Michelle's swim support story for 2012 Ironman St. George

It looked like it was going to be a perfect Ironman race day.  Bill and I woke up at 3:30am to load up and head out to Sand Hollow Reservoir with our Kayaks and Paddleboards.  Had our regular meetings and split up into group.  There were roughly 60 kayakers/Paddleboarders.  PLUS they had a big group of Lifeguards about 20 or so also on their paddle boards, almost all of them were first time paddleboarders used to life guarding from a tower at a pool.  There were several boats and a handful of jetskis.  we were well equipped to handle this swim in normal conditions.
At the early morning meeting we were told that several hundred were doing their first Ironman and to be ready for those that underestimate the swim.  It is the most dangerous portion of the race for those under prepared.  Our job as Paddle support was to be in the thick of the swimmers pretty much in the way if necessary and be with them to pick them up and signal for a jet ski or boat to take them.

So we paddles get in position.
The sun was rising beautifully, I am on the water on my paddleboard that the night before I was doing Yoga on the same board on the same lake in calm water.

This is going to be a fun day and I am looking forward to paddling and helping out.  Although I do take my job seriously, I also have a blast out there doing swim support.  I've helped with many triathlons and know what to do.

 The music is going I'm standing and dancing on my board and enjoying the party.  The Ironman speaker system is pumping out some great tunes and the announcer is having a great time playing it up - good party!

 My husband and I are with the big group toward the starting line.  In fact the paddlers are asked to mark the starting line and push the swimmers into position between the starting buoys marking the correct place to start.  I happen to be the kind of person that takes my job seriously when we do swim support.  After the Pro racers take off, we were asked to keep the other athletes/swimmers behind the starting line, between the buoys and those that were warming up needed to do so in the proper areas as designated.  LOL!  yeah... try to tell them that.  I did.  While most of the athletes follow instructions and were in the proper starting area, there were a handful telling me to "chill out lady"  "it's not a big deal."    Sorry folks it is a big deal!  You are in a freaking Ironman race!  If you start out 20 meters in front of the starting line and you get out of the water 10 meters in front of someone in your division - yeah - you suck!  Follow the rules people - this is not a hippie race/free for all.  Swim support was given a job to do and that was to help enforce the rules the athletes signed a line and said they would follow.  Some guy swimming for his warm up way past the starting line (where he was not supposed to be warming up) was heading back toward the start  I was doing my job near the start line yelling at athletes to get back and inside the start lines.  when this swimmer is heading my way out of nowhere... I tried to quickly maneuver out of his way ... and I yelled at him to watch out.  He was in the thick of the Kayakers and he hits the side of my paddleboard with his head and goes under me flailing.  when he gets his head up he looks at me and holds up his hand in a gesture that says "  $%#@, lady, what the %^&#$"  He actually didn't say a word.  I yelled at him "Duude -sorry I tried tell you..."  I'm sure he blames me for any lack of success he may have encountered. 

I hear the announcer say "Remember athletes - the only thing you have control over today is your attitude..."

Then the race starts.
The Ironman is a tough race.  One of the toughest events in the world.  The athletes swim 2.2 miles then get on their bikes and ride over 100 miles and then finish the race running a marathon.  I feel like I am in Pretty good shape - but I have never done any of these things on their own.  doing them back to back takes someone who is more than just "good shape"  it takes amazing strength, endurance and mental prowess.  It really is a test of mental toughness as much as physical skill.  No one should EVER sign up for an Ironman race without knowing first that they are in for one of the toughest days of their life.  They sign a waiver that says they are fully aware they could lose their life doing the Ironman.
Most first time Ironman athletes completely underestimate the difficulty of the swim.  As swim support we are warned that the biggest danger is not drowning - it is the adrenaline rush and panicking that is the most dangerous. A few hundred Yard from the starting line is the BUSIEST place for swim support - not nearly finished when you would think we would be pulling the most swimmers.  Nope it's at the start when their nerves are too dangerous to be able to complete the swim.

The athletes are allowed to hold onto swim support vessels as long as there is no forward motion.  We cannot paddle forward or they are disqualified.  We were told to expect mild wind about 9mph.  no sweat, I can do that.

The swimmers are off and the pros are way out in front and going strong and steady.  We are in the thick of the rest of the athletes - many never having done something like this in their life.  Swimmers are all over the place swimming in every direction.  We are correcting courses telling people to turn around and head the other way.  I had stop a few people actually swimming backward and tell them to go forward.  One woman that was swimming back toward the start line and struggling for breath I paddled over to her and asked if she was ok, told her she was going the wrong direction and she was bewildered.  "I don't know what's wrong with me, Swimming is MY event.  I am an amazing swimmer, I should be able to do this, what's wrong with me?"
Me: is this your first Ironman?
Her: yes.
Me: are you nervous?
Her: VERY! (and she laughs)
Me:  Your biggest danger is your fear, you need to calm down.  you have 2 more miles.  do you think you can continue for 2 more miles of this?
Her: yes I can
Me: I will be watching you.
Her: Ok, thanks
She takes some time holding onto my board to catch her breath, calm down and collect herself...and she heads off.


Then the wind slammed us!
I had been sitting on my board - not standing.  I felt a little nervous but I could handle this.  I am a strong paddler and have never fallen off my board in the wind when I am sitting on it - ever!  I am a crappy swimmer though.  I am watching these swimmers really struggle as the wind picks up and produces swells one after another 4-5 feet high.  This is not the ocean, it's worse.  Waves in the ocean give you a break between them.  We were experiencing wind around 40 miles per hour.  Boats were rocking and in danger of being capsized and we paddlers were being pushed around.  Our bodies were sails for our vessels we were on.

