Legalized Bullying...

Broadcast Music Incorporated is the legalized Mafia... no really. BMI has been calling and trying to get me to pay the legally due music license fee that all business must pay in order to play certain artists music in their place of business. it's law. SO J-lo, Pibull, Shakira... yeah. I have to pay to play their music even though I bought their music. My business is small and I have been trying to save my money to pay my dues. in the meantime I have done my best to remove BMI represented artists from my playlists. Here is the conversation that I had the other day after already receiving threatening calls... BMI rep (start out in a nice professional tone): I am calling today to find out when you are going to pay the music lisence fee that is legally due. Me: I am so glad you called. I wanted to let you know I have been working on removing BMI represented artists from my playlists. BMI: that's impossible ME: actually it's not. It is hard and time consuming but not impossible. I just type a song into your search engine and then remove it if it pops up as one you represent. BMI (angry voice): there are millions of songs and songwriters that we represent. It is nearly impossible to find music we don't represent. Where are you finding your music? ME: I would rather not give you my resources for my non BMI represented music. and it is not impossible - just tough. But I am doing it. BMI: Send me your current playlist so that I can double check and make sure you are complying. ME: I don't think so. I would rather not send you the list I have worked hard to create only to have BMI turn around and contact those artists and songwriters so they can represent them and then negate all my efforts and time. BMI: I don't have the time to call everyone on your playlist! that's not my job. I just want to double check to make sure you are obeying the law. ME: and then you will take my list to someone else at your office whose job it IS to contact artists they don't represent yet and see if you can represent them as well. BMI: I won't do that. I just need your playlist. That's the only we we can make sure you are obeying the law. ME: I will trust you as much as you trust me. You know what else is against the law - selling crack cocaine. I hope the police trust I am not doing that and don't need to search my home regularly to make sure I am complying with the law that says I should not sell hard drugs. So glad the Local police officers don't use the same method you do to make sure I comply with the law. can you imagine. tell you what, since you are so dedicated to making sure I obey the law, why don't you come over to my home and search it for hard drugs too just to make sure I am not breaking any laws? BMI: (Laughs a little condescending laugh) - that isn't my job Me: You're right and it isn't the local police officers' job either. so I would appreciate it if you would also quit calling me. BMI: Well we WILL be calling you regularly to make sure you are complying until I get that play list. ME: so you are going to Harass a law abiding citizen until they pay their nuisance fee? sounds like the mafia to me. BMI: (think Godfather)Everybody pays ma'am. Me: tell you what... You call me again, I am recording our conversations and letting a lawyer know about the Harassment that is the BMI business method. I hung up. Yesterday I got a call from the BMI Legal department trying to once again scare me into paying a debt that I don't legally owe as I have been finding music they don't represent. I need the word passed around to everyone what BMI is and what their tactics are. My husband - the artist - gets paid ONCE when a business owner buys a painting to hang in any place of business. he doesn't get paid yearly for the business owner to have the RIGHT to allow their clients to view his artwork. My friend Hart Wixom the writer does not get paid when his books that someone legally purchased decides to sell it to a bookstore or donate it to a library. Other places of business do not have to pay other types of artists annual fees to use the items they created. Truth is, these songwriters and musicians should be paying me! When I played their music in my studio my clients ask me "who is this?" I would tell them and they would go out and BUY the music. I should be charging an advertising fee. Alas, no. instead musicians have gotten an act of congress to pad their pockets so small business owner like me can be bullied and hounded by corporations like BMI. I also told BMI that my business was small. I am barely covering my bills and paying my trainers. I sometimes don't even pay myself. It will take some time before I can save the money needed to pay the fee they demand. as one BMI representative said as I explained my plight and my argument: "it would take an act of congress to change things. You and I talking on the phone isn't going to change anything for you. you still need to pay up." That is what angers me - that congress had gotten involved in small business so much. that songwriters thinking they aren't making enough money had to take it up with congress to change things for them. Congress should have never been involved. Now BMI acts as a legalized Mafia with the backing of congress. how do you fight it?

Merry X-MORE

Christians adopted this Christams Holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ - most Christians recognize that the actual birthdate of Jesus Christ was in April. But as a Christian - I too use December 25th as a reason to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I am still trying to figure out how Black Friday Madness and Christmas relate to each other. We do NOT owe it to help the economy to go Christmas shopping for new TV's so Walmart and Target and Ikea can stay in business. They will be just fine without you loading up on stuff you feel you need to buy for everyone on your shopping list this year. Jesus taught that giving to others was important... ok, I got that. SO... I load up on crap no one really needs and spend more money than my mortgage and let my kids learn that they are worth it! RIGHT? Sheesh - get real people! I was talking to one woman a few years ago that was struggling to put food on the table, her husband lost his job and they could hardly make ends meet. Her son's only request for Christmas was some electronic device (ipad or ipod or iwant or something... I can't remember what) that at the time cost roughly $200. This mother was in tears trying to figure out just how she was going to get it for her son who in years past has always gotten the item he asked for. Try this for a change - "no". Our family has been in financial roller coaster mode for many years. we have lean times and we have times of plenty. It has always been like that for the past 10 years. It really really really (did I say really enough?) bothers me when people ask me, "does your family need help for Christmas?" Let me ask you - Are you going to come over and play the piano while we sing Carols? Or do you want to deal the cards during a game of Rook or Phase 10? How about you help in our Christmas by keeping score on the score pad for our games? The best way you could help my family with Christmas this year, stop by and say hello. Leave a card that reminds me year after year of the friendship and love that we have. The best Christmases we have ever had have been small and few with the gifts. For Christmas this year, when you ask me, do you need help with Christmas? The answer is yes... buy less stuff for your own family. teach your kids something about true service and sacrifice. So many Americans feel like if they want something they should be able to just get it. There is no sense of sacrifice and doing without when times are hard. we as Americans need to learn to do that! live without until our parents on Capitol Hill can get their finances under control. quit asking for more when they can't afford it. and we as parents need to quit giving stuff to our kids and encouraging this entitlement cycle that carries on into adulthood! how does this all translate to when they grow up? These kids go occupy wall street and ask for more and more and more. while hard working business owners figure out how to make ends meet paying all the taxes and fees and dues keep a small business up and running while legislation comes down from the parents on capitol hill trying they can pay for these requests from spoiled kids. The Traditional wacky American view on Christmas is one of the biggest reasons we are in trouble in our nation. Parents can't say no to their kids because they want to win their love. Politicians want to win our hearts and votes and they promise to give us whatever we ask for. we grow up as kids feeling like Christmas should be about being able to get the items we want. we make Wish lists for Santa and on Christmas morning - we better have it dammit! As adults we expect our nation to take care of us - we have wish lists of medical bills and special programs that someone else's tax dollars better pay for dammit! Our finances in this nation are a wreck and it comes down to how we individually choose to live. we feel like the government needs to give us a good Christmas - pay our medical bills, pay our mortgages, pay for our food and pay our wages. our government parent is drowning in debt. you spoiled kids need to stop asking for things your mom can't afford for you. Christmas should be about changing your world as Jesus did.All BIG change starts small, it starts in your home. I wonder how much Jesus carried around with him as he went healing the sick, feeding the hungry, comforting the poor in spirit. Make a change to celebrate HIS birth. Instead of asking for more from Washington, tell them that you are independent and can take care of your own needs. Tell your kids they can live without something big and extravagant. teach your kids how to serve and work. try cleaning up a widow's yard for Christmas. or go out and find a service project to celebrate Christmas. The answer to the question "Do you guys need any help this year with Christmas?" the answer I guess is YES I do! Instead of buying your kids and friends and family pretty new shiny things - Buy a goat or a mosquito net for someone in a 3rd world country. I can't get the link to work - copy and paste into your browser: http://www.samaritanspurse.org/GiftCatalog2011/

It's out...

