A story...

Once upon a time there was a young maiden and a handsome knight. The maiden loved to dance, and run and play with her friends. One day she fell in love deeper than she could ever have imagined. She had loved before but never like this. She spent her days with this wonderful knight in shining armor and left her friends and dancing and running days behind her. The 2 were married and lived in a humble cottage that seemed like a castle to her. In her world all that mattered was that the 2 of them were together. Nothing else mattered, she had her knight in shining armor she had dreamed of and nothing would change her feeling for him. He worked and she worked and they returned to each other’s arms at the end of the day. It was heaven. Then the maiden’s life changed. A child was born, she quit her work and stayed home with her baby. She loved her baby as much as she loved her knight. But life changed. The maiden and the knight decided together that her job was to be home with their child teaching and raising their kids while the knight’s job was to be out in the world – slaying dragons and providing the family with their needs. More children came to the maiden and the knight. And difficult times began to arise in their dream land.
The years went by…
Although the maiden had agreed to be home with the children, she missed her days of dancing and running and she missed her friends. The handsome knight couldn’t understand. After all, she had him. Wasn’t that enough? It was for a while, but for some reason the maiden now saw she was missing who she once was and longed for her old friendships and hobbies she loved before she met her handsome knight. The maiden also learned that caring for the children sometimes was a really difficult job. She would burst into tears some days as she cleaned filth she never had envisioned in her future life as a mother and wife. The handsome knight tried to understand but he was away most of the day and only longed to be held by the maiden who was now tired and spent from comforting, feeding and cleaning their children. He had no idea she had been crying while he was away at work. The maiden found her old friends, other maidens that had married their princes and knights and they found out they were very much the same. Many maidens were holding back tears from the love of their life. Many were hiding the sorrow they felt at not living the dream life they pictured they would have. Some beautiful maidens now suffered from something even darker; a dragon had entered their homes secretly and quietly and lived invisibly in their homes, this breed of dragon was called depression. As the maidens found time to spend together, they found that this breed of dragon was more common than the common mouse. It lived quietly and secretly in more homes than most husbands were aware. The maiden and some of her friends sought for ways to fight this evil breed of dragon. Some found that they needed to bring back old hobbies, some found they needed to just have a good friend. Some found they needed to develop their talents of dancing and singing once again. The maidens that turned to each other found they could often times defeat the dragon called depression. But some maidens could not.
The young maiden of our story was able to fend off her dragon and even rid her home entirely of this dragon for a season. She found she loved getting other maidens together to reminisce good times captured in photography and assisted them in making their pictures into priceless treasures. This brought her great joy and she was at peace once again as she pursued her love of life with her friends. She was better able to be a mother and the lovely maiden her knight hoped she could be and she too hoped she could be. The maiden learned how to trust her knight and in his ability to care for her and their children.
The knight and the maiden I would like to say, lived happily ever after. But years went by. And as things often do for most people, they also did for this beautiful pair, life changed once again. The years of going off to work and slaying dragons ended for the knight suddenly one day. A terribly mighty dragon that no-one had seen coming flew into a castle in a city far away and destroyed the work the knight had. In a day, his ability to care for his family was ruined. The maiden was expecting their 3rd child and was already worried about her ability to care for another baby when she was still trying to get used to her 2 wild boys. And now her knight was not able to go out and provide for them? More dragons entered their home: resentment, anger, and depression came back as well. These were mean ugly dragons that tried desperately to destroy the love the maiden and the knight had for each other. The dark forces sent the meanest ugliest dragons possible to destroy love and hope. The knight did everything he could think of to try and take care of his young family, but some days he could not do enough. Food became scarce at times as work was difficult to find. The young couple would take time to discuss what they needed to do and ended up angry at each other. He couldn’t provide like she had hoped and she wasn’t saving them money in ways he had hoped.