 As I would paddle to one swimmer after another checking on their status as they struggled to catch their breath between swells I would have to back paddle HARD to make sure the wind didn't push me forward as they held onto my board.

Someone asked me if it would have been a benefit to have the wind pushing the swimmers forward and it must have been nice for them having the wind at their back as they swam that first leg.  The problem was they could not see the next swell coming their way over their heads as they gasped for air.  They were gulping water and struggling for breath.  So no, it was not easy.  The paddlers were struggling as well as we fought the wind pushing us around and sometimes away from swimmers calling for help.  It took serious arm strength to paddle in hard to assist a swimmer.  I was glad I was able to help 4 swimmers get to a jetski.  I never have pulled that many swimmers out personally from the water.  I was on my way to assist another swimmer when "WHAM" I was off my board and hit in the head as my board flipped over me and I watched it get tossed away be the wind.  I was pummeled by a big swell.  CRAP!  My PFD (personal flotation device) was on the board not on me and it was gone with the board.  I was in the water with swimmers and now I needed rescued too.  Unlike the Ironman athletes I had NOT trained for any kind of swimming event.  In fact I have a serious fear of deep water and I was in trouble.

Let me be the first to say it - yes I was stupid and did not wear my life vest.  I really had been used to my wetsuit being enough buoyancy and I was a proud of my ability to stay on my board.  This event humbled me.  You can be sure next time I do swim support - I will be wearing that bulky ugly vest of mine.
 I was embarrassed that I had fallen off my board.  That was my first emotion.  Very quickly came the next feeling - Panic!  "CRAP!  I am a lousy swimmer" 
 It's funny how fast thoughts can go through your head in a manner of seconds...
"I can't believe I was tossed off my board."
"people must think I am a fool"
"Shoot, I suck at swimming."
"I could drown"
"I can't catch my breathe"
all sorts of muddled panicking thoughts
"I can't swim, I can't swim, I can't swim...."
I see 3 kayaks heading my way to rescue me - one of them is my husband.
"crap - they should be doing their job and rescuing swimmers - not me"
"calm down Michelle - Calm down - the first rule of survival is Don't panic"
LOL - we learn that in first aid right - Rule number one - Don't panic!
Also for those of us that are Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fans we all know the first rule of "don't Panic!"
I try swimming but I am holding onto my paddle and someone's wetsuit swim cap they tossed I had picked up in the wate. The wind and waves are pummeling me.  I have no idea why I didn't let go of the swim cap.  I didn't even think about it for some reason.  That is kind of funny now that I look back.  I was worried about saving a stupid wet suit cap.  weird.
I am swimming as hard as I can holding onto these things.  I had already been paddling hard and now I was swimming hard as I could using all my power to try and get to the closest Kayak to me.  He is struggling against the wind and swells to get to me as well.
"I could die out here."
He throws me a PFD and I swim to it hard and hold on tight.  I yell at my husband off in the distance. "I'M OK!" and I give him a thumbs up.  I knew once I had that floatie - I would be ok.  I was now just fine.  I think... but maybe not...  not sure.  Still not a good place to be out there.  The Kayaker moves in finally and tells me to hold on while he maneuvers over to another kayaker that had been tossed over by the wind and swells.  It seemed like forever just holding on and pushing against the elements to get to the other kayaker in the water.  The guy that rescued me asks if I can pull myself into his kayak,  I pull and pull and maneuver and keep trying.  I am again embarrassed because I know I can do this.  I can't figure out why I can't pull my own self up in his kayak.  It sucks!
We finally get to the other guy in the water and he is hanging onto his kayak for dear life.  He also can't pull himself back in and is exhausted from all that paddling against the wind.  My rescuer tells me to hang onto this man's kayak with him and see if we can assist each other back in while he paddles back out to help more swimmer, lifeguards and kayakers struggling in the water.   It's all we can do to hang onto each other across the Kayak and help keep each other up.  My arm strength is spent from all that paddling, swimming and trying to pull myself up for that long.  My husband kayaks over  in his 2 seater vessel and says, "Michelle I need your help. Climb into my kayak.  I need help paddling.  My arms are exhausted and I could use your help."  I consider it and try to maneuver myself.  I can't.  I just can't  I think about those swimmers and how badly they need our support out there.  "I can't Bill,  I am spent."  I feel absolutely guilty and awful that I am useless in the water.
I continue to hang onto the other Kayaker's arm.  and hope and Pray for my husband that he can do his job and not worry about me.  I am scared more than I have ever been for all those swimmers.  I see kayakers all over getting ssed out of their boats.  I asked the guy (Ken) if he would mind if I prayed.  "please do..."  "Dear God, we, are scared.  Please help those swimmers out there. and also us and the other swim support - please bless us all with safety on this crazy water.  In Jesus name, amen."  "amen."  we decided to let the wind push us back to land while hanging onto each other.  It's a long way back and we are both in the cold water for quite a while.  Ken starts heaving over onto my side of the kayak.  His puke landing next to me in the water.  At first I am a little grossed out and then I laugh at the odd humor of it all.   I had been hoping to be hanging out in my swimsuit and relaxing on my board by now.  Instead I have Ken's puke drifting around me in the water as we cling to each other for dear life.  I am actually laughing and telling Ken "let it out my friend" in a manner much like the character in Mystery Men  - the invisible boy would have said.  I think I'm funny.