Word has gotten out that my husband and I are losing our home. I want to take a minute to clarify, vent and set things straight. it's been a 3 year old story full of lies and deception. oh ok, so it's not that exciting. But trust me, there is that going on. in the spring of 2004 we bought our home at the height of the real estate market when everything was selling for outrageously high prices. Bill had had a few amazing years with his design business and my Creative Memories business was doing better than ever. we decided that we could afford a bigger home, move Bill's office in to save money on office space rent and move my business larger workshops in to save money on rent fees I was paying Hotels. Buying the big house and paying a larger mortgage made sense. a few year later... business started to struggle. we were paying our bills - barely. But we were scraping by. times were really really hard when the economy started to crash for everyone they cut back on paying designers and so my husband's work was affected. my home party sales began to decline. people just weren't spending $300 on scrapbooking supplies at parties anymore. so my business was affected as well. A friend of Bill's worked for a company that advertised they would do all the dirty work for you to get a loan re-modification and help us reduce our mortgage by more than 1/2. It sounded great! We paid the company a couple thousand dollars and started the process. Our mortgage company said we were not eligible for a re-modification since we paid our mortgage. we would have to miss a few months of payments in order to qualify. so, we missed a few months. suddenly we had a red flag and were able to get the help we needed. around this time the above mentioned company our friend worked for that was going to do all the dirty work for us... yeah... well, they went out of business. The money we paid them was gone and we were now in this struggle with our mortgage company to re-modify our loan. On our first run of submitting the initial paperwork the mortgage company says "great looks like we can try out a trial payment amount of several hundred dollars off on your mortgage. go ahead and start paying the new reduced amount while we go through this re-modification process." YAY - right? To be fair and honest, Bill and I are not the most organized people on the planet. Neither one of us is excellent at paperwork. And since we both work for ourselves - paperwork... well... ugh... it's not our strong point. We received the list of all the items the mortgage company needed from us and we began the arduous task of compiling everything, catching up on past months of income and expense reports, finding things we had misfiled (or never filed). It was not fun. faxing in documents... waiting... we get the response from the mortgage company :"there was a missing item we need you to start over." Starting over means that you cannot just resend the same stuff. the last three months have shifted, they want new signature dates on the bottom of documents, they want all new and shiny papers. faxing.... waiting... we get the response: " you were a day late - start over." we start over. faxing... waiting.... we get a response " we are missing a new item they needed that wasn't on the list - start over..." 3 years later... of pure hell with them dragging it out. Every time we have to redo paperwork we have to take time out of work to get it done, or we are up late and tired the next day or we are yelling at each other over dinner. Like I said - not a fun time. It costs us time and money to re-submit everything over and over. it costs us aggravation and stress in our relationship. It is tears wondering if we are going to be able to live in the same house or not. we were wondering and had it drag on for a LOOOOONG time. End of July 2011 - we get a notice on our door that our home is going up for auction August 18th. Bill calls and tries to sort things out and they give us one last chance to "get it right". They give us a date when all the paperwork needs to be in. we take time off work. we lost money and clients. But we dotted every "i" and crossed every "T" and checked and triple checked our work to make sure we did everything they asked and didn't forget a single "yes maam" or signature or period or comma. I mean seriously it toodk days to pull the final chance to get it right for them. Faxed it in a day early - WHEW! YAY! we should be good. everything was just as it was supposed to be. we beat the deadline and we did it all right! YAY! we went out to celebrate that it would be over and we would be ok. waiting... guess what...? NOPE! Sorry! They decided to reject us! Not based on the information provided. technically we should qualify for a re-modification. Guess why they rejected us in the end? no really guess.... BECAUSE THEY TOLD US THE WRONG DATE TO SUBMIT OUR PAPERWORK! We had a couple of days before our home was going up for auction and we were out of ideas. So we went to a lawyer - Nathan Reeves - great guy if you need someone by the way. he gave us a couple of ideas 1 - we could walk away and just let them take the house and pack super fast 2 - we could fight the mortgage company - pay for a restraining order plus legal fees and battle the empire for an expensive drawn out battle we aren't guaranteed to win. it could cost us 10's of thousands of dollars in the end. and we still might lose the home 3 - we could file bankruptcy and buy us some time. we decided to buy us some time. So we have a few months left in our home and then we either walk away or the mortgage company comes back and decides to work with us. I recently found out that the stimulus act pays mortgage companies for foreclosures. Now that is stimulating! I am so stimulated I could punch someone. I am about as stimulated as a bull in shoot getting a shot of stimulus before being let out of that shoot with its rider. I used to be embarrass by the idea that we could lose our home. I am beyond that. I am angry. I would be embarrassed if we had not been able to pay the agreed upon amount for our mortgage. BUT we were paying the amount the mortgage company told us to pay. Here is the other "FUNNY" thing: we currently owe more on our house NOW then we did when we first bought it almost 8 years ago. with interest and fees the mortgage company decided to tack onto our bill for neglect to pay... yeah right.... we now over 280,000 when we purchased it for 270,000 it's only worth about 120,000 in the current market. so, I am ready to be done. I am ready to walk away from this mess. screw em! I'm done. how dare they? The really really sad story? numerous neighbors have had almost identical stories. some have walked away, some have fought and won, some have been kicked out. We ren't the only ones. It is the new AMERICAN story. and it sucks! we are currently packing and downsizing. I figure if we need to leave the home I planned on living in forever, we may as well get something substantially smaller now that our needs have changed. Bill has his studio for work and it is better for him. I have changed my business focus completely and no longer work at home. we've also been using nearly just half the house and have been renting the basement out. so, yeah. downsizing just makes sense right now. needless to say - we are in the market for a new place to live. If you know of a 3 bedroom home that allows a dog and is in the Hurricane Valley for about $600-$700/month (give or take) - let me know. k - thanks. I do not feel sad. I feel good about the idea of moving on. in fact, I'm not so sure I want to work with the bank again if they come back and say they will work with us. I want out of this mess and I want to go on with my life. and that is the story of why the Ennis family is "losing" their home when their current businesses are thriving and they are paying their bills. it makes no sense. but it is what it is.

Happy birthday to me! - oh and Ferrell too...

Today I turn 38 years old. Tomorrow my youngest kid turns 4. I was just reflecting on things I love about birthdays. I once had a friend that cried and cried on her 30th birthday because she feared aging. I celebrate. I celebrate another year of Life granted to me. I celebrate life experiences. I celebrate being an older business woman that gets looked at differently than a 25 year old business woman. I remember being told by a client when I was 25 that I would not be able to understand her plight and that I could not possibly know what I was talking about since I was soooo young. So thanks goodness to be getting nearer and nearer to 80 when maybe just maybe I can get some respect. LOL! (yeah, right. - I think that ideas went away with the purple hair). 4 years ago I was over 200 pounds pregnant with my youngest baby and crying to just be able to go into labor for my birthday. I prayed and prayed to God that this child in me would come soon. I was overdue to deliver, broke, and tired. for my birthday that year all I wanted and all we could barely afford was an ultrasound to see if all was well with this baby inside me. all the technician said was 'wow. I'm not supposed to say much. but I can say this... it looks like a big kid. and if you want to know the gender, I can't tell. the baby is ready, head down and looks to be big," at midnight on my birthday I went into labor. Best birthday present ever! Ferrell was born the next morning. It was a monstrous 11 pound baby boy. I had a great midwife and delivered in my own bedroom on the floor. A huge thank you to Lori Wrankle for keeping me safe, and for moving me how I needed to move to get that big guy out without any cutting needed. I adore you! SO today - we are celebrating our combined birthdays. I love the peace and solitude of LDS General conference weekend on my birthday. what a treasure I have to hear the prophet of God and the apostles. I also love that the St. George Marathon is also on my birthday weekend and I get to be inspired by amazing people that don't let the world tell them they can't do something. I love how my life has changed these past 4 years. the greatest gift I have today - change. Change is an amazing amazing thing to embrace and cherish. I have found new friends over the past few years that have taught me never to say never. I have a new body that has taught me that I am stronger than I thought. I have a new attitude that has taught me that joy is better than perfection. I have a new perspective on my marriage that has taught me that my life with my companion is better and happier and more amazing than a life without him. I have a new business that has taught me anything is possible and people are amazing! Today I am 38. Ferrell is 4 tomorrow. I am happier, healthier and feel more capable than I have ever been in my entire life. now where's that cake? by the way - never name a kid after something wild and untamed.

