can't pull my own self up in his kayak. It sucks!
We finally get to the other guy in the water and he is hanging onto his kayak for dear life. He also can't pull himself back in and is exhausted from all that paddling against the wind. My rescuer tells me to hang onto this man's kayak with him and see if we can assist each other back in while he paddles back out to help more swimmer, lifeguards and kayakers struggling in the water. It's all we can do to hang onto each other across the Kayak and help keep each other up. My arm strength is spent from all that paddling, swimming and trying to pull myself up for that long. My husband kayaks over in his 2 seater vessel and says, "Michelle I need your help. Climb into my kayak. I need help paddling. My arms are exhausted and I could use your help." I consider it and try to maneuver myself. I can't. I just can't I think about those swimmers and how badly they need our support out there. "I can't Bill, I am spent." I feel absolutely guilty and awful that I am useless in the water.
I continue to hang onto the other Kayaker's arm. and hope and Pray for my husband that he can do his job and not worry about me. I am scared more than I have ever been for all those swimmers. I see kayakers all over getting ssed out of their boats. I asked the guy (Ken) if he would mind if I prayed. "please do..." "Dear God, we, are scared. Please help those swimmers out there. and also us and the other swim support - please bless us all with safety on this crazy water. In Jesus name, amen." "amen." we decided to let the wind push us back to land while hanging onto each other. It's a long way back and we are both in the cold water for quite a while. Ken starts heaving over onto my side of the kayak. His puke landing next to me in the water. At first I am a little grossed out and then I laugh at the odd humor of it all. I had been hoping to be hanging out in my swimsuit and relaxing on my board by now. Instead I have Ken's puke drifting around me in the water as we cling to each other for dear life. I am actually laughing and telling Ken "let it out my friend" in a manner much like the character in Mystery Men - the invisible boy would have said. I think I'm funny.
After quite sometime hanging onto each other I finally feel like I have some strength returning to me and I pull myself into the kayak. But the wind starts tossing me and using my body like a sail. So I drop back into the water realizing that we are safer if I stay low and out of the wind. Ken is just trying not to puke again.
I'm not sure how much time passed before Ken and I drift into shore. I see several big boats and loads of kayaks and paddleboards all lining the beach.
We were not the only ones tossed. I am no longer embarrassed. I head to the sheriff's trailer to get warmed up and out of my cold clothes. Other boaters and kayakers are there sharing their stories. All of us are looking at the water and nervous about those swimmers. We realize that the majority of swim support is no longer on the water.
This means that those 1700 swimmer (give or take) covering 2 miles of a tough swim only have a few kayaks a few jet skis and a few boats. It's not good and there is NOTHING those of us on shore can do. So we had a prayer. There was a group of us in the trailer that decided to say a prayer that there would be no loss of life - a real possibility in these conditions. We asked God to watch over the swimmers for us since we no longer could.
There were tears shed by several swim support volunteers whose hearts were still on the water. (I'll admit - I was one of the tear shedders).
I looked around the crowd of stranded swim support and we started sharing stories.
The air was filled with the sound of Kayakers and lifeguards blowing their whistles calling over help. NEVER have heard that many emergency whistles being blown. Kayaks were being swamped by swimmers that were panicking. One kayaker said her vessel had 10 swimmers hanging onto it and she couldn't even paddle. She was blowing her whistle over and over to try and get help when one swimmer panicked and tried to jump in her kayak with her - capsizing the boat and endangering everyone's lives.
More similar stories are shared. We are hanging out by the south beach ramp and boats are bringing swimmers in by the dozens. I have never witnessed anything like this before. The swimmers are waiting to get on buses to take them back to the transition. I see the woman that held onto my craft at the start. I go over and hug her. She gives me a big smile "I guess I wasn't ready for this after all." I point to the crowd and say "me too!" we laugh a little together. Then I overhear some athletes say "THEY SHOULD CANCEL THIS! THIS IS AWFUL! NO ONE CAN SWIM IN THIS!" He's angry and yelling. So many athletes are being hauled away in buses - This has never happened. 400 athletes are pulled from the water - some of their own choice and some had no choice but were asked to get out. Some are angry, some are grateful. Some are just too exhausted to feel anything for now.
