Nothing prepared me to see my mom like that... wheeled in from surgery, anesthesia coursing through her to keep her from feeling the full effects of the pain, pale from blood loss, mostly incoherent and moaning in pain. I took a deep breath and just looked at my mom but all I saw was my Grandmother, my mom's mom. My mind flashed back to a memory that has never left me. 8 year old me visiting my Grandma in the hospital before she passed. I remember being scared of the tubes, wires and the sick old lady passing from this life to the next. It is the most vivid memory I have of my Grandmother. And here she was again. I was a scared little girl once again. My dad was by mom's side, letting her know he was there and he loves her. I was back by the window unsure of my place in this room. Dad beckoned me over. Snapping back to the present, I tried hard to put the unsure scared little girl away and be a comfort to my parents. I touched my mom's hand and kissed her on the forehead.
7:30am that morning my mom had gone in for surgery. A tumor the size of a cantaloupe had attached to one of her kidneys. The past month from when she found out what was wrong with her until the day she went in for surgery has been a time of deep reflection and prayer for me and my entire family. I have had amazing moments with my mom, dad, siblings, my own kids and I have been lucky enough to re-connect to relatives I haven't spoken to in many many years. My great Uncle "Dutch" and my Aunt MaryEllen were just 2 of the people I was able to re-connect with.
When mom found out she had a mass, the first impression was just that this was it. My mom was going to be gone, was I ready? Was she? Were my kids? Had I spent enough time with her? (the answer was no to nearly all of those.)
But then , Mom received blessings. I am glad to belong to a family of faith. The 10 kids and cousins and grandkids and friends prayers started. The power of prayer is the most amazing and probably least understood power on the face of this earth. The diagnosis improved. No mass on the liver after all, just her kidney, she will be more likely to live. deep breath...
My sister Lisa called me. I felt her love and concern and hope that I could pass on her love for her mom. She asked me to be with mom and take good care of her. It was good to hear from Lisa.
Mom and Dad and I took my 5 year old along for a lunch at Olive Garden a couple of weeks ago. My mom was in good spirits. Enough so that she was wanting to toss her coaster across the room at a lady that looked grouchy at another table. "Doesn't she just need a good coaster to the head? When I do something uncalled for I can just act senile or I can just tell everyone I only have a few days to live or something and really play up this sick thing real good. The best is crying when telemarketers call and laying it on thick with them." She smiles her devlish grin my mom gets when she has some wicked fun thoughts in her head. Mom was still mom. Devilishly fun mom. I made some wise crack about cancer I thought was funny I don't remember now- since she was joking about dying I could joke too. Mom got serious... "we are not saying the "C" word. All it is, is a mass that needs to get out - that is all the power I am giving it - no more!" She didn't like my stupid comment. I got the message. Only positive thoughts. Got it!
My kids have been praying like mad for my mom. It's been sweet to talk to them about their grandma Pat and see the love they have for her. They all adore her.
Tuesday morning my mom went in for Surgery. I got a sub for most of my classes other than bootcamp and night Zumba and went to sit with my dad and hold his hand at the hospital. I treasured the time we spent together. I can't think of any time in my life where me and my dad have been able to just be together and talk for HOURS without anyone else. I do believe this was a first. It may be an only for all I know. So that time together was most precious to me. we enjoyed breakfast and lunch at the hospital cafeteria - by the way - really good food there for really cheap! I think I may have to take Bill out on a date to the Hospital cafeteria sometime soon. No one asked if we were there for anyone.
All my in laws were in town for my 8 year old son's baptism. They all
just happened to still be around when my mom went into surgery.
My Father in Law came to visit Dad and I as we were waiting. His wife had passed not to long ago from an aggressive cancer and he was concerned for my mother. I never realized how connected to all this he felt until I saw him there talking with my own dad about his experiences. He stayed with us until The doctor came to give us good news. Grandpa Ennis was relieved as much as my dad and I. I think he needed this as much as anyone else, maybe just to heal some wounds from his own sadness and heartache from not too long ago. and He went back to California.
3 hours is a looooong time to wait. at 10:30 my dad and I were both nervous and anxious. Every time a door opened with a doctor or nurse coming from the operation wing, dad and I were straining our necks to see if it was for us.
