working on some issues...

A few weeks ago I saw someone that I haven't spoken to in almost a year. The reunion was more awkward than I could have imagined as she walked away from me without even saying Hello. I was not prepared for it.

It had me wondering if I should reach out again after all this time and try and re-establish contact, or if I should let the old relationship die and forget about what once was.
Years ago I had considered her one of my dearest friend. We used to do a lot of things together and we spoke almost daily. We had shared hotel rooms, worked out together and celebrated achievements together. We had laughed until we cried together. And we had shared heartaches and private moments.

So why in the world would I let a "friend" like this go?
What in the world could I have done to have made her walk away in disgust when she saw me again after all this time?
I will admit it hurt to see that I was not even on a level that she could even bring herself to say hi when I waved as I walked by.

Here's how the story began...
About a year ago, I was making some BIG professional career and life altering decisions about where to spend time. Unfortunately some of those decisions affected her negatively. On top of that I was dealing with personal conflicts within me, feeling inadequate as I determined my new path in life was to be much more of an ambitious undertaking than anything I had ever done before. I became more and more aware of the people who gave me positive energy. I wanted to surround myself with people that made me feel like I could do ANYTHING.
Those that were sucking my energy and pulling me down were no longer welcome in my world and I was much more sensitive to their negativity.
I suddenly became very aware of those harsh comments, lack of support, times when I was let down in times of need and times when public comments about my flaws were made by her. Those things were no longer acceptable to me even though I had allowed it for so many many years. I was done! and I said so. She wasn't the only one - I told a couple of people in my life that I was done being around them because I felt like CRAP when they were near. I told her that the things she did and said about me were not acceptable and I needed to let her go from my life.
I wished no ill-well. In fact I hoped for success in her endeavors whatever they were.
The thing that was so difficult to me was that I had NEVER said those word to anyone before. Letting go of a relationship that had lasted about 8 years was more difficult than I thought it would be. I sent letters occasionally to see how things were going, to check on family's health and to make sure she understood why I was hurt so badly and why I made that decision. To tell you the truth I was kind of hoping for some kind of response, apology, explanation, or just tell me how upset she was about what I said to her - anything that would say she cared about what we once had.

There was never a response, no apology, no attempt to make things right - nothing.

The more I tried to reach out to her, the more lonely I felt. I wondered if I had been too mean. Could a friend ever forgive someone for saying the things I said? I wondered if the roles were reversed could I forgive me? I don't know... I knew I hurt her, and I had no idea if she could forgive me.

It's been nearly a year... I wonder... was there EVER a friendship? After running into her and having that awkward moment between us I began asking myself more and more, "what is a friend?"

Over the past year or so the answer to this question has surprised me. I am no longer in high school where friends seemed easier to come by. My friends in High School were people I cheered with, or sat next to in the stands at a Football game or laughed with in class. But today, a friend is so much different than that.
I discovered something I never expected - that a friend is often the person you least expect to be your friend. it's not necessarily the person you have everything in common with. It's not necessarily the person who has kids the same ages as yours. and sometimes your acquaintances that are there for you in a serious time of need are your best friends in disguise.

I posted this question about friendship on facebook and received a lot of great answers that I believe to be true.
"friends lift you up"
"friends can see you again after a length of time and you can pick up where you left off"
"if you love some thing or someone - let them go, if they return they were meant to be - if not, it was never meant to be."
"a friend can even be the person you just get an occasional 'hello' from in the halls"
"a friend supports you in the important things"

I reflected on these answers and realized that in reference to the person I said good by to earlier in this blog, that I had made the right decision.
I can let go now for good. I can breathe as these answers fill the questioning part of my mind that feels the need to hold onto things so much time was invested in.

There are so many different levels of friends and anyone can fill the need for a friend at some given point in time.