So many different emotions from all the athletes. again the words of the announcer at the start come to mind. "remember the only thing you have any control over today is your attitude." So true.
I look for my husband among the standed paddlers, I can't find him anywhere. I see really experienced kayakers that have been tumbled to shore. But I don't see Bill anywhere or his kayak. I realize my husband is one of a handful of kayaks left on the water. I know his physical strength and his determined spirit is keeping him out there - not letting the wind beat him.
I am embarrassed that I couldn't do what I said I could do. I am dissappointed in myself for not doing what I said I would do. and I feel like I let people down that were counting on me to do what I said I could do.
I wonder if this is a little of what a Disqualified Ironman athlete feels?
I see 3 paddlers coming in - Walt a Professional boater/kayaker, Mike Caifa the leader of the whole Kayak support crew and amazing kayaking professional with loads of exeprience on the water, and then I see Bill. I run to him and hug and kiss him. I am impressed. Out of 60 kayakers and paddlers I saw only 3 return safely to shore in their kayak after the race was over. I have no idea if there were more out there til the end. But this was all I saw return back having been able to accomplish the entire swim portion of the race as swim support.
We just had our own version of an Ironman.
1700 swimmers hit the water, 400 were pulled and 1300 made it around and swam the entire 2 miles in rough water. wow!
So the question: Why didn't they cancel the swim portion of the Ironman?
My personal view:
You just don't do that. This is the freaking Ironman. Many of these athletes have travelled the globe to test their skill. Many are used to swimming in the ocean and have trained in more difficult situations than what we desert dwellers witnessed. 1300 swimmers made it. What do you tell those 1300 people that accomplished this. Plus - how do you just cancel? The weather was great when we started. the swimmers are in the water and the support is having more difficulty than the swimmers are. if you cancel the swim - you still have swimmers out there with very little support and they all have to make it back. If they can swim it- they should swim it! 1300 swimmers are glad the swim was not canceled.
Would I do it again? Absolutely! But next time I will wear my life vest. I also plan on swimming more this year and practicing pulling myself up in the water.
I hate swimming. I guess I need to learn to love it if I am going to be able to do the job I signed up for. right?
after the swim....
Bill and I went home and took a LOOOOOONG nap. Then we prepped for a night at running aid station number one - next to the finish line. we gathered up the kids, packed some food, blankets and water and headed out the door for our final round of Ironman volunteering. I've never done this with all 5 of my kids. We are signed up for 6-midnight. Let's see if this works.
Awesome. I love the excitement! I see familiar faces from the water and found out that the Ironman officials allowed the hundreds pulled from the water to continue the race without their race chips. They will be able to cross the finish line but will not qualify for any awards. I thought that was cool.
My kids, my husband and I
were handing out water, coke, and wet sponges to runners as they jogged
past. The cutest thing was watching my 4 year old so eager to help
holding the "Perform" cups (a drink kind of like Gatorade) and yelling
out to the runners to take a drink. Of course he's adorable - He's 4.
Runners would stop and take a drink from him and smile and tell him
thanks. He was beaming. Later on that night he told me he wanted to go
run too. So I took his hand and we jogged about a block away. I
pretended that a sign on the road was the finish line and He and I
cheered until he saw more runners go past us. It was about 10:00pm so
the runners were few and far between by now. But my little boy was
angry at me. "That's not the real finish line! I want to run to the
REAL finish line."
LOL! I love that he was inspired by these athletes to want to cross a finish line. So we start again. I grab his hand and we run alongside another Ironman athlete that laughs as he says "I just got beat by a kid and his mom" he was smiling, we were smiling. We ran as close as we could to the finish line before we swerved off to the side and went to the stands to watch the other runners come in. It was awesome! All that cheering, all that emotion, all that relief and sweat and tears and laughter. Man, I love this stuff. I think I am a junkie.