my soapbox for the day...

hero worship is a dangerous thing. By that, I mean putting anyone here on this earth in a place of higher importance than yourself. Celebrities, political leaders, religious leaders, business icons... etc.... they are all human. Only God deserves that place of worship. I have seen it at conventions for network marketing companies - someone has made a financial success of themselves and suddenly they are surrounded with admirers that think so highly of them and want to take photos with them and put them on this weird pedestal of creating an idol of that individual. Celebrities that have been in a few successful movies are suddenly worshipped for their ability to act and become our role models? Religious leaders are held on a pedestal and expected to be perfect and flawless? Business leaders become experts on everything? in Business - I remember talking with someone at one of these business conventions that many had placed on this crazy pedestal and she gave me some great advice. I was what was called a "unit Leader" in a company called Creative Memories and was attending a National Convention where all those amazing leaders are recognized on stage and guest speakers and performers come and there is all this great hype to get you excited to drive forward in your business. During a lunch break at one of these conventions I challenged myself to find a table with someone I respected or looked like they were a success and join their table. So I found this woman, Vicki Morgan, she was one of those women that was at the very forefront of the company's growth. She was making more money in a month than I did in a year combined with my husband. She was someone I wanted to pick her brain and get all the secrets from. I learned one amazing secret - she was a human being just like me. I was so nervous to talk to her and stumbled over my questions to her. She sensed my weird nervousness and told me that she was no different than me, just older and had been working hard at it longer than me. and she cautioned me about idolizing anyone. she said" when you put someone else on a pedestal, you are putting yourself below them as if you cannot do what they have done." That has always stayed with me. in religion - I had an experience with a Bishop in my church back when I was 21 yrs old that I felt made a wrong decision that directly affected me. I was so thrown by what I believed to be his bad call that I let it affect my belief that God wanted him as a bishop for that ward. It effected me so greatly at the time that I considered leaving the church I knew to be true. Later I came to the realization that although called of God - these men of God are also just men doing their best and my job was to handle my grievances better than I did then. To put them on a pedestal of someone incapable of mistakes is to allow yourself to be thrown completely for a loop when something isn't as you think it should be. in life - I have often admired experts - especially female leaders: Oprah Winfrey, Tosca Reno, Suzie Orman and Jillian Micheals. I admire their drive, leadership, business sense, expertise in their fields, etc... and for a while I made a mistake of holding them up on a pedestal. BUT ALL of these women are missing something ciritcal that I have - a family with a devoted husband and children. so... are these the women I want as my idols in life? no.... I can respect them for the work they do. but to put them on a pedestal above me is to believe that I am lower than any of them. we are equals. although I am not on TV or in books (yet), I have had a different life I have chosen. That also does not make me better. just different. in social life - What about your neighbor with the perfect family? You have no idea what they struggle with. To hold that other mom up on a pedestal is to say that she is better than you. She isn't. I admire a certain blogger/friend of mine that has this amazing ability to create beautiful art, crafts, and delicious dinners. She has a great talent at home decor, she always dresses amazing and her make-up is always perfect. She and I are different. while she spends time on those things, I spend time on other areas of life. I am not better than her or she better than me. To believe she is better than me is to believe that my talents are less important. live up to the talents God gave you, never to feel like they are less than anyone else. Hold your head up and look at everyone in the eye as an equal. recognize that everyone is capable of mistakes, sorrows, and struggles no matter the outward appearance. Go ahead and respect others for what they have accomplished, learn from them, but never ever ever think they are better than you, perfect or flawless. recognize all mankind has imperfections. for some reason all my celebrity "idols" can't keep a family relationship or marriage together. The playing field is level. God created us all as his children. I have the same ability to return to his arms as you or anyone else. It is an amazing thing. and for some reason, I have to constantly remind myself of this. Your feelings of self worth directly affect your ability to accomplish your goals in life. and your feelings of self worth are directly affected by whether or not you compare your talents and abilities to everyone else around you. You are just as capable as the next person. even if you haven't accomplished what you hope to just yet, You are CAPABLE AND WORTHY OF IT! Just my soapbox for the day. thanks for letting me get my thoughts out of my head.

So, why purple?

First of all - it wasn't the PLAN. I went to my friend Brandi's house to get my hair cut by our friend Alisha. I was planning on some streaks of color to a BLONDE head. But Brandi says "Alisha has always wanted to do someone's hair purple. I told her to ask you." "ehhh,,, sure why not...?" So, Alisha squealed in delight clapped her hands in joy, and not much later I had purple and pink hair. I didn't do it for the shock value, but that has been fun I have to admit. I went to church the next day and tried really hard to pretend I didn't notice the looks of alarm, amusements, and yes... jealousy. Brandi was hilarious - she gave me the full report of all the people in church and their reactions to my hair when I walked in. To be honest, I was too busy trying to settle my kids in and getting reverent to notice. The fun part was the comments of people coming up to me or trying to avoid me :) "oooohh, I JUST LOVE your hair. It is SOOO pretty" Guess who that was from? I heard it from Teenagers a lot and a few little nursery age girls that could talk and loved Pink and Purple. but I also heard it from a grown woman - and a grandma! I adore that woman, but not sure if she wants the world to know she loves purple hair. :) she can comment later and tell the world if she chooses. I also got a couple of looks of disdain and "it looks like you went to a Halloween party too early." :) that was fine by me. totally OK with it in fact. OK.... so why purple? why am I OK with it? aren't I being a poor example to my children that can't go to school with wild hair colors? aren't I being a bad example to teenage girls that are told they are not allowed to dye their hair? I have given all this a lot of thought. First of all - I am 38 and live in my own house and own my own business and am an adult. when I lived with my mom - it was her house her rules. when I worked in a Bank - It was conservative look all the time. Next - It's not a tattoo. Hair grows out and can be changed all the time. If I don't like it, I can grab a box of hair day or wait a few months and change it again. AND - This is one way I choose to let loose. Let's be honest here, I am a little rebellious at heart. I am also a Mormon. I believe in the Book of Mormon and a modern day prophet and all that jazz. I choose to follow the guidelines set out to us from our prophets. I don't drink, do drugs,smoke. I don't even drink Coffee or Tea. I go to Church on Sunday every week even when the Lake sounds like more fun. I stayed away from tattoos and extra piercings to keep my body unspotted from permanent alterations. I try to dress modestly when I am not Working out at a fitness class or at the Lake. I live the life of a good conservative Mormon Mom. BUT - Inside... I am a little punk. I am outrageous. One of my clients was shocked to find out I was a church going, temple attending Mormon. Her words "when I met you, I knew you were a person I could party with. You would be a person I could be myself around and not worry about judgment. I was surprised that you go to church. I don't go because I don't like the way people judge me or look at me funny." I laughed and said "you don't think people at church judge me do you? I go every week, not because I am there for them. I believe what I believe and I go because I believe it is right. You should see the looks I get every time I do something drastic to my hair. talk about funny looks. But I am there for me, my growth, not them." :) For all those teenagers that have said to me " I wish my mom would let me dye my hair purple or blue or pink, or black... - first YOU LIVE IN THEIR HOUSE - IT IS THEIR RULES! I never dyed my hair til I had moved out and was 21. soooo.... listen to your parents. My own daughter isn't allowed to dye her hair crazy colors either. why? because I am just a little hypocritical, she's 9 and she goes to a school where it against the rules. so there! however she might be getting a natural looking hair color for her birthday. Next week I might have black hair. that's whats so awesome about hair - it's fun and it's easy to change according to my mood.

Still Crazy after all these years...