After quite sometime hanging onto each other I finally feel like I have some strength returning to me and I pull myself into the kayak.  But the wind starts tossing me and using my body like a sail.  So I drop back into the water realizing that we are safer if I stay low and out of the wind.   Ken is just trying not to puke again. 

I'm not sure how much time passed before Ken and I drift into shore.  I see several  big boats and loads of kayaks and paddleboards all lining the beach.

We were not the only ones tossed. I am no longer embarrassed. I head to the sheriff's trailer to get warmed up and out of my cold clothes.  Other boaters and kayakers are there sharing their stories.  All of us are looking at the water and nervous about those swimmers.  We realize that the majority of swim support is no longer on the water.
This means that those 1700 swimmer (give or take) covering 2 miles of a tough swim only have a few kayaks a few jet skis and a few boats.  It's not good and there is NOTHING those of us on shore can do.  So we had a prayer.  There was a group of us in the trailer that decided to say a prayer that there would be no loss of life - a real possibility in these conditions. We asked God to watch over the swimmers for us since we no longer could.
There were tears shed by several swim support volunteers whose hearts were still on the water.  (I'll admit - I was one of the tear shedders).

I looked around the crowd of stranded swim support and we started sharing stories.
The air was filled with the sound of Kayakers and lifeguards blowing their whistles calling over help.  NEVER have heard that many emergency whistles being blown.  Kayaks were being swamped by swimmers that were panicking.  One kayaker said her vessel had 10 swimmers hanging onto it and she couldn't even paddle.  She was blowing her whistle over and over to try and get help when one swimmer panicked and tried to jump in her kayak with her - capsizing the boat and endangering everyone's lives.

More similar stories are shared. We are hanging out by the south beach ramp and boats are bringing swimmers in by the dozens.  I have never witnessed anything like this before.  The swimmers are waiting to get on buses to take them back to the transition.  I see the woman that held onto my craft at the start.  I go over and hug her.  She gives me a big smile "I guess I wasn't ready for this after all."  I point to the crowd and say "me too!"  we laugh a little together.  Then I overhear some athletes say "THEY SHOULD CANCEL THIS!  THIS IS AWFUL!  NO ONE CAN SWIM IN THIS!"  He's angry and yelling.  So many athletes are being hauled away in buses - This has never happened.  400 athletes are pulled from the water - some of their own choice and some had no choice but were asked to get out.  Some are angry, some are grateful.  Some are just too exhausted to feel anything for now.

So many different emotions from all the athletes.  again the words of the announcer at the start come to mind. "remember the only thing you have any control over today is your attitude."  So true.

I look for my husband among the standed paddlers, I can't find him anywhere.  I see really experienced kayakers that have been tumbled to shore.  But I don't see Bill anywhere or his kayak.  I realize my husband is one of a handful of kayaks left on the water.  I know his physical strength and his determined spirit is keeping him out there - not letting the wind beat him.

I am embarrassed that I couldn't do what I said I could do.  I am dissappointed in myself for not doing what I said I would do.  and I feel like I let people down that were counting on me to do what I said I could do.
I wonder if this is a little of what a Disqualified Ironman athlete feels?

I see 3 paddlers coming in - Walt a Professional boater/kayaker, Mike Caifa the leader of the whole Kayak support crew and amazing kayaking professional with loads of exeprience on the water, and then I see Bill.  I run to him and hug and kiss him.  I am impressed.  Out of 60 kayakers and paddlers I saw only 3 return safely to shore in their kayak after the race was over.  I have no idea if there were more out there til the end.  But this was all I saw return back having been able to accomplish the entire swim portion of the race as swim support.

We just had our own version of an Ironman.

1700 swimmers hit the water, 400 were pulled and 1300 made it around and swam the entire 2 miles in rough water.  wow!

So the question: Why didn't they cancel the swim portion of the Ironman?

My personal view:
You just don't do that.  This is the freaking Ironman.  Many of these athletes have travelled the globe to test their skill.  Many are used to swimming in the ocean and have trained in more difficult situations than what we desert dwellers witnessed.  1300 swimmers made it.  What do you tell those 1300 people that accomplished this.  Plus - how do you just cancel?   The weather was great when we started.  the swimmers are in the water and the support is having more difficulty than the swimmers are.  if you cancel the swim - you still have swimmers out there with very little support and they all have to make it back.  If they can swim it- they should swim it! 1300 swimmers are glad the swim was not canceled.


Would I do it again?  Absolutely!  But next time I will wear my life vest.  I also plan on swimming more this year and practicing pulling myself up in the water.

I hate swimming.  I guess I need to learn to love it if I am going to be able to do the job I signed up for.  right?

after the swim....
Bill and I went home and took a LOOOOOONG nap. Then we prepped for a night at running aid station number one - next to the finish line.  we gathered up the kids, packed some food, blankets and water and headed out the door for our final round of Ironman volunteering.  I've never done this with all 5 of my kids.  We are signed up for 6-midnight.  Let's see if this works.

Awesome.  I love the excitement!  I see familiar faces from the water and found out that the Ironman officials allowed the hundreds pulled from the water to continue the race without their race chips. They will be able to cross the finish line but will not qualify for any awards.  I thought that was cool.