Ferrell says "MOM, IT'S TOO LOUD! LET'S GO BACK!"
:)
Throughout the run portion I have people telling me "Hi - wow, your everywhere." Bill comes up to me and and says he almost gave a woman a pat on the butt til he realized it wasn't me. People all over the place I have never met are saying HI like I should know them. apparently there is another 30 something woman out there with bleached blonde hair and a pink faux hawk, wearing silver earrings, no make-up, and athletic build. her name is Jamie. we find each other. I have a new facebook Buddy. I recognize her from the running circuit as a woman that has kicked my butt in another race at some point. and I remember thinking I liked her hair. But it wasn't pink then.
Another friend running the Ironman stops by the aid station for some chicken broth and coke or something - Ben Ford. We start talking about the swim portion. He wonders what the big deal was. he was just fine. Sure it was tough but not that bad and he did just fine and finished strong in the water.
Another runner comes by -I don't know him but he recognizes me from swim support and thanks me for being on the water that morning. I walk with him a little way and we talk about the craziness of the water. He tells me someone died. I feel sick to my stomache. I am not surprised if that happened but I am angry that I couldn't have stopped that. I tell my husband and he calls Mike Caifa and verifies that that was actually just a rumor. All the athletes were accounted for. some were missing for a while - just didn't check in when pulled from the water. But they tracked everyone down and there were No lives lost on the water. I count it as a miracle and the sickness in my stomache goes away. I wish I could run after the other athlete and tell him. But He is long gone by then.
My 14 year old son is all smiles as he works next to a cute girl handing out water.
My buddies show up with DRUMS! YAY! African drumming starts going and I can't sit still. the party get started again. The sun is down, the air is cooling and runners are exhausted. then they hear the drum the Sanderson's brought and they start dancing past our aid station. I dance with a few of them. It's a party again.
11:30 - the last runner goes by but they have another 3 miles to go to the finish. we are done. I have kids asleep on the ground with pillows and blankets.
We get home after midnight. What an amazing party. I may not be one of the elite athletes doing the race. But I most certainly enjoyed the day and am physically and emotionally exhausted when it it all over. Today (Sunday) the day after - I can hardly talk and my elbow and legs are very sore. But I am inspired, excited and motivated by the skill and determination I saw during Ironman. What a day!
At the early morning meeting we were told that several hundred were doing their first Ironman and to be ready for those that underestimate the swim. It is the most dangerous portion of the race for those under prepared. Our job as Paddle support was to be in the thick of the swimmers pretty much in the way if necessary and be with them to pick them up and signal for a jet ski or boat to take them.
So we paddles get in position.
The sun was rising beautifully, I am on the water on my paddleboard that the night before I was doing Yoga on the same board on the same lake in calm water.
This is going to be a fun day and I am looking forward to paddling and helping out. Although I do take my job seriously, I also have a blast out there doing swim support. I've helped with many triathlons and know what to do.
The music is going I'm standing and dancing on my board and enjoying the party. The Ironman speaker system is pumping out some great tunes and the announcer is having a great time playing it up - good party!
My husband and I are with the big group toward the starting line. In fact the paddlers are asked to mark the starting line and push the swimmers into position between the starting buoys marking the correct place to start. I happen to be the kind of person that takes my job seriously when we do swim support. After the Pro racers take off, we were asked to keep the other athletes/swimmers behind the starting line, between the buoys and those that were warming up needed to do so in the proper areas as designated. LOL! yeah... try to tell them that. I did. While most of the athletes follow instructions and were in the proper starting area, there were a handful telling me to "chill out lady" "it's not a big deal." Sorry folks it is a big deal! You are in a freaking Ironman race! If you start out 20 meters in front of the starting line and you get out of the water 10 meters in front of someone in your division - yeah - you suck! Follow the rules people - this is not a hippie race/free for all. Swim support was given a job to do and that was to help enforce the rules the athletes signed a line and said they would follow. Some guy swimming for his warm up way past the starting line (where he was not supposed to be warming up) was heading back toward the start I was doing my job near the start line yelling at athletes to get back and inside the start lines. when this swimmer is heading my way out of nowhere... I tried to quickly maneuver out of his way ... and I yelled at him to watch out. He was in the thick of the Kayakers and he hits the side of my paddleboard with his head and goes under me flailing. when he gets his head up he looks at me and holds up his hand in a gesture that says " $%#@, lady, what the %^&#$" He actually didn't say a word. I yelled at him "Duude -sorry I tried tell you..." I'm sure he blames me for any lack of success he may have encountered.