I do not consider myself as someone surrounded with a clique of friends that do everything together. I have often felt left out as I sought after those kinds of friendships. So, I reflected on the kinds of friends I do have and the kinds of relationships I choose to nourish and keep alive:

- I have the "hi" friends. these are the ones you see on a regular occasion (at church, at the school as you drop off kids, etc...) there are good for that warm hello and a smile just to brighten the mood and they fill a very important place in our lives.

- I have the Internet friends. I used to make fun of people who considered internet relationships real. now I understand them. It is wonderful to be able to talk to online friend in message board and social networking sights. in fact there are some people who would never hang out with me in public that I consider some of my best friends in the virtual world and I so need that friendship at times. But I still won't do mafia wars or Yo-ville with you people...


- there are the long-lost friends. These are those you truly miss that you once did stuff with. perhaps old high school or college buddies. and for whatever reason, you are now distant. but they are still friends and if you ran into them in a store somewhere you would give a big hearty Hello to and maybe even a hug and kiss on the cheek. You miss them, but understand that time and distance sometimes are a factor in keeping those relationships active (you may have moved them into the internet friend spot to keep it alive). you could possibly pick right back up where you left off.

- There is the Acquaintance friend - you may know each other from work or mutual friends, you don't necessarily consider yourselves "tight". But when push comes to shove they would reach out - trust me. I have found many of my acquaintances are much more than what they appear to be.

- there is the "talking to" friend - the friend you NEED! this is the kind of friend you can call or go over to their home during a rough patch and cry on their shoulder or talk about family problems and know they love you and will not judge you no matter what. everyone needs one of these.

- there is the Play friend - the friend that you go do stuff with. you can call them up and say "hey we are going to go..." and know they are up for it. they are fun buddies.

- there is the unexpected friend. the one that surprises you with love and service without being asked. the one that did your dishes when you miscarried a baby. or took your kids for an hour when you just needed a hot bath and quiet time. Or maybe they brought over a plate of cookies just to be nice. They are a nice surprise in a world full of difficulties.

- there is the spouse. I grin as I consider this and this could be another blog on it's own. But he is the one that you chose to share everything with. sometimes there is sorrow in this relationship with difficulties in learning to live with someone who doesn't do everything you want him to, but because he is someone you chose to be with, you would do anything to keep this friendship strong. you would give anything to make him happy. your greatest source of joy is seeing his joy.


- And there's family. I consider most of my family my friends and strive to make this relationship stronger. When I speak of family I mean my siblings, parents, kids, in laws etc... for the most part, working to make these family relationships into TRUE friends is worth the effort because of the peace of mind it brings over a crowded Holiday dinner table. But is also worth the effort because of the trust relationship it builds as you deal with the most intimate of details of eachother's lives. we are more aware of the faults of family members and therefore more critical with them than almost any of our other "friends". (except maybe our spouse heheheh)

- and finally - our savior Jesus Christ, the Ultimate friend to have. the one that will NEVER fail you. the one I am most grateful for during times of joy and sorrow. the only one that was never too busy, too distant, or too... whatever. he is who HE IS! He is love and charity and patience and peace of mind. He is my source of strength. When I doubt myself or feel powerless, He lifts me up, encourages me, he always is still there when I have let him go,
in fact I could probably replace his name in each of these statements
"friends lift you up"
"friends can see you again after a length of time and you can pick up where you left off"
"if you love some thing or someone - let them go,(except - I should probably not let HIM go) if they return they were meant to be - if not, it was never meant to be.( he has always been there even when I had let him go)"
"a friend can even be the person you just get an occasional 'hello' from in the halls" (his occasional Hello's are in the world around us - sunsets and sunrises, wagging tails of your loyal dog, etc...)
"a friend supports you in the important things" (he has always been there for answers as I ask "what next?")

I am so glad I had this moment to consider my world of great friends and how blessed and full of joy I feel today.
So I mourn the loss of a relationship I discovered was not a friendship and I realize I was deceived by my need for a friend.
I am learning to rejoice in finding my life is TRULY FULL of Friends that lift and encourage and support. Today I feel very very blessed.