My kids, my husband and I were handing out water, coke, and wet sponges to runners as they jogged past.  The cutest thing was watching my 4 year old so eager to help holding the "Perform" cups (a drink kind of like Gatorade) and yelling out to the runners to take a drink.  Of course he's adorable - He's 4.  Runners would stop and take a drink from him and smile and tell him thanks.  He was beaming.  Later on that night he told me he wanted to go run too.  So I took his hand and we jogged about a block away.  I pretended that a sign on the road was the finish line and He and I cheered until he saw more runners go past us.  It was about 10:00pm so the runners were few and far between by now.  But my little boy was angry at me.  "That's not the real finish line! I want to run to the REAL finish line."
LOL!  I love that he was inspired by these athletes to want to cross a finish line.  So we start again.  I grab his hand and we run alongside another Ironman athlete that laughs as he says "I just got beat by a kid and his mom"  he was smiling, we were smiling.  We ran as close as we could to the finish line before we swerved off to the side and went to the stands to watch the other runners come in.  It was awesome!  All that cheering, all that emotion, all that relief and sweat and tears and laughter.  Man, I love this stuff.  I think I am a junkie.
Ferrell says "MOM, IT'S TOO LOUD! LET'S GO BACK!"

:)

Throughout the run portion I have people telling me "Hi - wow, your everywhere."  Bill comes up to me and and says he almost gave a woman a pat on the butt til he realized it wasn't me.  People all over the place I have never met are saying HI like I should know them.  apparently there is another 30 something woman out there with bleached blonde hair and a pink faux hawk, wearing silver earrings, no make-up, and athletic build.  her name is Jamie.  we find each other.  I have a new facebook Buddy.  I recognize her from the running circuit as a woman that has kicked my butt in another race at some point.  and I remember thinking I liked her hair.  But it wasn't pink then.

Another friend running the Ironman stops by the aid station for some chicken broth and coke or something -  Ben Ford.  We start talking about the swim portion.  He wonders what the big deal was.  he was just fine.  Sure it was tough but not that bad and he did just fine and finished strong in the water.

Another runner comes by -I don't know him but he recognizes me from swim support and thanks me for being on the water that morning.  I walk with him a little way and we talk about the craziness of the water. He tells me someone died.  I feel sick to my stomache.  I am not surprised if that happened but I am angry that I couldn't have stopped that.  I tell my husband and he calls Mike Caifa and verifies that that was actually just a rumor.  All the athletes were accounted for.  some were missing for a while - just didn't check in when pulled from the water.  But they tracked everyone down and there were No lives lost on the water.  I count it as a miracle and the sickness in my stomache goes away.  I wish I could run after the other athlete and tell him.  But He is long gone by then.

My 14 year old son is all smiles as he works next to a cute girl handing out water.

My buddies show up with DRUMS!  YAY!  African drumming starts going and I can't sit still.  the party get started again.  The sun is down, the air is cooling and runners are exhausted.  then they hear the drum the Sanderson's brought and they start dancing past our aid station.  I dance with a few of them.  It's a party again.

11:30 - the last runner goes by but they have another 3 miles to go to the finish.  we are done.  I have kids asleep on the ground with pillows and blankets.

We get home after midnight.  What an amazing party.  I may not be one of the elite athletes doing the race.  But I most certainly enjoyed the day and am physically and emotionally exhausted when it it all over.  Today (Sunday) the day after - I can hardly talk and my elbow and legs are very sore.  But I am inspired, excited and motivated by the skill and determination I saw during Ironman.  What a day!

Legalized Bullying...

Broadcast Music Incorporated is the legalized Mafia... no really. BMI has been calling and trying to get me to pay the legally due music license fee that all business must pay in order to play certain artists music in their place of business. it's law. SO J-lo, Pibull, Shakira... yeah. I have to pay to play their music even though I bought their music. My business is small and I have been trying to save my money to pay my dues. in the meantime I have done my best to remove BMI represented artists from my playlists. Here is the conversation that I had the other day after already receiving threatening calls... BMI rep (start out in a nice professional tone): I am calling today to find out when you are going to pay the music lisence fee that is legally due. Me: I am so glad you called. I wanted to let you know I have been working on removing BMI represented artists from my playlists. BMI: that's impossible ME: actually it's not. It is hard and time consuming but not impossible. I just type a song into your search engine and then remove it if it pops up as one you represent. BMI (angry voice): there are millions of songs and songwriters that we represent. It is nearly impossible to find music we don't represent. Where are you finding your music? ME: I would rather not give you my resources for my non BMI represented music. and it is not impossible - just tough. But I am doing it. BMI: Send me your current playlist so that I can double check and make sure you are complying. ME: I don't think so. I would rather not send you the list I have worked hard to create only to have BMI turn around and contact those artists and songwriters so they can represent them and then negate all my efforts and time. BMI: I don't have the time to call everyone on your playlist! that's not my job. I just want to double check to make sure you are obeying the law. ME: and then you will take my list to someone else at your office whose job it IS to contact artists they don't represent yet and see if you can represent them as well. BMI: I won't do that. I just need your playlist. That's the only we we can make sure you are obeying the law. ME: I will trust you as much as you trust me. You know what else is against the law - selling crack cocaine. I hope the police trust I am not doing that and don't need to search my home regularly to make sure I am complying with the law that says I should not sell hard drugs. So glad the Local police officers don't use the same method you do to make sure I comply with the law. can you imagine. tell you what, since you are so dedicated to making sure I obey the law, why don't you come over to my home and search it for hard drugs too just to make sure I am not breaking any laws? BMI: (Laughs a little condescending laugh) - that isn't my job Me: You're right and it isn't the local police officers' job either. so I would appreciate it if you would also quit calling me. BMI: Well we WILL be calling you regularly to make sure you are complying until I get that play list. ME: so you are going to Harass a law abiding citizen until they pay their nuisance fee? sounds like the mafia to me. BMI: (think Godfather)Everybody pays ma'am. Me: tell you what... You call me again, I am recording our conversations and letting a lawyer know about the Harassment that is the BMI business method. I hung up. Yesterday I got a call from the BMI Legal department trying to once again scare me into paying a debt that I don't legally owe as I have been finding music they don't represent. I need the word passed around to everyone what BMI is and what their tactics are. My husband - the artist - gets paid ONCE when a business owner buys a painting to hang in any place of business. he doesn't get paid yearly for the business owner to have the RIGHT to allow their clients to view his artwork. My friend Hart Wixom the writer does not get paid when his books that someone legally purchased decides to sell it to a bookstore or donate it to a library. Other places of business do not have to pay other types of artists annual fees to use the items they created. Truth is, these songwriters and musicians should be paying me! When I played their music in my studio my clients ask me "who is this?" I would tell them and they would go out and BUY the music. I should be charging an advertising fee. Alas, no. instead musicians have gotten an act of congress to pad their pockets so small business owner like me can be bullied and hounded by corporations like BMI. I also told BMI that my business was small. I am barely covering my bills and paying my trainers. I sometimes don't even pay myself. It will take some time before I can save the money needed to pay the fee they demand. as one BMI representative said as I explained my plight and my argument: "it would take an act of congress to change things. You and I talking on the phone isn't going to change anything for you. you still need to pay up." That is what angers me - that congress had gotten involved in small business so much. that songwriters thinking they aren't making enough money had to take it up with congress to change things for them. Congress should have never been involved. Now BMI acts as a legalized Mafia with the backing of congress. how do you fight it?