I hear the announcer say "Remember athletes - the only thing you have control over today is your attitude..."
Then the race starts.
The Ironman is a tough race. One of the toughest events in the world. The athletes swim 2.2 miles then get on their bikes and ride over 100 miles and then finish the race running a marathon. I feel like I am in Pretty good shape - but I have never done any of these things on their own. doing them back to back takes someone who is more than just "good shape" it takes amazing strength, endurance and mental prowess. It really is a test of mental toughness as much as physical skill. No one should EVER sign up for an Ironman race without knowing first that they are in for one of the toughest days of their life. They sign a waiver that says they are fully aware they could lose their life doing the Ironman.
Most first time Ironman athletes completely underestimate the difficulty of the swim. As swim support we are warned that the biggest danger is not drowning - it is the adrenaline rush and panicking that is the most dangerous. A few hundred Yard from the starting line is the BUSIEST place for swim support - not nearly finished when you would think we would be pulling the most swimmers. Nope it's at the start when their nerves are too dangerous to be able to complete the swim.
The athletes are allowed to hold onto swim support vessels as long as there is no forward motion. We cannot paddle forward or they are disqualified. We were told to expect mild wind about 9mph. no sweat, I can do that.
The swimmers are off and the pros are way out in front and going strong and steady. We are in the thick of the rest of the athletes - many never having done something like this in their life. Swimmers are all over the place swimming in every direction. We are correcting courses telling people to turn around and head the other way. I had stop a few people actually swimming backward and tell them to go forward. One woman that was swimming back toward the start line and struggling for breath I paddled over to her and asked if she was ok, told her she was going the wrong direction and she was bewildered. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Swimming is MY event. I am an amazing swimmer, I should be able to do this, what's wrong with me?"
Me: is this your first Ironman?
Her: yes.
Me: are you nervous?
Her: VERY! (and she laughs)
Me: Your biggest danger is your fear, you need to calm down. you have 2 more miles. do you think you can continue for 2 more miles of this?
Her: yes I can
Me: I will be watching you.
Her: Ok, thanks
She takes some time holding onto my board to catch her breath, calm down and collect herself...and she heads off.
Then the wind slammed us!
I had been sitting on my board - not standing. I felt a little nervous but I could handle this. I am a strong paddler and have never fallen off my board in the wind when I am sitting on it - ever! I am a crappy swimmer though. I am watching these swimmers really struggle as the wind picks up and produces swells one after another 4-5 feet high. This is not the ocean, it's worse. Waves in the ocean give you a break between them. We were experiencing wind around 40 miles per hour. Boats were rocking and in danger of being capsized and we paddlers were being pushed around. Our bodies were sails for our vessels we were on.
As I would paddle to one swimmer after another checking on their status as they struggled to catch their breath between swells I would have to back paddle HARD to make sure the wind didn't push me forward as they held onto my board.
Someone asked me if it would have been a benefit to have the wind pushing the swimmers forward and it must have been nice for them having the wind at their back as they swam that first leg. The problem was they could not see the next swell coming their way over their heads as they gasped for air. They were gulping water and struggling for breath. So no, it was not easy. The paddlers were struggling as well as we fought the wind pushing us around and sometimes away from swimmers calling for help. It took serious arm strength to paddle in hard to assist a swimmer. I was glad I was able to help 4 swimmers get to a jetski. I never have pulled that many swimmers out personally from the water. I was on my way to assist another swimmer when "WHAM" I was off my board and hit in the head as my board flipped over me and I watched it get tossed away be the wind. I was pummeled by a big swell. CRAP! My PFD (personal flotation device) was on the board not on me and it was gone with the board. I was in the water with swimmers and now I needed rescued too. Unlike the Ironman athletes I had NOT trained for any kind of swimming event. In fact I have a serious fear of deep water and I was in trouble.