15 years ago Bill and I were married in my parent's backyard. one year later we were sealed for time and all eternity in a "Mormon" temple.

Love changes... people change... Bill and I are NOT the same kids that said "I do" 15 years ago. We've fought, we've cried, we've loved, we've laughed. There were times when a long walk alone was a necessity to make it through. I have wondered if we could make it.

Today... Today, I am glad I didn't drive away 10 years ago when times got tough. Today I look at the man in my home with new eyes. He is a great man. I watch him watching the kids play and playing with them. I watch him stress over if we can keep our house and if we will have enough money. He works hard to keep a roof over our heads. he works hard to make sure I am happy. He works hard to make sure the kids get time with him. There is no better place for me than with him.

We are not perfect people. I am far far far from an ideal wife. I give him a lot of stress, I know. I have not led a perfect life - far from that as well. But I have found my perfect match. and we live an imperfect and crazy life together - doing our best to help each other to be better than we are alone.

I love this part of Indigo Girls song - Love's recovery -
"To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery"

On our 15th anniversary... times are as hard or harder than ever. there is a lot of questions about where our family is headed financially, times are tough in this economy. But - I have never felt more safe than I do right now. I feel safe in this storm.

I have to give credit where credit is due - I thank God for my good man. I thank God for bringing direction to a relationship that would have been lost without HIS hand in it. I thank GOD for answered Prayers, for scriptures, for opportunities given for Bill and I to serve together to focus on more than ourselves.
It is only with God that love can survive these storms.

Happy anniversary Bill - let's ride these waves together!

California here I come!

Bill had lined up some business meetings in San Diego During Comic Con (a Convention for the comic book, toy and movie industries - HUGE event!)
So we decided to make a vacation of it. While Bill was doing business in San Diego, the kids and I stayed with my mom in San Clemente for a few days.

Ahhhhh......... vacation.... How I had missed thee.
Hello beach, hello moderate temperatures, hello friendly people, hello busy town with cool shops, hello funky beach cities... ahhhh... my teenage stomping grounds... so many many many memories... how I have missed thee...

We arrived late Tuesday night (1:00am ish) and crashed in the beds my mom had already made up for us. Ilia had been spending a week with Grandma already and I really missed my little girl. The first thing I did was sneak over to her and give her a snuggle and a kiss on her forehead. I really missed this pretty little girl of mine.

Wednesday morning - the kids woke WAY too early and went to play in Grandma's garage/ playroom. Bill had work to do.
So, for us... it was off to the beach right away. We decided on Aliso Creek beach right near Laguna Beach. Perfect day, perfect beach. But it was crowded. There wasn't any open space near the water so we picked a spot next to the lifeguard tower next to the parking lot.

I put sunscreen on Ferrell first and put his life jacket on him, worked on Dane and the other kids next, and grabbed a sandwich out of the cooler.


As I bit into my sandwich I turned to check on the kids.

There rolling in the waves was an orange lifejacket. A little body struggling to get up as another wave rolled him over and unable to get his breathe. I was terrified! I cannot tell you how fast I moved. Perhaps the fastest I have ever moved in my life. I didn't even think to throw down the sandwich. I realized as I was next to him and grabbing my little 3 and a half year old out of the water one-handed what it must look like to the other people at the beach that I still had my sandwich in my hand. I seriously just didn't even have time to throw it down.

The life guard got there moments after me in full sprint. I was so glad I had gotten myself in shape that I could beat the lifeguard there.

I snuggled Ferrell for a while. He just wanted to go back up to the camp and play in with the sand toys where it was safe. He also spent a lot of time chasing the birds up and down the beach and gave me a workout just keeping up with him.


I spent most of my time just staying next to him and helping him feel safe again. It took hours before he was ready to even put his toes back in the water. But he did. He was super cautious this time and didn't try to do the big kid stuff - like let the waves chase you up the beach. or even get wet past his ankles anymore. I was just glad he got over it at all enough to get close to the water.

The rest of the time at the beach was mostly uneventful as far as stress level is concerned. The kids enjoyed the waves with their cousins - Jack, Luke and Max Proffit my brothers Ryan and Josh's kids.

I loved seeing serious contemplative Dane in his own world mostly by himself just watching the water.

Crazy Ilia Jumping in full force without concern (other than the sand in uncomfortable places).


Gabe normally a serious kid too - but he was really letting himself go and trying things he would have stayed away from. I love his ear to ear smile.



Evan was still recuperating from an exhausting week of Scout camp followed by time at the Lake with Mom and dad. he was burnt out on sand and water. Mostly Evan enjoyed eating and making sand castles that his little cousins kicked over. grumble grumble...
He decided to get out in the water after the camera battery had been put away.

I also noticed him "noiticing" the cute girls next to us... shhhh... don't tell him I caught him looking. Yup, he's a teenager now.

















Afterward we washed off and hit Gpa's jacuzzi. We still loaded the jacuzzi with sand and dirt even after the baths. You just can't get ALL the sand out of things.






Thursday was a day at the pool.
Jessica (my sister in Law) joined us with her kids and we had lunch. Ferrell got brave and removed his life jacket - but luckily stayed holding onto the sides of the pool. Dane kept his life jacket on and swam everywhere the big kids went. I didn't have the luxury of watching Ilia, Gabe and Evan much since I was watching Ferrell with my full attention. But I did notice that a group of kids about Evan's age showed up with a summer camp group and he really enjoyed himself in their games - it was mostly girls. He seems to have grown up a lot this year. A lot more confidence and is walking tall. I loved watching him socialize with the cute girls in a respectful teenage manner. It was great fun for me.










Friday was errand running day - picking up some brand new Stand up Paddle boards and doing a little of Bill's business stuff. We ended up at Bill's dad's house around 5:30pm and went out to dinner at a cute pasta place where Evan finally got the Lasagna he was hoping for, Gabe got the Pizza he wanted and I got the Shrimp scampi I was craving. We had a great time with Bill's dad, he really misses his wife Norma that passed away about 6 months ago from cancer. He wanted to have a special prayer on his home to dedicate it to the Lord and to keep it a Haven from the evils of the world. It was good to be there with him during the dedicatory prayer he offered. I was glad that we made that effort to be there.

We drove back to my mom's house and got there at 1am and crashed back to sleep. Today is my nephew Jack's baptism. He is 8 years old and we don't get to see Ryan and his family very often. So it's a treat to be out here at the same time as this big event in their family.

I miss my work and my house and friends back home. But I have LOVED being here with my family and good times in California.

Dane is 6. He took his training wheels off his bike on his own and decided he would teach himself how to ride his bike. I am so proud.

My wonderful mother wrote this:

When is Mother’s Day? It begins on the first.

The first time a mother discovers that she will be bearing a child. It all begins then as she murmurs the words, “Mommy, Mom, Mama” over and over, imagining how they will sound coming from my child’s lips someday. It begins to become a reality as she folds and unfolds the little shirts and nighties, imagining the tiny soft body that will almost fill them.

It’s the long wait, anticipating what he/she will look like. What color of hair eyes.

Praying every day thanking God for this child on loan.. Praying for health and a safe arrival.

“The Spirit itself beareath witness with our spirit that we are the

children of God.” Romans 8:13

And the prayers continue for ability and wisdom to take care of his/her every need. Is that when Mother’s day begins?

It begins with joyous relief, the the first sight of your miraculous tiny body. and hearing the startled, robust cry--perhaps a protest from leaving the comfort and safety of the womb upon entering into this world and being thrust into bright lights, noise. Mothers day began when I held my newborn to me and nuzzled your soft skin and smells that new baby smell.

Mothers day began when we dress you in clothes that are surprisingly way too big and we prepare to leave the hospital. We take the exciting ride home, knowing we are family now. The sun seems brighter, the flowers more vibrant or the fall leaves display colors of chili sauce rolling down the hills. Could nature be celebrating too as Mothers

Day begins?