Merry X-MORE

Christians adopted this Christams Holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ - most Christians recognize that the actual birthdate of Jesus Christ was in April. But as a Christian - I too use December 25th as a reason to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I am still trying to figure out how Black Friday Madness and Christmas relate to each other. We do NOT owe it to help the economy to go Christmas shopping for new TV's so Walmart and Target and Ikea can stay in business. They will be just fine without you loading up on stuff you feel you need to buy for everyone on your shopping list this year. Jesus taught that giving to others was important... ok, I got that. SO... I load up on crap no one really needs and spend more money than my mortgage and let my kids learn that they are worth it! RIGHT? Sheesh - get real people! I was talking to one woman a few years ago that was struggling to put food on the table, her husband lost his job and they could hardly make ends meet. Her son's only request for Christmas was some electronic device (ipad or ipod or iwant or something... I can't remember what) that at the time cost roughly $200. This mother was in tears trying to figure out just how she was going to get it for her son who in years past has always gotten the item he asked for. Try this for a change - "no". Our family has been in financial roller coaster mode for many years. we have lean times and we have times of plenty. It has always been like that for the past 10 years. It really really really (did I say really enough?) bothers me when people ask me, "does your family need help for Christmas?" Let me ask you - Are you going to come over and play the piano while we sing Carols? Or do you want to deal the cards during a game of Rook or Phase 10? How about you help in our Christmas by keeping score on the score pad for our games? The best way you could help my family with Christmas this year, stop by and say hello. Leave a card that reminds me year after year of the friendship and love that we have. The best Christmases we have ever had have been small and few with the gifts. For Christmas this year, when you ask me, do you need help with Christmas? The answer is yes... buy less stuff for your own family. teach your kids something about true service and sacrifice. So many Americans feel like if they want something they should be able to just get it. There is no sense of sacrifice and doing without when times are hard. we as Americans need to learn to do that! live without until our parents on Capitol Hill can get their finances under control. quit asking for more when they can't afford it. and we as parents need to quit giving stuff to our kids and encouraging this entitlement cycle that carries on into adulthood! how does this all translate to when they grow up? These kids go occupy wall street and ask for more and more and more. while hard working business owners figure out how to make ends meet paying all the taxes and fees and dues keep a small business up and running while legislation comes down from the parents on capitol hill trying they can pay for these requests from spoiled kids. The Traditional wacky American view on Christmas is one of the biggest reasons we are in trouble in our nation. Parents can't say no to their kids because they want to win their love. Politicians want to win our hearts and votes and they promise to give us whatever we ask for. we grow up as kids feeling like Christmas should be about being able to get the items we want. we make Wish lists for Santa and on Christmas morning - we better have it dammit! As adults we expect our nation to take care of us - we have wish lists of medical bills and special programs that someone else's tax dollars better pay for dammit! Our finances in this nation are a wreck and it comes down to how we individually choose to live. we feel like the government needs to give us a good Christmas - pay our medical bills, pay our mortgages, pay for our food and pay our wages. our government parent is drowning in debt. you spoiled kids need to stop asking for things your mom can't afford for you. Christmas should be about changing your world as Jesus did.All BIG change starts small, it starts in your home. I wonder how much Jesus carried around with him as he went healing the sick, feeding the hungry, comforting the poor in spirit. Make a change to celebrate HIS birth. Instead of asking for more from Washington, tell them that you are independent and can take care of your own needs. Tell your kids they can live without something big and extravagant. teach your kids how to serve and work. try cleaning up a widow's yard for Christmas. or go out and find a service project to celebrate Christmas. The answer to the question "Do you guys need any help this year with Christmas?" the answer I guess is YES I do! Instead of buying your kids and friends and family pretty new shiny things - Buy a goat or a mosquito net for someone in a 3rd world country. I can't get the link to work - copy and paste into your browser: http://www.samaritanspurse.org/GiftCatalog2011/

It's out...