Let me be the first to say
it - yes I was stupid and did not wear my life vest. I really had been
used to my wetsuit being enough buoyancy and I was a proud of my ability
to stay on my board. This event humbled me. You can be sure next time
I do swim support - I will be wearing that bulky ugly vest of mine.I was embarrassed that I had fallen off my board. That was my first emotion. Very quickly came the next feeling - Panic! "CRAP! I am a lousy swimmer"
It's funny how fast thoughts can go through your head in a manner of seconds...
"I can't believe I was tossed off my board."
"people must think I am a fool"
"Shoot, I suck at swimming."
"I could drown"
"I can't catch my breathe"
all sorts of muddled panicking thoughts
"I can't swim, I can't swim, I can't swim...."
I see 3 kayaks heading my way to rescue me - one of them is my husband.
"crap - they should be doing their job and rescuing swimmers - not me"
"calm down Michelle - Calm down - the first rule of survival is Don't panic"
LOL - we learn that in first aid right - Rule number one - Don't panic!
Also for those of us that are Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fans we all know the first rule of "don't Panic!"
I try swimming but I am holding onto my paddle and someone's wetsuit swim cap they tossed I had picked up in the wate. The wind and waves are pummeling me. I have no idea why I didn't let go of the swim cap. I didn't even think about it for some reason. That is kind of funny now that I look back. I was worried about saving a stupid wet suit cap. weird.
I am swimming as hard as I can holding onto these things. I had already been paddling hard and now I was swimming hard as I could using all my power to try and get to the closest Kayak to me. He is struggling against the wind and swells to get to me as well.
"I could die out here."
He throws me a PFD and I swim to it hard and hold on tight. I yell at my husband off in the distance. "I'M OK!" and I give him a thumbs up. I knew once I had that floatie - I would be ok. I was now just fine. I think... but maybe not... not sure. Still not a good place to be out there. The Kayaker moves in finally and tells me to hold on while he maneuvers over to another kayaker that had been tossed over by the wind and swells. It seemed like forever just holding on and pushing against the elements to get to the other kayaker in the water. The guy that rescued me asks if I can pull myself into his kayak, I pull and pull and maneuver and keep trying. I am again embarrassed because I know I can do this. I can't figure out why I can't pull my own self up in his kayak. It sucks!
We finally get to the other guy in the water and he is hanging onto his kayak for dear life. He also can't pull himself back in and is exhausted from all that paddling against the wind. My rescuer tells me to hang onto this man's kayak with him and see if we can assist each other back in while he paddles back out to help more swimmer, lifeguards and kayakers struggling in the water. It's all we can do to hang onto each other across the Kayak and help keep each other up. My arm strength is spent from all that paddling, swimming and trying to pull myself up for that long. My husband kayaks over in his 2 seater vessel and says, "Michelle I need your help. Climb into my kayak. I need help paddling. My arms are exhausted and I could use your help." I consider it and try to maneuver myself. I can't. I just can't I think about those swimmers and how badly they need our support out there. "I can't Bill, I am spent." I feel absolutely guilty and awful that I am useless in the water.
I continue to hang onto the other Kayaker's arm. and hope and Pray for my husband that he can do his job and not worry about me. I am scared more than I have ever been for all those swimmers. I see kayakers all over getting ssed out of their boats. I asked the guy (Ken) if he would mind if I prayed. "please do..." "Dear God, we, are scared. Please help those swimmers out there. and also us and the other swim support - please bless us all with safety on this crazy water. In Jesus name, amen." "amen." we decided to let the wind push us back to land while hanging onto each other. It's a long way back and we are both in the cold water for quite a while. Ken starts heaving over onto my side of the kayak. His puke landing next to me in the water. At first I am a little grossed out and then I laugh at the odd humor of it all. I had been hoping to be hanging out in my swimsuit and relaxing on my board by now. Instead I have Ken's puke drifting around me in the water as we cling to each other for dear life. I am actually laughing and telling Ken "let it out my friend" in a manner much like the character in Mystery Men - the invisible boy would have said. I think I'm funny.