The arrival of each infant coming into this world is sacred and unique for each child. Some of you were met by exuberant brothers and sisters, with wide eyes and arms, each wanting to hold you."How come we got the most beautiful baby" and "I get to hold her when everyone gathers around at Church"

Mothers day is celebrated on a lot of “firsts” We record a lot of them. The first real smile (Its NOT just gas!), the first time you recognized me or Daddy and followed us with your eyes, the first time you could hold something in your hand. The first laugh---did we get that recorded? The first teeth, first time you rolled over, or crawled or climbed the stairs...and later trees and the walls! The first steps. The first words, the chattering that eventually made sense. So many firsts in that beginning year of each child’s life.



People sometimes ask me “How did you raise so many children. I reply “On my knees.” With God’s help we made it through...and found joy in doing so.

There were lots of firsts: When Nathan was just learning to ride a bike and would venture near the corner, I commented to your grandmother “It is so fun to see him ride a trike and be a little adventurous, but I don’t know how far to let him go”

She sagely replied, “That will be the case for the rest of your life.”

And so it was. First a trike, then a bike, then a car. How far to let you out of my sight? Then off to college and then the three M’s: missions, marriage. and military. Nervous, but happy for you. And proud.

It was Mother’s day one Memorial Day as I watched my giant of a son in full military dress uniform with unchecked tears running down his face as he listened to “Taps” and saluted the graves of fallen soldiers.

It was Mothers’ Day each time I attended a school play, a program, an award ceremony, a ball game, a wrestling, match, or a concert (especially the solos).



Priesthood ordinations, Young women awards and actually wanting me to go to girl's camp with you......and not being too embarrassed!

It was Mother’ Day when you shared papers you had written, test results and what went on in school. Even the disappointments brought us closer, just by your sharing them. Who could count the numerous conversations? In the car, at the kitchen sink, taking walks, at the beach or jogging.

We didn’t realize we were building precious memories on those Nature walks, hikes in the mountains, Labor Day picnics, days at the beach and road trips. Inside humor and jokes still on file to recall anytime I need a good laugh!

It was joyous to receive the art work that was plastered on the refrigerator and walls. The hand prints

made and framed.

The stories you brought home from school as you sat at the counter eating homemade bread & jam. You brought your friends in, and enlarged our circle. How you encouraged us to take in strays “He’s really a good kid Mom” and “How can we say no, when we’ve been so blessed?”

It was Mother’s Day to watch you participate, in Student government, debate, cheer leading, drill team.

Do you realize it was Mother’s day watching you complete, demonstrate and show 4-h projects of sewing, cooking, bunny rabbits, sheep, pigs calves? The awards and ribbons you received did not compare to the glow inside me and your father.

It was a pleasure making prom dresses and wedding dresses. Etching out a budget in order to go shopping for school clothes and a new notebook. To hurry through prayers, breakfast and then watch you board the school bus , walk or ride to school each year.

The scout badges were a joy to sew on as you earned them. I loved the “Mothers Day” when 4 hungry, dirty boys returned from a 2 day camp out on their own. You had left arguing about something and returned singing and your arms around each other. I’m not sure what you leaned about cooking and nature, but I loved that I saw that you learned

about each other.

No April Fool’s Day does not surpass Mothers Day, in case anyone should ask. But we continue to get some good jokes in. Memories linger of Christmas Eve, with Grandpa Proffit reading from ST. Luke , New Year celebrations, birthday parties with siblings and cousins , Trick or treating with costumes we would make ourselves, Fireworks on July 4th..which was also Lisa’s birthday. Did we realize those were all actually “Mother’s Days”?

I got the honor of helping Santa fill stockings, the Easter bunny hide eggs and the very ditzy tooth fairy try to remember to put money under the pillow. Were those all on a Mother’s day?

Things started reversing. Losing a tooth was as exciting as getting one. Watching you leave home and the extra room and the quiet you left in your wake...now that’s a good Mother’s day!

I saw brothers and sisters sob as their siblings left for college and on missions, ( and then later confiscate some of their belongings.!)

“I’m glad they called you on a mission” you would sing.

Then what were all the tears when 6 huge sons cried uncontrollably as you sang “Armies of Helaman” at Josh’s farewell? That was an awesome Mother’s Day!



Watching my children fall in love and quietly celebrating when they had to dump the poor choices. You all eventually selected someone as you would bring them home to meet us. What gifts those new sons and daughters in law! So many more to love now. And I congratulate you on great choices .

Who can find a virtuous woman, for her price is far above rubies” Proverbs 31:10

Each time one of you got married, each brother and sister and their families came to help celebrate. What a joy to see tall handsome sons and beautiful daughters lined up at the solemn ceremonies and to feel Nathan's presence there too. What joy on those special "Mother's days.



And now the numerous births of grandchildren and watching the cycle repeat over and over, a most precious Mother’s day present is watching my children love each other and their own families as they teach their children. My constant gift is the wonderful awe of each new child, and all their firsts. Thank you thank you for sharing them with me, bringing them to my house to play with the dress up, to play tennis, to read or enjoy the hot tub and the beach. they bring their poetry and stories,and music. Thanks for sending pictures and posting their events on the face book and My family.

Thanks for moving over and allowing us to come to your house for those baby blessings, baptisms, sporting events, concerts, plays,graduations, or just for the fun of it.

Phone calls, cards, are marvelous. I thrill when a grandchild calls or writes a note. It’s Mother’s day again when my beautiful, strong daughters call to talk about everything and nothing? Just girl talk.

Some time ago, one of you protested , “Why is there a Mother’s Day and a Father’s Day, but no “Children’s Day” ?

I passed on the answer my mother gave me. “Every day is Children’s Day!”

I’m reconsidering that answer. I guess everyday is Mother’s day. It begins on a first and continues on and on . The ‘first’ seems to come more often now a days.

“I have no greater joy than to know my children walk in truth.” 3 John 1:4

“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord , and the fruit of his

womb is his reward.

“As arrows are in the hands of a mighty man, so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them....” psalms 127:3-5
- from Michelle's amazing mother Pat

Ironman! a Volunteer story

Friday Night Bill and I camped out at Sand Hollow Resevoir so we could make it to the 4:30am meeting for the Swim support. We slept like crap - music echoing off the hills from those at the Bike racks keeping an eye on the security for millions of dollars of Bike equipment. So our alarm going off at 4:15am was like... pain... real pain. But I was excited to get in the water and be a part of this amazing day around so many amazing athletes.

at 6 ish we were loading our kayak into the water to go get in place. the sun was not yet up but just a tiny bit of light trying to peak over the hills. I was surprised to find out the water was warmer than I expected. in fact I was expecting to be freezing. I wasn't!

What a GORGEOUS morning. Blue Water, Blue skies, Red hills and sand...
Bill and I were situated in a 2 man kayak on the east side of the island about 3/4 of the way through the Water course. Bill was designated section leader of Section E on the swim. So we got to boss people around - another favorite pastime.

I was impressed as I watched the swimmers go by - first the Pros... speechless... amazing...

I suck at swimming.
so watching these guys hardly lifting their heads out of the water and going in a straight line...
A M A Z I N G...

cuz I suck at swimming.

Last time I tried to swim at Sand Hollow to "try and train for a triathlon".... I sucked. I basically got in the water and shivered and swam about 10 yards and got out. and I NEVER could get myself to put my head under water.

So, yeah... watching these guys swim this strong for 2.5 miles. I was impressed.
Not much to do on kayak support on the back side of the race for the pros and the people in the first half of the race. they are strong and steady and not needing much support.

it was the second half that things get exciting for water support - at least where we are placed in the water. I hear the Starting line area gets a lot of action with water support. but we don't get a lot of action until the ending half.

We only had to have one man hang onto our kayak and work out some cramps.
They are allowed to hang onto to the kayak as long as we don't go forward. If they come out of the water they are out of the race.