The dragon of resentment grew stronger and stronger. One day the maiden found herself reflecting on the way her life had changed. What had happened to the young girl who stayed out til 3 or 4 in the morning dancing with her friends? What happened to the lovely girl that ran and exercised and took care of herself. She looked in the mirror and saw a sad matronly looking woman she didn’t recognize as the maiden she used to see in the mirror. She was sad and lonely and resented her knight for not taking care of her like he promised. She thought of the princes that had courted her and wondered if life would have been different had she chosen one of them. She got into her carriage one day and started to drive away from her home. The maiden was unaware of the dragon that was pulling the carriage. She thought it was her hopes and dreams moving her vehicle when indeed it was a dragon called resentment. As she drove away, she thought of the destroyed floors in her castle that her children had desecrated. She thought of the long nights with crying kids and scribbled on walls. And she thought of the knight that came home exhausted and impatient with her with barely enough money and sometimes none at all to buy needed provisions. She wanted to leave it all and seek out one of those princes. The ones that had all the money and bigger castles. She thought about the what-ifs and continued her drive. Suddenly she stopped and began to cry large tears as she realized that an evil dragon was pulling her carriage, not her hopes and dreams, but a viscous, angry beast bent on destruction was pulling her away from her family. She stopped and cried and opened her heart to the heavens. There was a long conversation she had with the one that would listen to her no matter where she was. She looked to be alone, but she knew she was not and she continued her crying and pleading that she needed to have to defeat this demon dragon.
She drove her carriage home. This time fueled by hopes and dreams even though she was returning to what she had viewed as her nightmare: a home with messy loud children that disobeyed her, an empty fridge and empty wallet and a tired overworked and underpaid knight that could never fully understand why she was so angry at him. In fact she couldn’t fully understand it either.
She returned home. No one was aware of her intentions she had earlier of leaving. No one knew, not her knight, not her kids, not her best friends or the leaders of her church. No one knew her pain that day.
But she was resolute that she would change things. The maiden could not change her handsome knight’s ability to find work. She could not change her Children’s behavior, she could not change the past. And she knew that if she sought for something different as far as her choice of husband and family was concerned, she would only find a greater meaner dragon of suffering called “regret” should she leave what she had.
No, instead the maiden had to learn how to become some sort of knight. A maiden warrior as well. She had to learn to fight for herself. She began to learn more about her talents that the heavens had bestowed on her to develop and share. She learned more about the love her handsome knight needed to be what she hoped he could be one day. She learned that there was no fantasy story she could live in and that her hope for that kind of life would only bring the dragon of resentment back into her home.
She also learned that to become a warrior maiden took something she had no idea she had: strength, determination and a fierce drive to do what the heavens hoped for her.
The maiden found herself on her knees asking the heavens to give her gifts she needed to fight dragons she never knew existed when she was a child. Her days of running in the mountains free of worries and dragons were over. They would never return. Her life was something different now. It was a time of fighting for her life and her family’s. And yet in the fight she found something else, she was stronger than she knew she was. She found amazing joy in her children now that she had not felt before when wasn’t a warrior. As a new warrior maiden life was more full, amazing and beautiful. She saw the dragons, she knew what they were capable of doing to her if she forgot her strength and power the heavens had given her. She learned to appreciate and love her knight more as they became warriors together. The dragon of resentment lost his power as she became something new, strong and wonderful. Her knight became more powerful too. His strength increased as his love for her increased. He watched her develop into a beautiful and powerful woman that could stand by his side. She was no longer standing behind him watching him fight powerful demons alone and fearful, she was next to him as was her rightful place. And their love for each other grew more each day. The joy in their hearts increased as they learned of the power they had always been given from the Heavens that could only happen when they learned how to stand next to each other instead of behind one another. It was a powerful kind of force never witnessed before by either of them. As this power grew, the young maiden was more able to see her life as something new and wonderful.
One day the maiden stood in the middle of her home watching her rambunctious noisy kids jump on the furniture and yelling nonsensical words at each other. There they were – the same kind of creatures that years before sent her into tears with their messes and noise. But now she could stand and laugh with them. These amazing creatures brought her joy… something she had not seen in them years before. She stood by her husband and wonderful amazing knight in shining armor and she laughed out loud with him as she looked at her house with the drawings on the wall and the stained carpets and the messed up hair on her kids. It wasn’t the picture she had in her mind as an 18 year old innocent maiden before she had met seriously mean dragons. It was better! She was different, she had learned and she knew where she was meant to go from here.
I would like to say “and they lived Happily ever after…” but the truth is, they are still going forward fighting the dragons that never seem to go completely away. It seems each day brings a new kind of dragon. The dark force continually sends out other Dragons the 2 of them have to learn to fight together. And the maiden learned that many Princes she once thought she could have been with to protect her with their wealth had crumbled under the crushing blows of a variety of dragons she and her knight were fighting together. She was so happy to be with her handsome, strong and determined knight. That although the heavens had not blessed them with gold and precious gems, her knight had been given other gifts of strength needed for a true warrior. And she was glad to by his side – the love of her life…

working on some issues...