After quite sometime hanging onto each other I finally feel like I have some strength returning to me and I pull myself into the kayak. But the wind starts tossing me and using my body like a sail. So I drop back into the water realizing that we are safer if I stay low and out of the wind. Ken is just trying not to puke again.
I'm not sure how much time passed before Ken and I drift into shore. I see several big boats and loads of kayaks and paddleboards all lining the beach.
We were not the only ones tossed. I am no longer embarrassed. I head to the sheriff's trailer to get warmed up and out of my cold clothes. Other boaters and kayakers are there sharing their stories. All of us are looking at the water and nervous about those swimmers. We realize that the majority of swim support is no longer on the water.
This means that those 1700 swimmer (give or take) covering 2 miles of a tough swim only have a few kayaks a few jet skis and a few boats. It's not good and there is NOTHING those of us on shore can do. So we had a prayer. There was a group of us in the trailer that decided to say a prayer that there would be no loss of life - a real possibility in these conditions. We asked God to watch over the swimmers for us since we no longer could.
There were tears shed by several swim support volunteers whose hearts were still on the water. (I'll admit - I was one of the tear shedders).
I looked around the crowd of stranded swim support and we started sharing stories.
The air was filled with the sound of Kayakers and lifeguards blowing their whistles calling over help. NEVER have heard that many emergency whistles being blown. Kayaks were being swamped by swimmers that were panicking. One kayaker said her vessel had 10 swimmers hanging onto it and she couldn't even paddle. She was blowing her whistle over and over to try and get help when one swimmer panicked and tried to jump in her kayak with her - capsizing the boat and endangering everyone's lives.
More similar stories are shared. We are hanging out by the south beach ramp and boats are bringing swimmers in by the dozens. I have never witnessed anything like this before. The swimmers are waiting to get on buses to take them back to the transition. I see the woman that held onto my craft at the start. I go over and hug her. She gives me a big smile "I guess I wasn't ready for this after all." I point to the crowd and say "me too!" we laugh a little together. Then I overhear some athletes say "THEY SHOULD CANCEL THIS! THIS IS AWFUL! NO ONE CAN SWIM IN THIS!" He's angry and yelling. So many athletes are being hauled away in buses - This has never happened. 400 athletes are pulled from the water - some of their own choice and some had no choice but were asked to get out. Some are angry, some are grateful. Some are just too exhausted to feel anything for now.
So many different emotions from all the athletes. again the words of the announcer at the start come to mind. "remember the only thing you have any control over today is your attitude." So true.
I look for my husband among the standed paddlers, I can't find him anywhere. I see really experienced kayakers that have been tumbled to shore. But I don't see Bill anywhere or his kayak. I realize my husband is one of a handful of kayaks left on the water. I know his physical strength and his determined spirit is keeping him out there - not letting the wind beat him.
I am embarrassed that I couldn't do what I said I could do. I am dissappointed in myself for not doing what I said I would do. and I feel like I let people down that were counting on me to do what I said I could do.
I wonder if this is a little of what a Disqualified Ironman athlete feels?
I see 3 paddlers coming in - Walt a Professional boater/kayaker, Mike Caifa the leader of the whole Kayak support crew and amazing kayaking professional with loads of exeprience on the water, and then I see Bill. I run to him and hug and kiss him. I am impressed. Out of 60 kayakers and paddlers I saw only 3 return safely to shore in their kayak after the race was over. I have no idea if there were more out there til the end. But this was all I saw return back having been able to accomplish the entire swim portion of the race as swim support.
We just had our own version of an Ironman.
1700 swimmers hit the water, 400 were pulled and 1300 made it around and swam the entire 2 miles in rough water. wow!
So the question: Why didn't they cancel the swim portion of the Ironman?