I know of about 7 people who ended up being pulled from the water. I heard Last year it was around 30 people pulled out of the water.
Some were just too cold, some too cramped up, some just exhausted already. It's a combination of the water temperature, the adrenaline and the exertion they put in that puts their lives in danger in the water.

I have OOODLES of respect for anyone who can finish even this much of the race.
In case you were wondering - the Ironman is a 2.5 mile swim, then a 112 mile bike ride then 26.2 mile run. - pretty stinking tough to do anyone one of these alone much less back to back.

When I was at the grocery store getting some food to pack for the campout, the checker asked me if I was doing the Ironman. "Oh yeah, I am SOOOO doing the ironman!" hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa ha haaaa ahhhhhhh....
well not this year or the next anyway.
I just want to LOOK like I could. :)

One of the Hardest parts of the Ironman on the Swim support side for me was the very very tail end. there were about 4 swimmers at the end we were worried would not make it.
At this point there is enough kayak support for each swimmer to have a full support fleet for them. so Bill and I and another 2 man kayak teamed up to keep "Joe" (don't know his real name) going the right direction and motivated. It's pretty easy to get going completely off course and course correcting takes a lot out of a swimmer if they have to do it over and over. some swimmers actually swim twice as far as they others because of the distance they spend going off course and having to correct.
so "joe" had a kayak on either side of him keeping him pointed in the right direction. He was shivering and struggling. There was a moment when I really thought he would give up and ask to be pulled out. But he didn't he kept trying. His mind kept telling his body he could do this. At one point he was so weak his swimming form had him moving backward instead of forward! I have no idea why. (but then again - did I tell you I suck at swimming and would not make a great swim coach?)

When I saw the look of frustration and renewed determination in this guy's face, I realized he was not going to ask to be pulled out of the race and it was now our job to give him as much support and encouragement as we could. so I pulled out my bootcamp trainer hat (not really - it's a metaphore) and we all started cheering this guy on - counting down the time - telling him how much further he had - yelling at the top of our lungs:
"COME ON"
"YOU'VE TRAINED FOR THIS"
"YOU CAN DO IT"
"PUSH HARDER"
and all the other stuff you tell a woman in labor... :)

Once again my 4 years of High School Cheerleading were useful.

I was emotionally invested in this guy's success.

We were about 100 meters from the finish line and their was 2 minutes left. His pace was going to have him just missing the cutoff time. I wanted to cry.

It was all I could do to keep from jumping in the water next to him and swimming to the finish with him. (but then they would have had to pull me from the water and waste the kayak support on me instead.)

When "joe" finally made it out - he had missed the cuttoff by a minute. right along side him was a woman and they were told at the same time as they were wrapped in a blanket that there were not going to be able to continue the race.

I wanted to hug him. so I did.

He looked dissapointed and relieved at the same time. I imagine he must have felt proud that he pushed through a tough swim that at midpoint none of us (and maybe him too) thought he would finish. I also imagine he must have been happy that he wasn't going to have to get on that bike and ride over 100 miles and then run a marathon. He looked exhausted. I was proud of him. I didn't know his name or where he was from or anything about him. But I felt like I knew him. And I was proud of him.

This portion of the race and my volunteering was over.
So we got on some SUP (Stand Up Paddle Boards) and played around for a few minutes before we headed back to our tent to warm up and nap before the second round of volunteering/playtime at the Ironman.

I went home for a few hours to play with my kids and kiss them all before I headed out the door at 5:30pm to got to run aid station support from 6pm - midnight. I was so excited for this portion of the race. I knew that the elite/professional athletes were done before I got there. The winner finished before 3:30pm.

(a side note: it's so weird differentiating the athletes as elite/non-elite. They are all amazing and elite in comparison to me. BUT - I have no idea what to call the FREAKS - I say that lovingly- who are in the first 50-100 or so finishers. other than superhuman elite. so I will just call them the "elite" to make it easier.)

For those of you who have to deal with St. George traffic on race day every yea all day or all weekend - I pity you. It took me FOREVER to try and get to the area of town I needed to be in to park and then walk over to the aid station. so many detours and roads closed all over the place. I thought I could cut over here - nope. try this route - nope.
I finally had to give in and follow the traffic to Bluff Street and then went to the church parking lot before walking to the aid station.

I went by myself this time. Bill decided to stay home with the kids and recover from no sleep. Me? I am a freak when it comes to a good party. I was ready to be up all night dancing with a crowd. - that is where my "eliteness" kicks in. I outlasted Bill and I was ready for a second round.

Apparently the aid station I had signed up for had been moved.
I walked over to where it was supposed to be.
I had signed up for aid station #11 - the theme they chose was HIPPIES - you know, Peace, love, beads etc... So I was all dressed the part and ready for some hippie love.

I found aid station #6,7,8,9,10 and then 12? what? where was 11? I walked back up the hill to number 6- they said go back down and told me where it should have been - between numbers 10 and 12. NOPE. I walk up the side street where all the runners were going up a hill and was hoping for an aid station there. NOPE. I walked back down the hill. I was really feeling for the Ironmen at this point. I was in a pair of sandals - I took them off since they were hurting my feet and now I was barefoot walking alongside the ironman athletes who for the most part were walking at this point as well. I had not swam 2.5 mile or rode a bike 112 miles. I had walked only a couple of miles (barefoot) up and down this hillside in the 90 degree weather and I was starting to get tired. I could see why this St. George Course was considered a tough ironman course - lots of Hills... I got to walk them barefoot.

I finally decided to settle onto aid station 12. I was done looking for my people. They would just have to miss me. SO - I was dressed in Hippie attire and hanging out with the Cowboys at the western themed aid station. They had country music playing when I got there - not my faves from the 60's and 70's. so... I was a little sad.
But I jumped right in. This group did have free dinner for me - grilled on the spot hamburgers. Yeah! I was freaking STARVING!
So this is where I stayed for most of the night. I didn't know a soul at this aid station. This is the first Ironman aid station I had ever volunteered at. I had done other aid stations elsewhere - but this was awesome! what a party. I am not a huge fan of the country western theme - But these guys knew how to make it a PARTY!
We handout out water, ice, cola, wet sponges, etc...
I have a thing about music - it has to be right. the right speed is critical especially when you need some energy to keep moving.
So - this guy - older guy - nice guy - at the aid station decided he didn't like the hard thumping rythyms of Kid Rock and "I'm a cowboy" and other Hard rock Style country music. So he puts on "Hey Jude" like 5 times... uh.... yeah.... nice guy... not a great running song.
I jokingly said something about it to him.
Me - "do you ever go running with music?"
Him - "Hey Jude is a great song."
Me - "I'm not saying it isn't, it just doesn't have good running beat. I love this song but it doesn't really pump you up."
Him - "well most of them are walking right now anyway."
Me - "yeah... well..."
I think I lost. He played it 5 more times. Maybe he didn't like me more than he liked the song. Not sure. I needed some hard thumping dance tunes.

Around 10pm I was chatting with some guy in a golf cart about my aid station dilema and he tell me aid station number 11 was moved and he could take me there.
YAY!
I would get to see my Friend Michelle Sullivan and her crew. so I quietly ditched aid station 11 and "Hey Jude" and went up the hill to the Hippies.

NOW the party could start!
Enter the dance party til midnight...

Ok...
so we were dancing and singing and the music was loud and hard - they way I like it.
I was with an old friend and finished off an evening having a great time. AND my outift was right finally!

Around 11:30 the runners were few and far between. but we would have one here and one there still struggling to finish this race.