A few weeks ago I saw someone that I haven't spoken to in almost a year. The reunion was more awkward than I could have imagined as she walked away from me without even saying Hello. I was not prepared for it.

It had me wondering if I should reach out again after all this time and try and re-establish contact, or if I should let the old relationship die and forget about what once was.
Years ago I had considered her one of my dearest friend. We used to do a lot of things together and we spoke almost daily. We had shared hotel rooms, worked out together and celebrated achievements together. We had laughed until we cried together. And we had shared heartaches and private moments.

So why in the world would I let a "friend" like this go?
What in the world could I have done to have made her walk away in disgust when she saw me again after all this time?
I will admit it hurt to see that I was not even on a level that she could even bring herself to say hi when I waved as I walked by.

Here's how the story began...
About a year ago, I was making some BIG professional career and life altering decisions about where to spend time. Unfortunately some of those decisions affected her negatively. On top of that I was dealing with personal conflicts within me, feeling inadequate as I determined my new path in life was to be much more of an ambitious undertaking than anything I had ever done before. I became more and more aware of the people who gave me positive energy. I wanted to surround myself with people that made me feel like I could do ANYTHING.
Those that were sucking my energy and pulling me down were no longer welcome in my world and I was much more sensitive to their negativity.
I suddenly became very aware of those harsh comments, lack of support, times when I was let down in times of need and times when public comments about my flaws were made by her. Those things were no longer acceptable to me even though I had allowed it for so many many years. I was done! and I said so. She wasn't the only one - I told a couple of people in my life that I was done being around them because I felt like CRAP when they were near. I told her that the things she did and said about me were not acceptable and I needed to let her go from my life.
I wished no ill-well. In fact I hoped for success in her endeavors whatever they were.
The thing that was so difficult to me was that I had NEVER said those word to anyone before. Letting go of a relationship that had lasted about 8 years was more difficult than I thought it would be. I sent letters occasionally to see how things were going, to check on family's health and to make sure she understood why I was hurt so badly and why I made that decision. To tell you the truth I was kind of hoping for some kind of response, apology, explanation, or just tell me how upset she was about what I said to her - anything that would say she cared about what we once had.

There was never a response, no apology, no attempt to make things right - nothing.

The more I tried to reach out to her, the more lonely I felt. I wondered if I had been too mean. Could a friend ever forgive someone for saying the things I said? I wondered if the roles were reversed could I forgive me? I don't know... I knew I hurt her, and I had no idea if she could forgive me.

It's been nearly a year... I wonder... was there EVER a friendship? After running into her and having that awkward moment between us I began asking myself more and more, "what is a friend?"

Over the past year or so the answer to this question has surprised me. I am no longer in high school where friends seemed easier to come by. My friends in High School were people I cheered with, or sat next to in the stands at a Football game or laughed with in class. But today, a friend is so much different than that.
I discovered something I never expected - that a friend is often the person you least expect to be your friend. it's not necessarily the person you have everything in common with. It's not necessarily the person who has kids the same ages as yours. and sometimes your acquaintances that are there for you in a serious time of need are your best friends in disguise.

I posted this question about friendship on facebook and received a lot of great answers that I believe to be true.
"friends lift you up"
"friends can see you again after a length of time and you can pick up where you left off"
"if you love some thing or someone - let them go, if they return they were meant to be - if not, it was never meant to be."
"a friend can even be the person you just get an occasional 'hello' from in the halls"
"a friend supports you in the important things"

I reflected on these answers and realized that in reference to the person I said good by to earlier in this blog, that I had made the right decision.
I can let go now for good. I can breathe as these answers fill the questioning part of my mind that feels the need to hold onto things so much time was invested in.