Word has gotten out that my husband and I are losing our home. I want to take a minute to clarify, vent and set things straight. it's been a 3 year old story full of lies and deception. oh ok, so it's not that exciting. But trust me, there is that going on. in the spring of 2004 we bought our home at the height of the real estate market when everything was selling for outrageously high prices. Bill had had a few amazing years with his design business and my Creative Memories business was doing better than ever. we decided that we could afford a bigger home, move Bill's office in to save money on office space rent and move my business larger workshops in to save money on rent fees I was paying Hotels. Buying the big house and paying a larger mortgage made sense. a few year later... business started to struggle. we were paying our bills - barely. But we were scraping by. times were really really hard when the economy started to crash for everyone they cut back on paying designers and so my husband's work was affected. my home party sales began to decline. people just weren't spending $300 on scrapbooking supplies at parties anymore. so my business was affected as well. A friend of Bill's worked for a company that advertised they would do all the dirty work for you to get a loan re-modification and help us reduce our mortgage by more than 1/2. It sounded great! We paid the company a couple thousand dollars and started the process. Our mortgage company said we were not eligible for a re-modification since we paid our mortgage. we would have to miss a few months of payments in order to qualify. so, we missed a few months. suddenly we had a red flag and were able to get the help we needed. around this time the above mentioned company our friend worked for that was going to do all the dirty work for us... yeah... well, they went out of business. The money we paid them was gone and we were now in this struggle with our mortgage company to re-modify our loan. On our first run of submitting the initial paperwork the mortgage company says "great looks like we can try out a trial payment amount of several hundred dollars off on your mortgage. go ahead and start paying the new reduced amount while we go through this re-modification process." YAY - right? To be fair and honest, Bill and I are not the most organized people on the planet. Neither one of us is excellent at paperwork. And since we both work for ourselves - paperwork... well... ugh... it's not our strong point. We received the list of all the items the mortgage company needed from us and we began the arduous task of compiling everything, catching up on past months of income and expense reports, finding things we had misfiled (or never filed). It was not fun. faxing in documents... waiting... we get the response from the mortgage company :"there was a missing item we need you to start over." Starting over means that you cannot just resend the same stuff. the last three months have shifted, they want new signature dates on the bottom of documents, they want all new and shiny papers. faxing.... waiting... we get the response: " you were a day late - start over." we start over. faxing... waiting.... we get a response " we are missing a new item they needed that wasn't on the list - start over..." 3 years later... of pure hell with them dragging it out. Every time we have to redo paperwork we have to take time out of work to get it done, or we are up late and tired the next day or we are yelling at each other over dinner. Like I said - not a fun time. It costs us time and money to re-submit everything over and over. it costs us aggravation and stress in our relationship. It is tears wondering if we are going to be able to live in the same house or not. we were wondering and had it drag on for a LOOOOONG time. End of July 2011 - we get a notice on our door that our home is going up for auction August 18th. Bill calls and tries to sort things out and they give us one last chance to "get it right". They give us a date when all the paperwork needs to be in. we take time off work. we lost money and clients. But we dotted every "i" and crossed every "T" and checked and triple checked our work to make sure we did everything they asked and didn't forget a single "yes maam" or signature or period or comma. I mean seriously it toodk days to pull the final chance to get it right for them. Faxed it in a day early - WHEW! YAY! we should be good. everything was just as it was supposed to be. we beat the deadline and we did it all right! YAY! we went out to celebrate that it would be over and we would be ok. waiting... guess what...? NOPE! Sorry! They decided to reject us! Not based on the information provided. technically we should qualify for a re-modification. Guess why they rejected us in the end? no really guess.... BECAUSE THEY TOLD US THE WRONG DATE TO SUBMIT OUR PAPERWORK! We had a couple of days before our home was going up for auction and we were out of ideas. So we went to a lawyer - Nathan Reeves - great guy if you need someone by the way. he gave us a couple of ideas 1 - we could walk away and just let them take the house and pack super fast 2 - we could fight the mortgage company - pay for a restraining order plus legal fees and battle the empire for an expensive drawn out battle we aren't guaranteed to win. it could cost us 10's of thousands of dollars in the end. and we still might lose the home 3 - we could file bankruptcy and buy us some time. we decided to buy us some time. So we have a few months left in our home and then we either walk away or the mortgage company comes back and decides to work with us. I recently found out that the stimulus act pays mortgage companies for foreclosures. Now that is stimulating! I am so stimulated I could punch someone. I am about as stimulated as a bull in shoot getting a shot of stimulus before being let out of that shoot with its rider. I used to be embarrass by the idea that we could lose our home. I am beyond that. I am angry. I would be embarrassed if we had not been able to pay the agreed upon amount for our mortgage. BUT we were paying the amount the mortgage company told us to pay. Here is the other "FUNNY" thing: we currently owe more on our house NOW then we did when we first bought it almost 8 years ago. with interest and fees the mortgage company decided to tack onto our bill for neglect to pay... yeah right.... we now over 280,000 when we purchased it for 270,000 it's only worth about 120,000 in the current market. so, I am ready to be done. I am ready to walk away from this mess. screw em! I'm done. how dare they? The really really sad story? numerous neighbors have had almost identical stories. some have walked away, some have fought and won, some have been kicked out. We ren't the only ones. It is the new AMERICAN story. and it sucks! we are currently packing and downsizing. I figure if we need to leave the home I planned on living in forever, we may as well get something substantially smaller now that our needs have changed. Bill has his studio for work and it is better for him. I have changed my business focus completely and no longer work at home. we've also been using nearly just half the house and have been renting the basement out. so, yeah. downsizing just makes sense right now. needless to say - we are in the market for a new place to live. If you know of a 3 bedroom home that allows a dog and is in the Hurricane Valley for about $600-$700/month (give or take) - let me know. k - thanks. I do not feel sad. I feel good about the idea of moving on. in fact, I'm not so sure I want to work with the bank again if they come back and say they will work with us. I want out of this mess and I want to go on with my life. and that is the story of why the Ennis family is "losing" their home when their current businesses are thriving and they are paying their bills. it makes no sense. but it is what it is.