My personal view:
You just don't do that. This is the freaking Ironman. Many of these athletes have travelled the globe to test their skill. Many are used to swimming in the ocean and have trained in more difficult situations than what we desert dwellers witnessed. 1300 swimmers made it. What do you tell those 1300 people that accomplished this. Plus - how do you just cancel? The weather was great when we started. the swimmers are in the water and the support is having more difficulty than the swimmers are. if you cancel the swim - you still have swimmers out there with very little support and they all have to make it back. If they can swim it- they should swim it! 1300 swimmers are glad the swim was not canceled.
Would I do it again? Absolutely! But next time I will wear my life vest. I also plan on swimming more this year and practicing pulling myself up in the water.
I hate swimming. I guess I need to learn to love it if I am going to be able to do the job I signed up for. right?
after the swim....
Bill and I went home and took a LOOOOOONG nap. Then we prepped for a night at running aid station number one - next to the finish line. we gathered up the kids, packed some food, blankets and water and headed out the door for our final round of Ironman volunteering. I've never done this with all 5 of my kids. We are signed up for 6-midnight. Let's see if this works.
Awesome. I love the excitement! I see familiar faces from the water and found out that the Ironman officials allowed the hundreds pulled from the water to continue the race without their race chips. They will be able to cross the finish line but will not qualify for any awards. I thought that was cool.
LOL! I love that he was inspired by these athletes to want to cross a finish line. So we start again. I grab his hand and we run alongside another Ironman athlete that laughs as he says "I just got beat by a kid and his mom" he was smiling, we were smiling. We ran as close as we could to the finish line before we swerved off to the side and went to the stands to watch the other runners come in. It was awesome! All that cheering, all that emotion, all that relief and sweat and tears and laughter. Man, I love this stuff. I think I am a junkie.
Ferrell says "MOM, IT'S TOO LOUD! LET'S GO BACK!"
:)
Throughout the run portion I have people telling me "Hi - wow, your everywhere." Bill comes up to me and and says he almost gave a woman a pat on the butt til he realized it wasn't me. People all over the place I have never met are saying HI like I should know them. apparently there is another 30 something woman out there with bleached blonde hair and a pink faux hawk, wearing silver earrings, no make-up, and athletic build. her name is Jamie. we find each other. I have a new facebook Buddy. I recognize her from the running circuit as a woman that has kicked my butt in another race at some point. and I remember thinking I liked her hair. But it wasn't pink then.
Another friend running the Ironman stops by the aid station for some chicken broth and coke or something - Ben Ford. We start talking about the swim portion. He wonders what the big deal was. he was just fine. Sure it was tough but not that bad and he did just fine and finished strong in the water.
Another runner comes by -I don't know him but he recognizes me from swim support and thanks me for being on the water that morning. I walk with him a little way and we talk about the craziness of the water. He tells me someone died. I feel sick to my stomache. I am not surprised if that happened but I am angry that I couldn't have stopped that. I tell my husband and he calls Mike Caifa and verifies that that was actually just a rumor. All the athletes were accounted for. some were missing for a while - just didn't check in when pulled from the water. But they tracked everyone down and there were No lives lost on the water. I count it as a miracle and the sickness in my stomache goes away. I wish I could run after the other athlete and tell him. But He is long gone by then.
My 14 year old son is all smiles as he works next to a cute girl handing out water.
My buddies show up with DRUMS! YAY! African drumming starts going and I can't sit still. the party get started again. The sun is down, the air is cooling and runners are exhausted. then they hear the drum the Sanderson's brought and they start dancing past our aid station. I dance with a few of them. It's a party again.
11:30 - the last runner goes by but they have another 3 miles to go to the finish. we are done. I have kids asleep on the ground with pillows and blankets.
We get home after midnight. What an amazing party. I may not be one of the elite athletes doing the race. But I most certainly enjoyed the day and am physically and emotionally exhausted when it it all over. Today (Sunday) the day after - I can hardly talk and my elbow and legs are very sore. But I am inspired, excited and motivated by the skill and determination I saw during Ironman. What a day!
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