There are so many different levels of friends and anyone can fill the need for a friend at some given point in time.

I do not consider myself as someone surrounded with a clique of friends that do everything together. I have often felt left out as I sought after those kinds of friendships. So, I reflected on the kinds of friends I do have and the kinds of relationships I choose to nourish and keep alive:

- I have the "hi" friends. these are the ones you see on a regular occasion (at church, at the school as you drop off kids, etc...) there are good for that warm hello and a smile just to brighten the mood and they fill a very important place in our lives.

- I have the Internet friends. I used to make fun of people who considered internet relationships real. now I understand them. It is wonderful to be able to talk to online friend in message board and social networking sights. in fact there are some people who would never hang out with me in public that I consider some of my best friends in the virtual world and I so need that friendship at times. But I still won't do mafia wars or Yo-ville with you people...


- there are the long-lost friends. These are those you truly miss that you once did stuff with. perhaps old high school or college buddies. and for whatever reason, you are now distant. but they are still friends and if you ran into them in a store somewhere you would give a big hearty Hello to and maybe even a hug and kiss on the cheek. You miss them, but understand that time and distance sometimes are a factor in keeping those relationships active (you may have moved them into the internet friend spot to keep it alive). you could possibly pick right back up where you left off.

- There is the Acquaintance friend - you may know each other from work or mutual friends, you don't necessarily consider yourselves "tight". But when push comes to shove they would reach out - trust me. I have found many of my acquaintances are much more than what they appear to be.

- there is the "talking to" friend - the friend you NEED! this is the kind of friend you can call or go over to their home during a rough patch and cry on their shoulder or talk about family problems and know they love you and will not judge you no matter what. everyone needs one of these.

- there is the Play friend - the friend that you go do stuff with. you can call them up and say "hey we are going to go..." and know they are up for it. they are fun buddies.

- there is the unexpected friend. the one that surprises you with love and service without being asked. the one that did your dishes when you miscarried a baby. or took your kids for an hour when you just needed a hot bath and quiet time. Or maybe they brought over a plate of cookies just to be nice. They are a nice surprise in a world full of difficulties.

- there is the spouse. I grin as I consider this and this could be another blog on it's own. But he is the one that you chose to share everything with. sometimes there is sorrow in this relationship with difficulties in learning to live with someone who doesn't do everything you want him to, but because he is someone you chose to be with, you would do anything to keep this friendship strong. you would give anything to make him happy. your greatest source of joy is seeing his joy.


- And there's family. I consider most of my family my friends and strive to make this relationship stronger. When I speak of family I mean my siblings, parents, kids, in laws etc... for the most part, working to make these family relationships into TRUE friends is worth the effort because of the peace of mind it brings over a crowded Holiday dinner table. But is also worth the effort because of the trust relationship it builds as you deal with the most intimate of details of eachother's lives. we are more aware of the faults of family members and therefore more critical with them than almost any of our other "friends". (except maybe our spouse heheheh)

- and finally - our savior Jesus Christ, the Ultimate friend to have. the one that will NEVER fail you. the one I am most grateful for during times of joy and sorrow. the only one that was never too busy, too distant, or too... whatever. he is who HE IS! He is love and charity and patience and peace of mind. He is my source of strength. When I doubt myself or feel powerless, He lifts me up, encourages me, he always is still there when I have let him go,
in fact I could probably replace his name in each of these statements
"friends lift you up"
"friends can see you again after a length of time and you can pick up where you left off"
"if you love some thing or someone - let them go,(except - I should probably not let HIM go) if they return they were meant to be - if not, it was never meant to be.( he has always been there even when I had let him go)"
"a friend can even be the person you just get an occasional 'hello' from in the halls" (his occasional Hello's are in the world around us - sunsets and sunrises, wagging tails of your loyal dog, etc...)
"a friend supports you in the important things" (he has always been there for answers as I ask "what next?")

I am so glad I had this moment to consider my world of great friends and how blessed and full of joy I feel today.
So I mourn the loss of a relationship I discovered was not a friendship and I realize I was deceived by my need for a friend.
I am learning to rejoice in finding my life is TRULY FULL of Friends that lift and encourage and support. Today I feel very very blessed.