We would cheer and High Five all of them as they passed our aid station.
midnight - still 4 runners out there and the race was called. they would not even make it to aid station 11. I am not sure how many other runners were passed our aid station and in town trying to finish. One was 2 miles away from our aid station. I was torn up about having to turn off the music and leave when one more person was out there and needing all the support they could get. But technically - the race organizers wanted them to get off the streets. I did decide to leave. I got in my car and drove into downtown St. George to see the finish line. I actually had never seen it before. most everyone was gone when I pulled into town. There was the clean up crew and few devoted friends of runner still trying to finish the race they started. I saw a couple of guys standing next to the finish line. I asked if they were waiting for a runner they knew. nope. they were just there at the end to cheer on the last of the last of the athletes and this was their favorite part of the race. ME TOO! It is those who have persevered through unbelievable trials along the course and finished even when they are told they do not get honored by the crowd, press, medals, and accolades - they finish anyway. These are my heroes! So I stood on the finish line with these 4 other guys as the clean up crew were tearing down the archway. we saw someone coming in and we cheered as loud as we could. His pace picked up just a tad and he crossed that half torn down archway with the cheers of just 5 people. I wanted to cry. I am that way.
I chatted with these guys for a few minutes and then there was another runner - these people were alone. No family, no other support and no crowds. but they finished!
I think one of them was foreign and must have come a great distance to be here as he spoke very little Enlgish and looked like he wanted to say something to us there - but instead just in an accent I couldn't place said "thank you." It meant the world to me. I told these men I was cheering with I wanted to cry. They laughed and said "Ya, I know huh?"

It was nearly 1:00am I had a family and husband at home. I hated leaving but knew I had to. The race day was over for me. and I loaded up on Mountain Dew and Chocolate at Maverick and pumped up the music for my 30 minute drive home alone in the dark.
It was good to be home with my husband who had waited up for me.


Some things that impressed me while volunteering - ages - sizes and types of athletes.
There is a "type" that you expect to do this race. The majority fit that type - strong - lean - tough warriors - men and women = ages 20-40

But the others were refreshing - The older athletes some looked like they may have been pushing 70 or more!
The Larger athletes - I saw 2 at least that my judgmental mind would have never EVER placed them as capable of doing this event - way to prove me wrong you animals!

The Person with the artificial leg - wow.

And so many many many stories for each of them.

If you are like me you may have said "I could never do something like this." But what I love about this is that these people have proven so many people wrong. Because they did do this. Many of the athletes were older than me - by 10 years or more!
I know my friends that did this had once struggled with weight issues and trained hard to lose weight THEN started Triathlon training and THEN decided - WHY NOT?

They remind me - NEVER RULE ANYTHING OUT!

I was able to give my friend Missy (Hyde) Payne a Hug at aid station 12. She looked amazing and left a sweaty mark on my shirt.

I kept looking for my friend Cathy Ford but never saw her. I had decided she must have been one of those FREAKS that finished earlier in the day. I later read on her Facebook thread she had to drop out at mile 70 on the bike course due to heat exhaustion. bummer - but she had a great attitude and plans on trying again next year.

Next year - the whole family will be doing it with me too. It's too good of a party and inspiring event to not be a part of in some small way.

My knees hurt when I look down

No, really. When I stand at the top of something a little more than a few feet up and then I look down... my legs ache, my heart pounds, my stomache churns. I have this HORRIBLE fear of heights. I am also afraid of deep open water. I wonder if those fears are related. I decided earlier that this was year to get over my fears and go do things I have always wanted to try but have allowed my fears to hold me back.
my list of things I want to do include:
- zipline
- repelling
- rock climbing
- climb Angel's landing.
there are other things but they have nothing to do with my fears - just lack of skill I need to improve in order to get there
- Run a marathon
- do a solo triathlon
etc...
the top list is stuff I could go do today the bottom list takes some time to train up to.
BUT I haven't tried anything from the top list because I am a freaking chicken when it comes to heights. I LOVE the idea of climbing up the side of a cliff. I love hiking and bouldering around But I can't seem to bring myself to do more than that.

Guess what I did today?


The first time we went up there I was nearly dizzy just looking off the balcony. Courtney (works at Zion Ponderosa) hooked me in and told me to go. But I kept stalling. I knew it was no big deal. But I physically could NOT get my legs to move me off the balcony. SO Bill pushed me. Thanks Bill. I really thought I would be able to do it without a push, but I could NOT. Once going I was able to relax and enjoy the ride. It was safe and mellow and not that big of a deal.
I had to try it again though. I needed to be able to do it without Bill Pushing me. I needed to know that I could overcome my fears and do things that scare the hell out of me. So I did. Some of you are looking at me and thinking - dude, Michelle, what is the big deal that Zipline is wimpy. yeah, well.... SO! I was scared anyway! I would never have jumped a year ago and I did it! I am so happy! I am ready for repelling and then Angel's landing and some rock climbing! BRING IT ON!

an apostle of God spoke today

Yesterday and today I had the opportunity to go listen to more instruction from a church conference.
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we do believe in the same organization that existed when Christ was on the earth.
We have a Prophet on the earth as well as 12 apostles that help lead the Church, receive revelation, and speak to us in God's behalf.
Usually our General Conference is when we get to hear from these apostles.
Our smaller "Stake Conferences" are normally area leaders and authorities speaking to us. But this weekend we had one of the 12 apostles of God - much like Peter, James, John, Luke etc... of the New Testament. It was a great privilege to hear an apostle of God speak.
along with him, we heard others speak - not so glamorous - like my neighbor's kid - Braydon Sanders. I know him and have been watching him grow up for the past 6 years. But still, he listened to the spirit and spoke from his hear and did a great job.

Here are my notes from this weekend and what I received from all words and speakers I can remember or took notes of.

Saturday was a crazy busy day. I debated even going to the evening session of our conference. I was tired and cranky and really just wanted to sleep. But I had been feeling kind of... "empty". I needed to be filled. So Bill and I went about 30 minutes late. But we got there.
we sat in the back of the room. I neglected to take good notes but I was impressed with the words of the speaker that was talking when we entered. It was on serving God because of Love for our Savior Jesus Christ. great words great talk. I was in and out of sleep during most of the other speakers. I remember feeling love and warmth even though I was struggling staying awake. I remember brother Worthen being a powerful spiritual speaker, But I can't remember the topic of his talk.
I was glad to be there, but praying I would hear something that was just for me.
Then Brother Holland got up to speak. He set aside his notes and said how he wished there was a living room big enough to sit casually and just talk to us directly. I really felt his love and concern for us. This was not a man here to put on a show, but a man who had prayed for us and what God wanted us to hear today.
he then went on to speak about how each of us hits times of trial - death, loneliness, sadness, financial hardship, problems with kids, problems with marriage. and he talked about the Love God has for broken things.
a few things that stood out to me -

- You don't abandon ship in a storm. Stay in the boat. Just because there is a struggle and you aren't getting things you want right now is not a reason to decide the church isn't true and jump ship. to do so is the most dangerous thing. Stay in the boat and ride out the storm.

- God loves broken things. when you feel broken is when God is most loving it seems. he asked that we bring a broken heart and contrite spirit to him. For anyone to say that because they hurt or are in pain that God must not love them is WRONG!
Then a powerful testimony was shared of how he sat by Prophets of God that were in pain.
Howard W. Hunter Cried out in agony as Cancer ravaged him.
Gordon B. Hinckley would mourn the loss of his wife and go home to an empty house and a can of tuna fish. never was there a lonelier man.
Spencer W. Kimball had every physical difficulty imaginable and experienced suffering of all sort personal, family and physical.

To say that God doesn't love these men because they suffer... is not so.
God LOVES his prophets and they suffered through the ages. when we suffer we must remember that God Loves us still.

I went Home feeling full and refreshed. and then I went to Dairy Queen and ruined it all. (Kidding) It was good to sit with friends afterward and share a good moment.

came home and went to bed.

SUNDAY...
got to conference late, sat in a relief society room where conference was being broadcast over the speaker system. I was actually happy to be in the overflow room as my kids like to make a little noise and the speakers were louder than they were in the main cultural hall where the majority of the congregation sat.
It reminded me of King Benjamin and the tower had had built so he could address the crowd that had gathered to hear him speak.

The apostle of God was speaking at the Stake Center in LAverkin. The wards were broken up and asked to attend assigned buildings to hear conference being broadcast to us wherever we were.