Happy birthday to me! - oh and Ferrell too...

Today I turn 38 years old. Tomorrow my youngest kid turns 4. I was just reflecting on things I love about birthdays. I once had a friend that cried and cried on her 30th birthday because she feared aging. I celebrate. I celebrate another year of Life granted to me. I celebrate life experiences. I celebrate being an older business woman that gets looked at differently than a 25 year old business woman. I remember being told by a client when I was 25 that I would not be able to understand her plight and that I could not possibly know what I was talking about since I was soooo young. So thanks goodness to be getting nearer and nearer to 80 when maybe just maybe I can get some respect. LOL! (yeah, right. - I think that ideas went away with the purple hair). 4 years ago I was over 200 pounds pregnant with my youngest baby and crying to just be able to go into labor for my birthday. I prayed and prayed to God that this child in me would come soon. I was overdue to deliver, broke, and tired. for my birthday that year all I wanted and all we could barely afford was an ultrasound to see if all was well with this baby inside me. all the technician said was 'wow. I'm not supposed to say much. but I can say this... it looks like a big kid. and if you want to know the gender, I can't tell. the baby is ready, head down and looks to be big," at midnight on my birthday I went into labor. Best birthday present ever! Ferrell was born the next morning. It was a monstrous 11 pound baby boy. I had a great midwife and delivered in my own bedroom on the floor. A huge thank you to Lori Wrankle for keeping me safe, and for moving me how I needed to move to get that big guy out without any cutting needed. I adore you! SO today - we are celebrating our combined birthdays. I love the peace and solitude of LDS General conference weekend on my birthday. what a treasure I have to hear the prophet of God and the apostles. I also love that the St. George Marathon is also on my birthday weekend and I get to be inspired by amazing people that don't let the world tell them they can't do something. I love how my life has changed these past 4 years. the greatest gift I have today - change. Change is an amazing amazing thing to embrace and cherish. I have found new friends over the past few years that have taught me never to say never. I have a new body that has taught me that I am stronger than I thought. I have a new attitude that has taught me that joy is better than perfection. I have a new perspective on my marriage that has taught me that my life with my companion is better and happier and more amazing than a life without him. I have a new business that has taught me anything is possible and people are amazing! Today I am 38. Ferrell is 4 tomorrow. I am happier, healthier and feel more capable than I have ever been in my entire life. now where's that cake? by the way - never name a kid after something wild and untamed.

my soapbox for the day...

hero worship is a dangerous thing. By that, I mean putting anyone here on this earth in a place of higher importance than yourself. Celebrities, political leaders, religious leaders, business icons... etc.... they are all human. Only God deserves that place of worship. I have seen it at conventions for network marketing companies - someone has made a financial success of themselves and suddenly they are surrounded with admirers that think so highly of them and want to take photos with them and put them on this weird pedestal of creating an idol of that individual. Celebrities that have been in a few successful movies are suddenly worshipped for their ability to act and become our role models? Religious leaders are held on a pedestal and expected to be perfect and flawless? Business leaders become experts on everything? in Business - I remember talking with someone at one of these business conventions that many had placed on this crazy pedestal and she gave me some great advice. I was what was called a "unit Leader" in a company called Creative Memories and was attending a National Convention where all those amazing leaders are recognized on stage and guest speakers and performers come and there is all this great hype to get you excited to drive forward in your business. During a lunch break at one of these conventions I challenged myself to find a table with someone I respected or looked like they were a success and join their table. So I found this woman, Vicki Morgan, she was one of those women that was at the very forefront of the company's growth. She was making more money in a month than I did in a year combined with my husband. She was someone I wanted to pick her brain and get all the secrets from. I learned one amazing secret - she was a human being just like me. I was so nervous to talk to her and stumbled over my questions to her. She sensed my weird nervousness and told me that she was no different than me, just older and had been working hard at it longer than me. and she cautioned me about idolizing anyone. she said" when you put someone else on a pedestal, you are putting yourself below them as if you cannot do what they have done." That has always stayed with me. in religion - I had an experience with a Bishop in my church back when I was 21 yrs old that I felt made a wrong decision that directly affected me. I was so thrown by what I believed to be his bad call that I let it affect my belief that God wanted him as a bishop for that ward. It effected me so greatly at the time that I considered leaving the church I knew to be true. Later I came to the realization that although called of God - these men of God are also just men doing their best and my job was to handle my grievances better than I did then. To put them on a pedestal of someone incapable of mistakes is to allow yourself to be thrown completely for a loop when something isn't as you think it should be. in life - I have often admired experts - especially female leaders: Oprah Winfrey, Tosca Reno, Suzie Orman and Jillian Micheals. I admire their drive, leadership, business sense, expertise in their fields, etc... and for a while I made a mistake of holding them up on a pedestal. BUT ALL of these women are missing something ciritcal that I have - a family with a devoted husband and children. so... are these the women I want as my idols in life? no.... I can respect them for the work they do. but to put them on a pedestal above me is to believe that I am lower than any of them. we are equals. although I am not on TV or in books (yet), I have had a different life I have chosen. That also does not make me better. just different. in social life - What about your neighbor with the perfect family? You have no idea what they struggle with. To hold that other mom up on a pedestal is to say that she is better than you. She isn't. I admire a certain blogger/friend of mine that has this amazing ability to create beautiful art, crafts, and delicious dinners. She has a great talent at home decor, she always dresses amazing and her make-up is always perfect. She and I are different. while she spends time on those things, I spend time on other areas of life. I am not better than her or she better than me. To believe she is better than me is to believe that my talents are less important. live up to the talents God gave you, never to feel like they are less than anyone else. Hold your head up and look at everyone in the eye as an equal. recognize that everyone is capable of mistakes, sorrows, and struggles no matter the outward appearance. Go ahead and respect others for what they have accomplished, learn from them, but never ever ever think they are better than you, perfect or flawless. recognize all mankind has imperfections. for some reason all my celebrity "idols" can't keep a family relationship or marriage together. The playing field is level. God created us all as his children. I have the same ability to return to his arms as you or anyone else. It is an amazing thing. and for some reason, I have to constantly remind myself of this. Your feelings of self worth directly affect your ability to accomplish your goals in life. and your feelings of self worth are directly affected by whether or not you compare your talents and abilities to everyone else around you. You are just as capable as the next person. even if you haven't accomplished what you hope to just yet, You are CAPABLE AND WORTHY OF IT! Just my soapbox for the day. thanks for letting me get my thoughts out of my head.