The Doctor finally came to report. Good news - the tumor is out! They removed one kidney, but that shouldn't be a problem. A rib was broken during surgery and that will mean a longer recovery and a lot of pain. But the best news of all - no cancer anywhere else in the body. The tumor was cancerous but it was not very aggressive as far as it had not attached to anything other than the kidney. There had been loss of blood, but she would be just fine.
Deep sigh....
My mom would be here for another day.
It looks like God has granted us more time together.
Yesterday my husband brought the kids to come see Grandma in the hospital right after she was out of surgery and recovery. I asked my mom how she felt about seeing them. "Not right now, not today, not like this." Good. I agree. I remembered the trauma all too well of seeing my grandma in that condition. I don't want my kids to see that right now. In a while she will feel better, her color will be back, her smile will return. I explained to my kids that Grandma had a serious surgery and was not able to see them just yet. Dane (8 years old) started to cry... "I don't want Gramma to die." Ilia had tears in her eyes.
"Oh kids... she is not going to die, not today, not this time. Heavenly Father heard our prayers. she will be fine and just needs to sleep and rest before she sees you. Maybe she can see you tomorrow or the next day. But, one day Grandma will go. She will want to see her Heavenly Father again. She will want to hold her little boy that has been in heaven for 50 years waiting for her. She will want to hug her daddy that died when she was little. and when that day comes, it will be a sad day and we will miss her. But that is not today. When that day comes you will know that she will be in one of the best places ever. But today, we just let her rest and we enjoy our time with her while we have her with us. we are pretty lucky that she moved out here just for you to spend time with you."
Conversations with my mom and dad about death have been
good. I want my mom to stay. I want my kids to know her more and I
think she is one of the greatest people on the planet. But I have had a
lifetime with her and I feel full.
Mom has a son, brothers,
half siblings, a mom and dad and so many others waiting to see her on
the other side. Every time I pray to keep my mom here with me, I feel
selfish. What about her son she lost when he was 4 years old? wouldn't
she want to see him again soon? what about her favorite brother or her
mom or her dad that passed when she was 8 years old. Don't they
deserve some time with her?
My mom is 73. She outlived the age
her mother passed. She has a great legacy. Death is not something I
wouldn't want for her at some point. I guess in God's time, not ours.
whatever that is.
I want for her.... whatever it is that my mom
wants for herself. and for now, it is just a little more time here to
finish a few things, hug some more grandkids and possibly serve a
mission. I hope for that for her.
For now, I just pray that she can figure out how to make her pain killer button work, you know the one she has on an IV that she just presses a button and more meds are administered. Yeah... I hope it works well for her. I plan on enjoying our one more day together.
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2 comments:
Right now we are watching my dad leave us - oh so slowly and he is fighting as much as he can, but I can see he is tiring. Over Thanksgiving, he made a comment to me about not wanting to leave when he felt so needed. I have been wondering if our "neediness" is selfishness that is doing more harm than good. But I don't want him to die while my boys are on their missions. I don't want them to not be able to say goodbye. I want my girls to have more time with their grandpa so they will remember him. We thought we were going to lose him over the summer. It was hard.
Thank you for this post. It has given me much to think about and help in knowing how to help my children through what will be a sad day.
Michele, how do you always put my feelings into words so well. Thanks your writing this and thank you for being there. It has been so hard knowing I need to be here not there. She has Been there for me for every hard thing I have had to pass through. I know how it feels to be the one waiting in the room for your spouse trying to be positive and scared to death something would go wrong. and I am glad you could be there for dad. I dont know if there is any way to prepare for Seeing someone come back from major surgery. They look one step away from death. I guess they were in a way. It is so hard to think of mom as weak even just physically. Never spiritually of course! They called and dad asked how Fede was recovering I said his legs still really hurt and immediately she was concerned about who had gotten hurt. She could still barely talk after getting the tubes out of her throat. Still worrying About us kids. I for one am not ready for her to go. I need fiori to have memories of this wonderful grandma who held her constantly her first 2 weeks of life. I had been feeling kind of selfish about them going on a mission. I wanted them at my beck and call. But compared to being called back to The Lord I guess I can let her serve a mission. Maybe. She was so sure she would be ok. Once again I am leaning on her strength to believe that she will be fine.
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