Kind Benjamin from the Book of Mormon had such a crowd gather that he had to have a tower set up so his voice would carry and then he had messengers deliver his message even further to the crowd that still could not hear that had gathered to hear.

So I felt like this is kind of what it must have been like for them. we weren't up close and personal to the apostle, but we were able to hear the address that was for us as God delivered the words to him. Still a great blessing to be there.

President Demille (Stake President)
spoke on the importance of having daily devotional time with God. personal prayer and scripture study. This was also a big part of many other talks this weekend.
Take time to talk to your father in Heaven daily.
Find Peace in doing the right things.
He shared the Poem/ hymn by Janice Kapp Perry "Be still and know that I am God"
to the Youth : Find time to be still and have a daily communication with God.

Braydon Sanders (my neighbor's kid)spoke next.
I have to admit - it is always hard to listen to a kid that you have watched grow up and make mistakes. But it was really cool hearing this young man and see the spiritual growth that has been occurring in him. He is becoming a strong Young Man and that is really cool!
His talk was on service and how he has really enjoyed getting to use the gift of the priesthood power to serve some elderly ladies and bring them the sacrament to their homes and the love that is found through service.



Sister??? Young women president whose name I did not catch
spoke on teaching Children to work and serve
- consistency, repetition and example are key elements
- our own attitude affects how we serve.
I loved this: "pretend you are raising someone else's kids and that their parents are watching you." (isn't this true? we are raising children of God and he is watching us - OUCH!)

Brother Jeppson of the temple presidency
Make your homes a temple-like atmosphere
"a house of order, a house of Learning, a house of God."
Come often to the temple.

Sister Worthen bore her testimony.
Opportunities like this cause one to ask "What do I believe?"
It brings you to your knees to ask and confirm what you believe in.
She also spoke of the importance of personal daily devotional with God.

Brother Worthen
regional representative
we live in a chaotic tumultuous time. how do we respond?
shared a story of a Platoon Sgt talking to a soldier. when you are in the most difficult circumstances, I have one thing to say:
"in combat the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing otherwise, you die."
The main thing: Have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ!
Faith is the opposite of Fear.
"If ye are prepared ye Shall not Fear."
"Prepare every needful thing."
You can prepare for almost everything...
But Just ONE thing is NEEDFUL! - Christ like Love
He shared a story of President Hinckley breaking safety protocols that had been reviewed and carefully planned for his safety when he decided reaching out to a sad widow and turning the wrong direction was more important than protocol - it took him forever to get out of that event.

If you are overwhelmed - find opportunities to serve others.


Sister Holland:
She shared her testimony to the fact that she loves her husband and KNOWS he IS an apostle of God. Very Strong testimony to that fact.
I loved her adoring words regarding their love and the humor as well.
"when I met him he had dimples. those dimples are now filled with my Good Cooking."
He speaks to us as if Jesus Christ were in the very room.
Happiness comes from Love and abiding in the love of Jesus Christ.
The most important thing we can do is Love God and Love each other. Love will cast out all fear.


Brother Holland - of the current 12 apostles on the earth today:
He spoke of how overwhelming his calling is. that it is knee buckling and brings him to his knees.
He spoke of Peter of the New testament that walked with Jesus.
His calling is the same - to testify of Christ and to assist in the leadership of the Church.
He said he understood more of Peter now - that when Christ died - Peter basically gave up and said "let's go fishing - we had a great ride."
Jesus was gone and he was lost.
When Jesus returned and showed himself to them and asked 3 times - do you love me - then feed my sheep.
The calling was the same as it was before. Jesus Christ LIVES! Peter became apostolic at that point. it was no longer just an appointment but became his life.

The question is asked of us: Do YOU love God? If the answer is YES then nothing else matters. If the answer is NO, then nothing else matters.
it is the only question that REALLY matters most. If we love God, we will serve him and keep the commandment.

if we truly LOVED GOD, could it make a difference in the way we lived, served, and in the Global community?

Brother Holland then gave us a blessing for everyone in the area and expressed that there was no limit to this blessing:
To the men: Honor and be worthy of the priesthood. grasp the significance of the priesthood.
They can change the course of history if they step up to the role and duty of the priesthood. Be more like the master that leads us. You will honor the the priesthood and learn patience and love starting in your own families and marriages.
to the women:
(this was powerful for me)
The Gospel has always been the story of women!
Brother Holland is a member of the church because of the strength of a woman in his family history. it was his mother that brought him to church. women carry the banner of faith, hope and charity.
It was his girlfriend who said to serve a mission or she wouldn't marry him. we laughed as he talked about how he .got his papers in for that one.
Women are loved and honored in the church.

He quoted someone as saying. "Mormon men are strong. BUT Mormon WOMEN are incredible!"

to the youth... not sure what he said because at this point my kids that had been REALLY GOOD were now tired of sitting and began fighting. Dane (age 6) comes in my face and says "Ilia Punched me!" Ilia Says "Not hard"
Dane says "I want my seat back"
"I'm hungry,"
I'm tired"
3 babies are crying and my 3 year old is throwing his socks.
funny? sure. or ironic.
I did hear brother Holland say something about needing to read 3rd Nephi Chapter 17 regarding the blessings given to the children when Jesus visited the Americas and gathered the children around him. Looks like I have some reading to do.

Closing thoughts by brother Holland
- Be believing- Love God, Do Good and Feel the hand of God in your lives.
It is a dark and dreary world without the gospel - a reminder not to jump ship in the storm.

and then for those that are questioning the truthfulness of the Gospel he says
"I have NOT given my life to a Fairy tale! I was NOT born yesterday. I have given my life to this gospel of Jesus Christ and will until the day I die. This is the Truth! I declare to you that this is God's Very truth"
This gospel has given me everything.
(he continued his blessing to all of us)
I promise you that if you live righteously - every prayer, every dream you have WILL be realized TENFOLD. It is HIS will.
Amen.


My thoughts - Thank you Lord for sending your servant to share with me thy will.
I recommit myself to doing better at serving my neighbors, being patient and loving with my family and having my personal quiet time with God. I recommit to including God in my hopes and dreams as well.

Rest in Peace Jason Oliver

Yesterday a man died.
Jason was a school buddy from Simi Valley High School class of 1992.
I went to that school from when I moved from Wyoming to California in the spring of 1990 to when I graduated in 1992.
I am not the best kind of friend. I don't carry relationships on very well when it isn't convenient. (facebook is changing that - lol)
I haven't seen or spoken to Jason since our graduation. Facebook was the way we reconnected after 17 years of not speaking or hanging out.
I was saddened beyond what I thought I would be yesterday when he passed away.
My husband asked if I wanted to go to his funeral and how close I was to Jason.
I really don't know how to define the connection I had felt with this man.
I only really knew him for a year and a half of my life.
But they were important years of my life.
Jason was... interesting, funny, strong, powerful, amazing.
I will admit I had a high school crush on him. It broke my heart when I found out he wasn't interested in women. :)
Jason was a political activist - and while I found myself on the opposite side of some major issues, he still acted like a kind loving passionate man who just was doing what he felt was the right thing. As was I.
He used to tell us that he would be President one day. We all KNEW he was the kind of man that could make that happen.
Jason was fearless.
He wore a tie to school every day.
He sang what he felt like when he felt like singing.
He would say what he felt.
Was I close to Jason?
As close as I was to most any other of my Simi High school buddies that I lost contact with after graduation.
Had I ran into him in a mall or post office I would have given him a huge hug and kiss on the cheek. And then we would have debated some political issue until I would cave and say "fine - you win."
I adored him.
I was thrilled when I "found" him on facebook. He was one of those people that never leaves your mind. He makes an impression. his smile burns into your heart. You cannot forget that smile.
He was adorable - even when I felt he was wrong. wrong or right. He was a powerhouse of a man. He deserves to be honored.
I don't know if I will go to his funeral or not.
But either way, I want the world to know...
Jason had strength.
His smile still is in my heart.
Rest in peace amazing, wonderful Jason.