So, why purple?

First of all - it wasn't the PLAN. I went to my friend Brandi's house to get my hair cut by our friend Alisha. I was planning on some streaks of color to a BLONDE head. But Brandi says "Alisha has always wanted to do someone's hair purple. I told her to ask you." "ehhh,,, sure why not...?" So, Alisha squealed in delight clapped her hands in joy, and not much later I had purple and pink hair. I didn't do it for the shock value, but that has been fun I have to admit. I went to church the next day and tried really hard to pretend I didn't notice the looks of alarm, amusements, and yes... jealousy. Brandi was hilarious - she gave me the full report of all the people in church and their reactions to my hair when I walked in. To be honest, I was too busy trying to settle my kids in and getting reverent to notice. The fun part was the comments of people coming up to me or trying to avoid me :) "oooohh, I JUST LOVE your hair. It is SOOO pretty" Guess who that was from? I heard it from Teenagers a lot and a few little nursery age girls that could talk and loved Pink and Purple. but I also heard it from a grown woman - and a grandma! I adore that woman, but not sure if she wants the world to know she loves purple hair. :) she can comment later and tell the world if she chooses. I also got a couple of looks of disdain and "it looks like you went to a Halloween party too early." :) that was fine by me. totally OK with it in fact. OK.... so why purple? why am I OK with it? aren't I being a poor example to my children that can't go to school with wild hair colors? aren't I being a bad example to teenage girls that are told they are not allowed to dye their hair? I have given all this a lot of thought. First of all - I am 38 and live in my own house and own my own business and am an adult. when I lived with my mom - it was her house her rules. when I worked in a Bank - It was conservative look all the time. Next - It's not a tattoo. Hair grows out and can be changed all the time. If I don't like it, I can grab a box of hair day or wait a few months and change it again. AND - This is one way I choose to let loose. Let's be honest here, I am a little rebellious at heart. I am also a Mormon. I believe in the Book of Mormon and a modern day prophet and all that jazz. I choose to follow the guidelines set out to us from our prophets. I don't drink, do drugs,smoke. I don't even drink Coffee or Tea. I go to Church on Sunday every week even when the Lake sounds like more fun. I stayed away from tattoos and extra piercings to keep my body unspotted from permanent alterations. I try to dress modestly when I am not Working out at a fitness class or at the Lake. I live the life of a good conservative Mormon Mom. BUT - Inside... I am a little punk. I am outrageous. One of my clients was shocked to find out I was a church going, temple attending Mormon. Her words "when I met you, I knew you were a person I could party with. You would be a person I could be myself around and not worry about judgment. I was surprised that you go to church. I don't go because I don't like the way people judge me or look at me funny." I laughed and said "you don't think people at church judge me do you? I go every week, not because I am there for them. I believe what I believe and I go because I believe it is right. You should see the looks I get every time I do something drastic to my hair. talk about funny looks. But I am there for me, my growth, not them." :) For all those teenagers that have said to me " I wish my mom would let me dye my hair purple or blue or pink, or black... - first YOU LIVE IN THEIR HOUSE - IT IS THEIR RULES! I never dyed my hair til I had moved out and was 21. soooo.... listen to your parents. My own daughter isn't allowed to dye her hair crazy colors either. why? because I am just a little hypocritical, she's 9 and she goes to a school where it against the rules. so there! however she might be getting a natural looking hair color for her birthday. Next week I might have black hair. that's whats so awesome about hair - it's fun and it's easy to change according to my mood.